Irrational perhaps

but I still want to slap him and tell him to wake up to himself.

I got so lucky with Matt. He's such a wonderful man, he's supportive, he helps out and he's a fantastic father.

Other men - not so good.

GROW UP.

massive waves of guilt

because, lets face it, I've been completely and utterly self absorbed the past few weeks.

One of my closest friends packed up her kids and left her partner. I had no idea. Why? Because I've been totally focused on my life and my family and my issues and its been all me, me, me.

I'm a shitty friend. The shittiest type of all at the moment.

I can't excuse my behaviour, or my total ignorance. I mean really, she packs up her two kids, four months before their wedding, and moved out. I didn't even know they were having problems. I was walking around totally clueless. And damn, don't i feel like the worst, most guilty friend ever. And before anyone tries to tell me maybe i wouldn't have known - If i had BEEN there like i should have, i totally would have known. Because she's one of my best friends. And she tells me that stuff.

I've managed to alienate some of the people who have supported me most in the past four weeks, completely without even realising I've been doing it. And nobody would say anything either, because they are all too sweet, amazing and lovely. And I'm the crummy friend who's just riding along on it.

Another friend said that her life feels trivial compared to mine. NO! I don't want my friends thinking their issues, their worries and problems are less important because of my behaviours and attitude. I used to be the friend people rang in the middle of the night to cry to, to ask for help. I used to be the friend that would drive to the moon and back in the middle of the night, just to hug someone when they needed it. And my friends used to be able to count on me for that. Nowadays, they don't even feel like they can tell me if something in their world has gone to shit, because I'm too busy moaning about myself.

I'm SO DAMN GUILTY!

Birthdays

take on a new meaning once you have kids. It's always nice to get presents, and have people make a fuss over you. And if your family is anything like mine, it's an excuse to actually see some of the family members who you don't see much of throughout the year. I come very much from a "birthday's, Christmas's and funeral's" type family. I'm very close to my parents, and my brother and sister but other than that - nada.

Next week its my birthday. It seems a little surreal this year, with Bean fighting to keep going every day, for me to be thinking about my birthday. Because really, this year, it's just not that important.

Lucy is old enough now to LOVE birthdays. More so if they are hers, but she loves anyone's birthday. Particularly if there is a party involved. She can't stop talking about my birthday. Or when Baby Beans birthday will be (we don't know), and about her Grandma Kings birthday which is few days after mine.

The absolute best thing about birthday's when your a parent is when its your childs birthday. Lucy's last two birthdays have been so much fun. It means everything to a parent to watch their child grow and achieve a milestone of a birthday. Counting down the years, watching them grow, its a really special thing.

Which brings me to Maddie.

November 11 2009 was Maddie Spohrs 2nd Birthday. Tragically for her family and friends, she celebrated this birthday up in Heaven, with Jesus and the angels after suddenly and unexpectedly passing away earlier this year.

Any anniversary after you lose a child is impossible. It hurts SO much that time has passed by while your grieving. It sucks that while your world is falling to pieces, that life does go on.

But I know, Maddies parents celebrated her birthday with all her favourite things. The colour Purple, Cream Puffs, flowers and songs. Its just so sad that she wasn't here to join in the fun. How hard it must be to pass the years with anniversaries, and birthdays, with only the memories to guide you through.

Pray for this family, they need it so much right now.

The most hillarious sentence i heard all day

was "do you consider yourself to be at high risk of suffering with PPD?" (Post Partum Depression).

Holy crap lady are you kidding me?! Let us run through the facts shall we?

- I'm sure after Lucy was born, i suffered with depression, undiagnosed for about three - four months.

- I've lost four babies previously which makes me a little, shall we say, highly strung about being pregnant

- Thus far, with this pregnancy, I've had 15 scans. Most people have two, three tops. We still have them at least once a week.

- I'm considered incredibly high risk - hence the repetitive scans

- My unborn child is SICK and I can't do anything but pray and hope he or she is strong enough to pull through.

- We have been told, absolute best scenario, we get to 36 - 38 weeks gestation and then its off for a C-section.

- Worst case - steroid shots and bean might make his or her arrival around 34 weeks, maybe earlier which means NICU time.

- We have no idea what is wrong. The doctors have stoped writing a "diagnosis" on the forms. They don't know what to put. We're pretty sure its not something THAT serious, but we can't know for sure, and so they leave the "diagnosis" field blank. Its not reassuring.

- We have a daughter who is constantly asking about baby bean, wanting to talk to and kiss my belly. I worry every night that i might have to tell her, her much wanted baby has died. I want to protect my child. But If something goes wrong, I have to tell her. Its my responsibility.

- I'm not a candidate for shared care, every appointment i have, every check up, I have to see a high risk obstetrician. Which means more hospital visits.

Really? We don't have a whole lot of positive going on! Would I consider myself a high risk for PPD? Honey, If I come to this time next year with my nerves and sanity in tact, and two happy, healthy children at home, then I'll consider it one MAJOR achievement!

By the time I'd rattled off my list to her, her survey about "are you scared of your partner", "Do you have good family support at home", and "Will your partner help you with this baby", was looking pretty useless. I asked her nicely just to write "SCREWED UP" across my file. She did not laugh. She did however ask me to fill in the survey anyway - in the privacy of the toilet of course because we don't want Matt to know that I'm answering supposedly "anonymous" (with my name and ID # at the top) questions about his ability to be a decent human being. Heh.

And so, that was my booking in appointment to a hospital that I've at last count had 13, Medicare funded Ultrasounds in, in the past 17 weeks. (The other two were privately done). Next week? We go back and do it all again, because since I'm "high risk", the obstetrician has to book me in.

I can hardly wait.

Fluid decreasing

blood flow back up too too high. *sigh*. I'm already over this roller coaster and you know, its only been almost three weeks since we got on it!

The one good thing is that Bean is 3 weeks bigger and stronger than he was when we first noticed the problem. Which means 3 weeks closer to viability, a short long, slow 8 weeks away.

If we can just get to that point, we can start to breathe a little easier. Because right now if things go haywire, the doctors will sit on their hands and watch our baby die, all while telling us about how "termination should have been an option for us". Sometimes they are so incredibly insensitive.

BUT positive thoughts, really, with the fluid going down, Bean is no worse than he/she has been so far. Just back in the not quite normal range.

And the other positive thing is that they have said we can wait till Monday to come back for another scan. 6 Days without a trip to the hospital!

More time for Lucy, and more time for us, as a family. This week anyway!

How bleak

have things gotten around here lately!!

Wow, reading back over my last few entries, its all somber, and scary and dark, and while I'm not apologetic for that, it just seems, depressing.

I'm not depressed. Not now anyway. I think I was a bit at the beginning. It just hurt to think that the baby we tried 8 months to conceive, the baby that we managed to hold onto for 18 weeks, was then given a death sentence diagnosis, at what we thought was essentially going to be such a routine scan.

That Sucked.

We've got another scan this afternoon, and already the nerves are kicking in hard and fast. People keep telling me God doesn't give you more than you can handle but you know, that might be the case, but we'd like it easy anyway!

Challenges suck. I'm not a fan of being challenged like this. Its hard to keep your family together when you just want to fall apart.

I feel horribly guilty for what this is all doing to Lucy. She doesn't understand. We haven't told her anything is wrong with the baby, she knows there is a baby and she's so excited. But all the scans, the hospital check ups and meetings mean that she's left behind a lot of the time, because if i walk into an appointment and hear the worst, I don't want to have to hold it together for her sake. I want to be able to focus, and cry, and ask questions and make decisions. Not a place for a two year old to be. Which leaves her at home. With grandma. Or at childcare. Or with my sister. Or my dad. All her favourite people - right after mummy and daddy.

I know she misses us, I miss her too. But I don't know what we can do about it. At least now we're having scans twice a week, not every two days, which means one less appointment, and we're trying to spend weekends loving on her so so much. But at the same time. She's 2! She has tantrums. She wants what she can't have. She wants to say No. To assert her independence. And we want her to do what we ask her to do. We want her to tidy up after herself. To go and play outside instead of asking to watch TV all day. To go and amuse herself while we get dinner cooking.

Its all so freaking exhausting at the moment. There has to be a "middle ground". I just can't quite find it.

The news is getting better

but I'm still terrified!

First of all though, I'm very sorry to those waiting for this post, I've just been exhausted, and really, haven't had the time to get on here and add the most recent and required updated. Although, part of that might just be because I CANT. QUITE. BELIEVE. WHAT. I'M. ABOUT. TO. SAY!

Bean is getting better. Like I said, I can hardly believe it myself, but It's true! According to our most recent scan on Thursday afternoon, Bean's fluid is decreasing (just a tiny bit, but It's less which is awesome!), and the blood flow through the brain is back within normal limits! Also, there was no comment on any of the reports about the "bright" bowel, so we're happily believing that this is because its back to looking normal as well!

At this point, the only thing wrong with bean is that there is the most tiny, almost impossible to see hole in his/her heart, which the cardiologist has said he believes is already closing up, and will NOT cause Bean any problems whatsoever.

I'm booked in for a "medically required" as opposed to "elective" C-section to deliver Bean at 38 weeks gestation, which to me is terrifying! The cardiologist says that the heart is strong enough, and in pretty much perfect condition, so a natural birth would not be a problem, but we're all conservatively agreeing that because we wont know WHAT might be wrong with Bean, the best idea is to go for minimum stress, and to do the C-section anyway. This means, hopefully, Bean will be making an appearance at around the 5th of March next year, leaving me with only 18 weeks of pregnancy left. If it goes anywhere as quickly as the first 20, we'll be meeting Bean in no time at all.

It's incredible to me that Bean is getting better. Just two and half weeks ago, our doctor told us to prepare ourselves for the worst, and to start considering a termination because it was looking likely that our baby would die, probably before 24 weeks gestation. That same day, he pushed us, (HARD) to get the amniocentesis done, to find out what we were dealing with and also took bloods to determine if the cause was a viral thing.

When the results came back as being not viral, I felt sick. I had so much riding on that Parvo-virus test result, wishing and praying it could be positive because we'd been led to think that was the only chance our baby had at survival.

I guess we sort of forgot about God, and the amazing things he can do. Why have a baby with a virus, which still needs invasive treatment, when you can just have a perfect, healed baby instead!

Our next scan is on Tuesday afternoon, and while I'm actually sort of looking forward to it, I'm scared as well! I guess, I just can't believe that after the grim-ness, and the dark-ness and the fear, that our baby, might actually be ok.