If the past wasn't the way it was

how different would I be in the present, and the future?

Some things that happen, change your life, forever. At the end of the line, you have to decide, if your going to let it change your life, for the better, or for the worse.

I've never felt guilty. I've never felt, deep down, that my miscarriages are my fault. I don't feel responsible. I don't feel like I could have stoped them, or that if I had just done something, anything, differently, that my babies would still be here with me.

If i hadn't lost those three much wanted, tiny babies, then I never would have fallen pregnant with Lucy. I wouldn't have her in my life. That's unimaginable. The thought of losing Lucy now, hurts more than the pain of those three babies that went to heaven combined.

We lost another baby last year. We wanted that baby so much. We decided we were ready, to risk it again, to try and have a baby. And we know all the statistics. We knew that if you can get your pregnancy to 9 weeks, and see a heartbeat, there is only a 5% chance that you will go on to lose the baby. After three other miscarriages, and then Lucy we thought our luck had changed. We took a chance, gambled and lost. Again.

If that baby hadn't gone to heaven, I wouldn't be pregnant with Bean now. And despite all the health problems our precious baby has, the fight he or she is waging every second to stay alive inside me, I wouldn't dream of not having this baby. Sick or not, it's my child.

I have no doubt that my past has changed who I am today. I'm more compassionate. I care more. I listen better. I physically ache when i hear something about a family losing a child. I can't watch the news and hear about a baby being hurt, and child being abused, without breaking into tears. I'm more sensitised to anything and everything involving children, and their parents.

Sometimes it really sucks to be the "go to" person when something goes tragically wrong with a pregnancy, birth or in a child. Somehow, word seems to have gotten around that I've been - to some point, "there".

"There" is nowhere i ever expected to be. When I was still in high school, I could never have imagined, that in 7 years, I'd be back supporting someone FROM school, as they laid their beautiful, sleeping angel baby to rest.

Being the "go to" is hard sometimes. I like to talk about what I've been through, and I like that, despite the heartache, my story and pain can help someone else. I'm happy to help people, and I know, without my past, I'd be essentially useless.

I know more. I care more. I help more. And as much as I'd like to say, that i wish those miscarriages had never happened. I know It's a lie. All that pain, has made me who I am today. It's made me the mother I am. The wife I am and the friend I am.

I can say though, I wish becoming who I am today, hadn't been so painful, and hard.

Two Funerals

for babies, in one year. Its just not right.

The memorial service for Imogen will be held on Monday. Matt and I will attend to lend whatever support we can manage, hopefully, to show this shattered family that they can get through this pain together.

And if our journey ends like theirs has, suddenly, ubruptly and so sadly, I"m sure they will stand by us, like we will by them.

But still, Its just not fair.

I'm so angry

I could scream - but typical me, I just burst into tears instead. I'm so effective.

Matt applied for 6 weeks leave for after Bean is born. He applied for the leave well over two months ago, due to start Mid March 2010, before we knew Bean was sick.

His applied for leave compromised of 3 weeks annual leave, 2 weeks unpaid paternity leave, and 1 weeks unpaid leave. His boss just came back to him and told him that taking 6 weeks off is too hard on the company, and he can take 3 weeks paid leave, and then work from home for the other three weeks. Usually, an acceptable solution.

Except our baby is SICK. As in, our baby might DIE before birth, and WILL be born at this stage 10 weeks early. Guaranteed Neonatal intensive care time. Absolutely guaranteed. So working from home is not an option. A. We wont BE home. B. You can't use mobile phones and laptops in the NICU C. What happened to his contractually obligated two weeks unpaid paternity leave?!

I'm so angry. I literally just told him to hang up the phone and go tell his boss he gets his leave, or he resigns. There is no promises here! Our baby might not make it home, we're praying So hard, that that's not the case, but realistically - it could happen. Our baby might not survive this fight. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let some smug asshole decide how much time Matt spends with him or her.

Too Tiny, Too Soon

Imogen Clare. Rest in Peace princess, you held on for as long as you could, and your Mummy and Daddy just don't know what to do without you.

Pray for the Tobbler family, today they had to plan their daughters funeral.

Heartbreak

First I want to say that the downside of having a "public" blog, is that anyone can read it. Sounds kind of obvious doesn't it, but the point is, that whoever reads it, might also find themselves mentioned in it. I do my best to keep friends and families private lives private, and I try not to write anything that might offend or hurt. But even if I don't use people's REAL names, if your reading a story you recognise as your life, and It's in my blog, a fake name won't stop you knowing its all about you. I have to tread carefully, especially today, because what I'm about to write, is hard. It's painful, It's heartbreaking and It's not my story. But this is my blog, and despite it not being MY STORY, its affecting me right now. And that's why I write. To get things clear in my head.

I went to high school with a pretty ordinary bunch of people. Most of us got along, and life was fraught with the dramas of being a hormonal teenager in a regimented, strict, unbending school atmosphere. It was just school. It was normal. A week after I graduated high school, I was asked to interview for a role in a childcare centre as a trainee assistant. I was interviewed, immediately short listed and got a call three days later saying I'd gotten the job, to start on Monday.

I walked into my new job on the Monday, and walked smack bang into two girls I already knew - from School, we were all working together. It was nice to see a friendly face! For a year and a half, the three of us (and a bunch of other new staff) worked closely together at the centre, before one girl decided to move onto a different child care centre.

After that move, we sort of lost touch. We didn't really "hang out" together at school, and once she'd moved on, career wise, there seemed to be nothing left to talk about, so contact stoped.

Then came facebook. She added me, and I caught up on her life. Now married, with a beautiful daughter just two weeks older than Lucy and expecting her second child, due the day after my due date with Bean.

We laughed that our pregnancies were so similar. Same hospital, same sonographers, same doctors, same dates. We said we'd share a room, joked that it would be great to take a "real" shower after the birth of our babies, because we both know each other is great with kids, and could watch both babies at once. It was fun. It was nice to have someone else to be excited with.

The day we found out Bean was sick, was the most stunning day of my life. I literally went into shock. Shaking and crying and hyperventilating, I was horrified. Two days later we had our second, high risk obstetric appointment. Sitting in that waiting room, knowing that possibly today was the day they would tell us our baby was gone, was revolting. It really was. And then through the door, walked this girl and her husband. Her! The girl I went to school with. The girl I worked with for close to two years, The girl i was sharing my pregnancy joys and woes with, The girl who's baby was due just a day after mine, WALKED INTO THE CLINIC, sat down and said - "what are you doing here!!".

I was SO happy to see a friendly face, but SO worried about their baby. Surely we couldn't both be about to lose our precious children! We exchanged phone numbers, promising to keep each other in the loop, and went in for our separate appointments.

At the end of our scan, our Bean was stable. At the end of her scan, her baby's spine looked fine, but was measuring a little small, and she was referred for another scan in two weeks time to check out the baby's heart with a cardiologist - they suspected there was a hole.

Two weeks later, Our Bean was still stable, and their Baby had NO sign of a hole in her heart, and they were referred for another scan two weeks after to check the growth.

Again - Bean was relatively stable, although the blood flow had peaked at scary heights.

Their baby girl. Well I don't know. But I know its not good. I know this because when I messaged her last night, to ask how her most recent scan went - She said she wouldn't say. But she said she wishes us luck, and hopes it works out better for us than it did for them.

It may have happened last week, It may be happening today - but I can say, I'm certain, that this couple have lost their very much wanted baby girl.

I don't know why. I don't know what happened, and I'm not going to chase them down and ask all the questions that are going over and over in my head. I sent a text message back saying I was so sorry things hadn't gone better for them, and if they need anything, to call. But really, I don't expect to ever hear from her again. Not in the near future.

When you lose a baby, It's so HARD to see other happily, blissfully pregnant women. The thing that tied us together, after all these years of knowing each other was our babies. Our pregnancies. Once one of those babies has gone, a pregnancy has ended, the bond isn't there anymore. It just HURTS too much.

She was a part of my life, on and off, for 12 years. That's a long time to know someone, even as a casual friend. I hate that this has happened to them, to their baby. I hate that they are hurting so much. And I hate that, as good as my intentions might be, seeing me, won't help them. It's not fair on them.

Most of all, I just hate that again, someone has to lose a baby. To be a part of the statistic. I hope she knows how much she helped me, just by being in the waiting room that day to keep me sane. Sadly, I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to tell her how much.

Up and Dow

it never ends.

Good news is, Bean is better than last week, in a manner of speaking. This week he's measuring 2 weeks small again, but that's OK, he still put on weight, just not quite enough. He should have put on about 60 grams, he's only put on 30.

The fluid is completely gone. The tech thought she saw fluid around the heart, but on further checking decided it was probably just the angle, and said even if it IS fluid, its the most tiniest amounts, its not even worth noticing.

The blood flow. The bane of my existence at the moment is the damn blood flow! It goes up and down and its all over the shop and its FRUSTRATING!! After last weeks scan when the blood flow was measuring at 57 (I think its meant to be about 35!), i nearly had a heart attack! Its never gone up over 46 previous to this, so 57 was a very scary jump, the scariest thing was there were small periods when the flow was so fast it appeared to almost be skipping - NOT GOOD.

We got told AGAIN last week that we should be aware that the baby might not make it.. yadda yadda blah blah, the same story. It was just shocking, because after the first two weeks in this game, everyone started acting positive, and stoped talking about "might die", and instead was talking about "get to 32 weeks, baby has excellent chance, take him out early and start treatment, Might possibly be fine". To suddenly step back to hearing "might Die" again, was a blow.

It was decided after that scan that I would go back on the baby aspirin. I was taken off it earlier on because of the risk of doing invasive treatments with blood thinners in my system - namely the Amnio and a blood transfusion. Since i stoped the aspirin, the blood flow count has risen. Last week it was at a scary high. So now I'm back on aspirin for the duration, to see if that maybe just helps lower the counts enough to give bean a better chance.

The other decision. No more caffeine. AT ALL. Bean is still measuring small and caffeine can stunt a babies growth. While I haven't been having a lot, its something I can do, to feel like I'm proactively helping bean. And if something goes wrong, and I didn't take this step, I'd never forgive myself.

We still don't' have a diagnosis on whats going on with Bean. And Frankly, the doctors have stoped looking for one. Who can blame them? I'm OK with not knowing. As long as Bean keeps kicking and jumping and showing OK on scans, and hopefully growing, I'm happy.

5 Weeks Beanie-Baby. Just hold stable for 5 more weeks,and then maybe we can fix you up.

Its that day again

SCAN DAY.

Please God, let the blood flow be back in a more reasonable range. The longer this goes on, the more i feel my baby kicking and jumping, the more in love I fall.

If this is going to end badly, if my baby won't make it, I just want it over now.

5 more weeks until viability. Just 5 more weeks. Hang in there Bean, I'm doing everything I can for you, but at some point, Its just you and God.