Do you grow out of things

or just get bored of them? Right after the miscarriage i wanted nothing more than to go out dance and pretend i was fine. I was happy to drink and dance the night away, happy to pretend i was like everyone else.

Now i think i'm growing out of it. Or perhaps i'm just moving on, because suddenly the idea of going out really doesn't appeal to me. I want to stay home with Matt and Lucy and watch TV. I want to be in my home, i want to clean my house, read a book, paint, play with playdoh, i want to in a word normal. I want my life to go back to the way it used to be. Back when i could be happy for someone who's pregnant, even excited. Now i smile at them, and blink back the tears. I just want my life to be normal again.

That word - NORMAL, why do i feel like my life will never be that way again.

Its not the best photo,

but these days when Lucy so much as suspects we're going to take a photo of her she heads for the hills. I'm sure she thinks we all have nothing better to do than try and get that ever elusive "great" photo. Right now I'm just grateful to have someone to take photos of.

I'm slowly recovering. I can talk about it, talking helps me. I can handle being around my pregnant friend at work. Yet i struggle to be around other pregnant people. My close friend Bec, we were 10 weeks apart and so excited to be pregnant together. It's harder to handle than i expected. I keep measuring her pregnancy on where i should have been. That's hard.

It's Vanessa's baby shower today. I've elected not to attend. I know she will understand why, and I'll get her a present and visit her in the hospital after she has the baby, but right now, I'm now willing to fall apart in front of a room full of people i work with .That's not something i need.

Or am ready to accept.

sometimes

i think I'm OK.

It hasn't been long but every now and then i have a moment and i think "I'm OK".

Then something happens and i realise I'm not OK. Someone says something and i realise, I'm far from OK.

A girl i know just had her baby. I took that well. I said i was happy for her because i am. I said I'd pray for her because i will, he is 6 weeks early and in special care. But that was OK, she's been pregnant for a long time, i can handle that.

Another girl i know just had her ultrasound. Twins. That i didn't handle. I went into my lounge room. TWINS! All i could think while I lay there crying was I can't even have one.. why does she get two? Rationally speaking i know its irrelevant, I know that I'm happy for her, and I know that there are heightened risks with multiple pregnancies. I also know, rationally that I'm not angry or upset with her but with myself. With my body letting me down, again and again and again.

Rationale goes out the window when your grieving. I can't be rational, all i can be is passionate, hurt and upset.

Sometimes i think I'm OK. Other times i wonder if I'll ever be OK again. I wonder why this one seems SO much harder than the last ones. I guess because this one was planned. We tried to get pregnant, we thought about it, we talked about it and we made a decision to have a baby.

Sometimes, i just want to give it all up.

Somehow its happened

My little girl is growing up. We bought her a big bed last week. I figured a bit of retail therapy couldn't hurt me, so off we went to the bed shop. We were met at the door by a very nice man who proceeded to try and sell us everything under the sun.

And we bought - well just about everything under the sun. We walked in with the intention of getting a white girly bed frame, and a mattress.

WE LEFT with a white girly bed frame, a mattress, a queen size bed for us and a brand new mattress. A rail guard for Lucy's bed, sheets, blankets, doonahs and pillow cases.

We spent lots. Somehow retail therapy only works WHILE your acually spending, but it helped for the hour it took for us to spend everything in our bank account.

This is what we ended up with - Lucy's room only, its far to messy in ours to take photos!

Just checking out the new bed with the magna doodle - her favourite toy on this particular day

Only one fall out of the bed so far! And she sleeps so well in it so we're on a winner!

the hardest words to hear.

Things happen for a reason. God how i hate that saying. However true it is it doesn't stop you wondering WHY. It doesn't stop the pain and it sure as hell doesn't make it feel better.

We lost our baby. 10 weeks in and feeling oh so confident. I even had morning sickness this time. The exhaustion, the morning sickness and those chronic headaches. I thought for SURE this time it would all be ok. This time i could relax and let my body do what my heart longed for. I even started telling people, being excited about it and letting them be excited too.

"Things happen for a reason" thankyou Mr doctor man but how the hell would you know? Is this YOUR FOURTH miscarriage is it?

"Maybe there was something wrong with the baby" So what? Does that make my child, my miracle any less important? And less precious? I wanted this baby so much, sick or healthy, this baby was still MY baby. MY CHILD. How dare you or anyone else tell me that its for the best. This cannot be for the best. It can be only what it is. Heartache.

I look in baby shops knowing i can't walk in and buy the little jumpsuits. I have no right to enter that hallowed ground. I'm not pregnant. I dont have a baby on the way. I have been left out again of the world wide "expecting" group. The group that looks a tiny singlets and booties and rubs their tummies knowingly. The group that can talk about which pram they want to buy. The group that gets to go to ultrasounds confidently KNOWING there will be a heartbeat.

This once i was confident. Yet again my heart breaks for the baby that will never grow up. All the missed opportunities and potential that my babies had. All the love i have for them that they will never experience.

and I dont know if my heart can stand the pain.

Slack Slack Slack

I think i should join bloggers anonymous. The place where you stand up and hang your head in shame to admit that "i'm a bad blogger". I have always been this way. Which is crazy because i love to write. But i just never finish anything. Ever. I must have about 20 journals, all of which i enthusiastically start to record my life in for around... oh the first 5 pages before i lose interest. Then i look at it with a guilty expression pretending that it might fill in its self. Then i go shopping, find another beautfiful journal that gets me feeling creative for another week. Tops. Repeat and rinse and you end up like me, 20 virtually empty journals and lots of wasted money.

You would think that it would be easier writing online. Its quick, has this nifty thing called spell check, and i like so many others these days type far faster than i can write. But no, this sad empty blog is proof that not unlike my hand written empty journals - I AM A BAD BLOGGER.

So to appease my conscience i'm ading some photos of my darling daughter.

Lucy - 16 months with her "hippo". Or as she says "hibbobo" We love hibbobo. And if ANYTHING should ever happen to hibbobo i think my life could end.

Its a dodgy camera phone photo (they always are i never remember to charge the batteries) but its sweet because it pretty much is THE only photo of the three of us. Special moment while we were on holidays a few weeks back

Hanging out with Mummy while daddy insists on a photo before a wedding. Lucy looked as cute as pie.

And a photo with daddy after Mummy INSISTED he wasn't getting away with taking one of her that easily!!

I got tagged

Apparently its all about 6 quirks... so here are mine,

1. I absolutely have to count to 3 before i can step onto any moving platform, escalators/lifts ets. Its ridiculous but i consider it my special OCD tendency.

2. I dont like the Simpsons. But i LOVE family guy. Apparently this is a quirk!

3. I dont like the colour green. In anything, green cordial, pepermint, green vegetables, green tea, if its green i wont like it and thats pretty much a guarantee.

4. I love to read. I'll go back to a sign to read it, and i love nothing more than curling up with a hot drink and good book - (not been done since the arrival of Lucy!), but i also love going out dancing with good friends (who doesn't!)

5. Im afraid of the dark. Yes thats right, it terrifies me. Always has!

6. I love useless facts. The more useless the more i'll like it!

And thats my quirks. What are yours?