Used and tossed away

well the title pretty much sums it up. To say that I'm not completley crushed is a lie. I am crushed.

How is it that I'm not invited? How is it, that after knowing you seperately, for over ten years, and as a couple since you met each other, That I didn't warrant an invitation. That I knew nothing, until i logged onto facebook and actively SEARCHED to find out.

How can you have wanted me at her birth. But not her dedication.

We counted you among our closest friends. You called me, in the middle of the night, for weeks, for help. I listened to every.single.complaint you have had about your life, your family, your work. Everything you've ever said. I spend days at your husbands bedside when he was in hospital. Depite the things we've had to deal with, I thought you were better. Stronger. Smarter. And kinder.

I know where I stand now. I guess I should have seen it coming.

You know who you are. You probably don't give a shit. I see that now. I just wish I had seen it earlier. I wish I had not invested so much time, so much love, and so much effort. I wish I didn't have to explain it to Lucy. She's had enough this year, don't you think. Despite every attempt I have made to not judge you, to let you be you, to deal with OUR losing a child in the way you needed to, You haven't been there. Not in the way we needed you to be. And that was ok. Because everyone deals with things differently. We didn't hold you in judgement for that. We let you be distant, because we didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

But this. This is a slap in the face. And frankly, I'm too exhausted, to broken, and to hurt to fight for it.

I'm done.

Charity Rose

So, today, Charity Rose went to hospital. She's 9 months old. She was in a walker, scooting around the kitchen while her parents watched on. What they didn't realise, was that she could reach the benchtop from her new position. She grabed a knife.

Good parents. Supervising their child. And still, It happened.

Charity has to have surgery. They aren't sure of how she will recover. They aren't even sure if she will live through the surgery. Somehow, she managed to stab herself between two ribs, and into a lung and who knows what else.

Right now, she is very very unwell. She is critically ill. The police may press charges of negligence.

Although it's not the same thing this is why I hate baby walkers.

They are so damn dangerous! So dangerous in fact, that Canda has made them Illegal. Anyone found in posession of a baby walker is fined up to $100,000.

Charity might not live. We are praying that she does. But there is a very good chance, that tonight, her parents will lose their only daughter. The daughter they struggled to concieve for four years. The daughter who they have loved, and cherished every single day. Their daughter.

They will never forgive themselves. Even if the police don't press charges. They will never.forgive.themselves.

Please. Don't use walkers. Your child's life is far too valuable.

Sometimes I read something,

that gives me goosebumps. Today, my goosebump moment was this.

That is one very special little boy. He lost his little sister Ava, to a tragic accident. Clearly, he has a quiet knowledge of things that most young children would not.

You can read about Ava, and her story here. Be prepared with the tissues. It's a heartbreaker.

How can it be.

Two months today sweetheart.

How have we survived, for two whole months without you.

For you my princess.

Love Mummy

Maybe i'm slow

at the steps of grieving, but the last 48 hours, I have just been so angry. I'm angry with everything. I'm not used to feeling out of control, to feeling like I have no self control.

I'm angry that I'm unemployed. I'm angry that I feel like I'm not contributing to the household in any way whatsoever. I'm angry that I feel pressured into going back to work, despite not feeling ready for it emotionally because of Centrelink. I'm angry that I'm home alone all day, everyday.

Im angry that we STILL don't have Ariana's autopsy results back. That they haven't contacted us for an appointment. I'm angry that I keep dreaming they forgot to do her autopsy, and now that she's been cremated it's too late, and we'll never know why. I'm angry that we still might never know why. I'm angry that everytime i get online, one person in particular asks, everytime, if we've heard anything. I'm angry that they don't understand how morbid it feels for me, to be asking all.the.time if we've got the results. The autopsy results on my dead baby. It hurts me to have to read that question, every.single.day.

I'm angry that when we eventually get the results, we will have to share them with family. I'm angry that not one single part of her life belonged to just us. For just us to remember. There were always others. We never had her to ourselves, for even one second. Not even in death. There was always someone else around.

Most of all, I'm angry that I feel like this. I'm angry with myself, for not coping better. For not knowing what to do about this anger. For not understanding how to redirect it, for not having something to distract me. I'm angry because I know that my anger, and hurt is affecting the people i love. I don't want to do that. I don't want to BE that person anymore! I'm sick of being angry, of being hurt, of being 'the mother who's baby didn't make it". I don't want to be that person anymore.

I want to be the mother of two beautiful, healthy daughters. I want to know why I'm not.

I just want to know why. And i just want to stop being so angry.

The entire weekend

was spent dodging torrential downpours.

Will it EVER stop raining over here?! Its been raining on and off sporadically for about a month now, and conisistently pouring for two days. Which is expected to continue for an entire.week.

Three days ago we had a Tsunami warning issued - complete with the very intelligent words from the BOM website - "do not go to the coast to watch the Tsunami". Thankyou so much, for assuming we're all morons! The Tsunami never eventuated, eventually they all just shook their heads, muttered about "safer than sorry" and very quietly cancelled the warning. Upgraded an hour later to "flooding and treacherous conditions expected". Because it wont stop bloody raining.

Somehow, Lucy managed to have the entire weekend without having a sleep. Which meant that by the time I came home from the hospital on Sunday night (more about that shortly), it was 9pm and she was zonked in the back seat of the car.

Matt woke her up for Kindy yesterday morning. It did not go well. She screamed blue murder, fell asleep on the toilet for a few seconds, then screamed more when she nearly fell in. (I admit I giggled.) She was just so tired she could barely stand up. I gave her the option of going to kindy, or going back to sleep in my bed. Twenty minutes later she was fast asleep next to me. We slept until just past 9.30 and then she was back napping in bed at 1.30. She fell asleep in the car when we ducked out to the shops last night and was back in bed by 6.30pm and slept the entire night. MUCH happier toddler this morning. She's gone off to kindy to play inside all day because it wont stop raining.

I am bitter about the rain. I'm royally sick of it. I'm quite litterally stuck at home in this weather - no car means public transport. FINE in FINE weather. This weather, well if you don't have webbed feet its not a good idea to venture out. Unless you want a cab. Which i do not.

I would like some sunshine. If someone could arrange that - it would be super.

The End, again.

Hydrops strikes again.

Fly high beautiful baby girl. Your Mummy and Daddy are lost without you.

Angel Baby Ayers - Gone to soon. x