Ariana got two new friends.
Layla Grace sadly lost her fight with Cancer in the early hours of this morning. This amazing, beautiful toddler has been fighting for months, and finally, and lovingly, Jesus took her home. A dear friend of mine said that she doesn't think it's bad news, just sad news. After thinking about that for a few minutes, I realised she's right. It is so sad, that this little girl has gone from our world. But it's not bad. Bad is the cancer that has been eating at her for months. Bad is the chemo, the painful treatments and the agony she has been living in for all this time.
Baby Jacob is another precious angel lost to hydrops. His family went for a routine ultrasound this morning and found he had passed away, earning his wings after fighting for life for many long, exhausting weeks.
I find myself in the uneviable position of knowing more families who have lost babies, than who have had sucessful, healthy pregnancies, and then gone on to have happy healthy children. I'm not sure how I came to be this person. I've been trying to figure out, when in my life, God decided, that I would be the person who knew the horror stories, who knew the tragedies, and who people would turn to.
When in my life, was it decided that this was my lot, to support people who have lost babies, to lose them myself and to support my family through it?
If this is what i'm meant to be doing, then God, can you please at least give me the strength to do it properly. Today I'm so drained, I just want to run and hide. Apparently, I'm supposed to do this, but It would be nice if I felt like I can.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sometimes I think,
I just can't get a break.
I'm back on antibiotics again. Despite healing incredibly well, and fast afer my c-section, it's become evident that somehow, an infection has managed to creep into my scar. It's not too painful, but the risk of additional trauma to my uterus is huge - so back to the drugs we go!
I can't believe that it's possible to get an infected scar nearly 9 weeks after the initial surgery!
Ohwell, if the drugs work, they might get rid of this persistant head cold i've been fighting off.
And next week - SWINE FLU INJECTIONS.
Woo Freaking Hoo.
I'm back on antibiotics again. Despite healing incredibly well, and fast afer my c-section, it's become evident that somehow, an infection has managed to creep into my scar. It's not too painful, but the risk of additional trauma to my uterus is huge - so back to the drugs we go!
I can't believe that it's possible to get an infected scar nearly 9 weeks after the initial surgery!
Ohwell, if the drugs work, they might get rid of this persistant head cold i've been fighting off.
And next week - SWINE FLU INJECTIONS.
Woo Freaking Hoo.
Monday, March 8, 2010
So, I may not have mentioned
that I got myself a job.
That's right people. My sad, sorry unemployed self just became OLD news. Well, in actual fact it became old news on Friday, but I was all caught up in Ariana for the weekend, and am only just getting to my announcement now.
It's casual work, which is great. It's close to home, which is so even better. And It's not what i want to be doing. But that's ok. It's enough.
Some very wise woman told me the other day that "I am more". She's right. I am. And this job. Is enough.
That's right people. My sad, sorry unemployed self just became OLD news. Well, in actual fact it became old news on Friday, but I was all caught up in Ariana for the weekend, and am only just getting to my announcement now.
It's casual work, which is great. It's close to home, which is so even better. And It's not what i want to be doing. But that's ok. It's enough.
Some very wise woman told me the other day that "I am more". She's right. I am. And this job. Is enough.
I'm angry again,
but not for what you might think.
A couple of years ago now, I told my best friend of quite some years to never speak to me again. The reason I did this was a betrayal so deep, so selfish, and so totally wrong.
I cut ALL contact. I was completley heartbroken. What she did, very nearly destroyed my marriage. My actions caused the inital marital problems we were having. But then what she did, months after it was resolved, nearly caused us to divorce. A mistake perhaps, but one, that to me, is completely unforgiveable.
I cut her off, and after grieving, and being sad for a few weeks, got over it, over her. I stopped thinking about her. She ceased to exist to me. People asked me on and off about it, about her. I always told them the same thing - "I don't think about her". It's true. The only time she even crosses my thoughts is when someone else says something about her.
Apaprently, she still reads my blog. This has pissed me off royally. I don't want her knowing a damn thing about me. About my family.
I want her to go away. Be happy, live her life. But stop reading about mine. You are not welcome. You are not missed.
Go live your own life, and quit reminiscing. Whatever your thinking about me, just quit it. I don't want your thoughts, or anything else to do with you. Ever.
A couple of years ago now, I told my best friend of quite some years to never speak to me again. The reason I did this was a betrayal so deep, so selfish, and so totally wrong.
I cut ALL contact. I was completley heartbroken. What she did, very nearly destroyed my marriage. My actions caused the inital marital problems we were having. But then what she did, months after it was resolved, nearly caused us to divorce. A mistake perhaps, but one, that to me, is completely unforgiveable.
I cut her off, and after grieving, and being sad for a few weeks, got over it, over her. I stopped thinking about her. She ceased to exist to me. People asked me on and off about it, about her. I always told them the same thing - "I don't think about her". It's true. The only time she even crosses my thoughts is when someone else says something about her.
Apaprently, she still reads my blog. This has pissed me off royally. I don't want her knowing a damn thing about me. About my family.
I want her to go away. Be happy, live her life. But stop reading about mine. You are not welcome. You are not missed.
Go live your own life, and quit reminiscing. Whatever your thinking about me, just quit it. I don't want your thoughts, or anything else to do with you. Ever.
After a few healthy doses of procrastination
I think we finally found a church we fit into. A very smooth fit actually.
There wasn't anything "wrong" per say, with the church we used to go to. I just didn't feel comfortable there anymore, something about it felt too organised, maybe too clinical. That might not be quite the right way to put it, but it's all i've got right now!
We went to this church last night, that was amazing. Lucy had a great time, dancing and singing. She thought it wonderful. Within five minutes of walking in the door we'd been introduced to people around us and then left to suss it out for ourselves. No pressure. No forced conversations.
I really enjoyed it. I was nice to feel a part of something. It was nice to be back in Church, i've wanted to go for a while now, but i wanted to find one where we fit. As a family.
Maybe thats whats different about the one we used to go to - we went there pre-Ariana. This new Church, is our way to step forward. With people who didn't know us then and now, and can make comparisons. They accept us as we are today. Because they don't know us any different.
It's a good thing.
There wasn't anything "wrong" per say, with the church we used to go to. I just didn't feel comfortable there anymore, something about it felt too organised, maybe too clinical. That might not be quite the right way to put it, but it's all i've got right now!
We went to this church last night, that was amazing. Lucy had a great time, dancing and singing. She thought it wonderful. Within five minutes of walking in the door we'd been introduced to people around us and then left to suss it out for ourselves. No pressure. No forced conversations.
I really enjoyed it. I was nice to feel a part of something. It was nice to be back in Church, i've wanted to go for a while now, but i wanted to find one where we fit. As a family.
Maybe thats whats different about the one we used to go to - we went there pre-Ariana. This new Church, is our way to step forward. With people who didn't know us then and now, and can make comparisons. They accept us as we are today. Because they don't know us any different.
It's a good thing.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Meet the amazing people in my world -
Some don't leave their names, Others i've never actually met (most in fact!), and there are people who i know and have spent time with, but who still care enough to let me know they are thinking of us. THIS is what support is all about.
How i Cherish them all. x
Amber - "I know I only know you on facebook, through Jon. But I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person. I have followed (stalked slightly) you on facebook and your blog and after everything your family and you have been through, your still such a kind, caring, strong, amazing, loving person. I know so many people that have had near perfect lives, and are so ungrateful. So thank you for sharing your story and a part of your life with us. You truely make me want to be a better person."
Catherine - " You are doing an awesome job with Lucy. You and Matt should be enormously proud of the way you have gotten her through it. Im sure its been really hard to do that when you are grieving so much yourselves. It has brought to light the great strength of character you both have. I have always believed that tragedy and crisis dont build Character, they simply reveal character. You are both made of very strong fabric."
Molly - "You are a good person, and a great Mom. Keep going, and we are here to hold you up when you need it".
Heidi - " ...handled yourself with amazing grace and consistently been there for others when you yourself are dealing with your grief. You amaze me with your thoughtfulness, your humor and how everyday you put one foot in front of the next."
Colleen - "You never need to appologise to us. We are here for you through thick and thin." "It took incredible strength for you to face that, and you have every right to vent and share this with us. That is why we are here. I wish we were closer to give you a huge hug. I know you could use that right now."
Hope - "I just read your blog. Some very very beautiful words, and some heartbreakers. Today is an angry day for me. I'm angry at the world."
Nikita - "your blog is well done Tam. I've just been reading it all."
Tiah - " I have spent the past hour reading your blogs about Ariana. They are so touching. You are a great writer".
Titanium - " You are more. You are a beautiful, inspired, thoughtful woman who loves with open heart, and arms, whose legacy is hope. Anger is the doorbell chime when Change knocks. Life, interrupted leaves necessary, righteous rage in it's wake. You are more. Exhale this, know that for every person that scrapes your last never raw, a hundred more wait in the wings, on a prayer - holding you in thought, in word and in hope. May peace find you Tam."
Sarah - "I just read through your posts and wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you and your family. A mother should never, ever have to bury her child. Ever. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby irl. You and your entire family will continually be in my prayers. I am awed by your strength. Hang in there, and keep breathing in and out."
Cath - "I have NEVER encountered anyone like you. I have never seen such strength of character. In your darkest hours, and good Lord they've surely been dark this year, you have Always been able to find the strength to help other people in their time of need. I am not a traditionally religious person, but I know that Angels walk amongst us, and I truly suspect that you are one. Actually, I don't just suspect it. I know it."
Mel - " You are an inspiration!...you have not, and will not let your past define you. You take each day as it comes, good or bad, and move on with it. That by its-self is inspirational"
Anonymous - "Want to say that i wish i had your courage.....have followed you for ages, you are an inspiration to me, even when I am falling apart."
Anonymous - " Your an amazing woman, and an amazing mother....Just remember your amazing, strong, and courageous."
Anonymous - "I am so sorry you have suffeerd so greatly. I just wanted to thank you. Reading your story reminds me to be thankful everyday for my children even when i don't normally feel that way. Thank you and I so hope your future is brightened with the love of a third child."
Anonymous - "You amaze me, and I think it's so brave you sharing your story. All the best."
Anonymous - "You guys are a great testimony to so many. Could never imagine how you feel but you guys really amaze me how strong you all are. Stay strong and Thankyou tam for sharing your journey. Most people wouldn't, which makes you extremely brave, and a very very strong woman. All the best to you and your family".
Jan n Martyn- "How brave you are to share all of this with so many who's faces and tears of sadness you may never see. We are the people who share your grief because we have known the loss of a child so special that the Lord just needed them back. In time your gift from him will be revealed. Your heart will one day find some peace, but never will Ariana be forgotten for you gave her the gift of dignity to live. To be part of your family. Lucy will always be her big sister, and you and Matt will make it. Find your strength in each other now. God Bless You All"
Chantel - "Yep - you are DEFINITELY allowed to have angry days/weeks/months! You are also allowed to have really good ones. Whatever the weather looks like on those days honey, we are here. There is nothing you can do or feel or think or say that we wouldn't support you through."
The Harts - "What a positive attitude Tam, I know you can do it girl! You're strong, and bean is such a Valiant baby. It will all be worth it."
How i Cherish them all. x
Amber - "I know I only know you on facebook, through Jon. But I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person. I have followed (stalked slightly) you on facebook and your blog and after everything your family and you have been through, your still such a kind, caring, strong, amazing, loving person. I know so many people that have had near perfect lives, and are so ungrateful. So thank you for sharing your story and a part of your life with us. You truely make me want to be a better person."
Catherine - " You are doing an awesome job with Lucy. You and Matt should be enormously proud of the way you have gotten her through it. Im sure its been really hard to do that when you are grieving so much yourselves. It has brought to light the great strength of character you both have. I have always believed that tragedy and crisis dont build Character, they simply reveal character. You are both made of very strong fabric."
Molly - "You are a good person, and a great Mom. Keep going, and we are here to hold you up when you need it".
Heidi - " ...handled yourself with amazing grace and consistently been there for others when you yourself are dealing with your grief. You amaze me with your thoughtfulness, your humor and how everyday you put one foot in front of the next."
Colleen - "You never need to appologise to us. We are here for you through thick and thin." "It took incredible strength for you to face that, and you have every right to vent and share this with us. That is why we are here. I wish we were closer to give you a huge hug. I know you could use that right now."
Hope - "I just read your blog. Some very very beautiful words, and some heartbreakers. Today is an angry day for me. I'm angry at the world."
Nikita - "your blog is well done Tam. I've just been reading it all."
Tiah - " I have spent the past hour reading your blogs about Ariana. They are so touching. You are a great writer".
Titanium - " You are more. You are a beautiful, inspired, thoughtful woman who loves with open heart, and arms, whose legacy is hope. Anger is the doorbell chime when Change knocks. Life, interrupted leaves necessary, righteous rage in it's wake. You are more. Exhale this, know that for every person that scrapes your last never raw, a hundred more wait in the wings, on a prayer - holding you in thought, in word and in hope. May peace find you Tam."
Sarah - "I just read through your posts and wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you and your family. A mother should never, ever have to bury her child. Ever. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby irl. You and your entire family will continually be in my prayers. I am awed by your strength. Hang in there, and keep breathing in and out."
Cath - "I have NEVER encountered anyone like you. I have never seen such strength of character. In your darkest hours, and good Lord they've surely been dark this year, you have Always been able to find the strength to help other people in their time of need. I am not a traditionally religious person, but I know that Angels walk amongst us, and I truly suspect that you are one. Actually, I don't just suspect it. I know it."
Mel - " You are an inspiration!...you have not, and will not let your past define you. You take each day as it comes, good or bad, and move on with it. That by its-self is inspirational"
Anonymous - "Want to say that i wish i had your courage.....have followed you for ages, you are an inspiration to me, even when I am falling apart."
Anonymous - " Your an amazing woman, and an amazing mother....Just remember your amazing, strong, and courageous."
Anonymous - "I am so sorry you have suffeerd so greatly. I just wanted to thank you. Reading your story reminds me to be thankful everyday for my children even when i don't normally feel that way. Thank you and I so hope your future is brightened with the love of a third child."
Anonymous - "You amaze me, and I think it's so brave you sharing your story. All the best."
Anonymous - "You guys are a great testimony to so many. Could never imagine how you feel but you guys really amaze me how strong you all are. Stay strong and Thankyou tam for sharing your journey. Most people wouldn't, which makes you extremely brave, and a very very strong woman. All the best to you and your family".
Jan n Martyn- "How brave you are to share all of this with so many who's faces and tears of sadness you may never see. We are the people who share your grief because we have known the loss of a child so special that the Lord just needed them back. In time your gift from him will be revealed. Your heart will one day find some peace, but never will Ariana be forgotten for you gave her the gift of dignity to live. To be part of your family. Lucy will always be her big sister, and you and Matt will make it. Find your strength in each other now. God Bless You All"
Chantel - "Yep - you are DEFINITELY allowed to have angry days/weeks/months! You are also allowed to have really good ones. Whatever the weather looks like on those days honey, we are here. There is nothing you can do or feel or think or say that we wouldn't support you through."
The Harts - "What a positive attitude Tam, I know you can do it girl! You're strong, and bean is such a Valiant baby. It will all be worth it."
Charity Rose
lost her fight for life this morning at 5.35am.
Police are at this point, finalising their investigations, but it seeming likely that they will not be pressing charges against her grieving, devestated parents.
Ariana has more playmates in heaven, than Lucy will probably ever have here on earth.
Pray for their family.
Police are at this point, finalising their investigations, but it seeming likely that they will not be pressing charges against her grieving, devestated parents.
Ariana has more playmates in heaven, than Lucy will probably ever have here on earth.
Pray for their family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)