Sometimes you just need it

and this was one of these sorts of days....
you can find these awesome shirts at http://www.fbcdesigns.com/.

Due to unforseen

economic downturn we will not be recognising your outstanding performance in the past year. We will however rate you at the same standard as the workmates in your team who have been underperforming for months. You are a valued member of staff, but while we take home our bonuses, you will recieve nothing in return for your efforts.

Dont take it personally.

... yeah right.....

I like being comfortable

and I'm excellent at sticking with the familiar. So when this potential job opportunity arrived looking rather inconspicuous in my email, I got excited for about 3 seconds, and then immediately jumped into the doubts. The what ifs, the who knows, the can I's..

In truth, as yet, I don't even know if i am qualified for the position. Its my dream position - the dream position that 2 years ago, I thought that my current job might be able to set me up for, and move me into. Except that our management structures changed - twice. And my stepping stones sank quite dramatically to the bottom of the career ladder.

I'm no further advanced than I was 2 long years ago. Except that now we live in a better home, in a better neighbourhood. We have a beautiful toddler, Matt has a job he enjoys. And financially, really, we're quite well off. So really, to say I, or we rather, haven't advanced, is a lie. Career wise, I'm stuck where I started. But Life wise, we've moved a long way forward.

So despite knowing that I like familiar, and that Change is and can be a great, empowering thing, I think I'll stick to what i know. After all, its just a job. My family, that is my life. And at the moment, we're doing just fine. And this guy - he doesn't know what hes talking about.

It feels a lot like rejection

even though its not even personal. And that's the thing that annoys me the most about it all. ITS NOT PERSONAL. But to me, it is.

I worked so hard last year. I really did. I made sure I was always on top of everything, had every thing covered, all the "what ifs" covered. I had documentation. I had my team leaders support after a very rocky transition. I had EVERYTHING COVERED.

And I still got a 3.

I rated myself at a 4.
My Team Leader - before even reading my part of the review - rated me at a 4
Some random stranger out there, who has never met me - decided that I was only worth a 3.

It hurts. It really really hurts. And I'm so angry about it. I worked so hard for that 4. The difference between those two numbers

a 3 - 4%. a 4 - 5.5%

I deserve that 5.5%. And I'm going to fight for it because I EARNED it.

I spent an entire week

flat on my back in agony. The day my back pain finally let up - I came down with Tonsillitis which I'm now fighting off.

Its been a super long week of boredom and pain for me. The good news is, I should be clear to go back to work on Monday. The bad news, I should be clear to go back to work on Monday KNOWING Bianca wont be there to make me smile, and to make things more bearable...

The company has undergone some massive changes over the past few months. Just another one to deal with now. I have stability in knowing my job wont be going anywhere, but seriously? Its stressful going to work each day not knowing whats going to happen, who is going to lose their jobs, or what changes are going to come into effect.

I like to know whats coming, and i HATE surprises.

I dont cope all that well

with pain. Of any type. So last night, when i had a shower and my previously bearable yet painful back pain kicked it up a notch and I couldn't breathe anymore, i might have panicked.

I have never felt pain like i did in my back last night. It was spasming across my back, cutting into my lungs so i couldn't breathe. The most terrifying thing is gasping for air and getting nowhere. By the time the ambulance arrived I swear to God i was already half unconscious from pain and lack of oxygen, and then they wanted me to get up, and WALK to the bed. Thank GOD for the little green tube. I did the dash with that thing i tell you. They refilled it half way to the hospital because it wasn't working anymore and i started screaming.

I have a week off work. And the most incredible pain in my back still. But the spasm has stopped. And i can breathe.

But I do like my super strong pain killers.

Bugs hate me

and they are universally conspiring against me. I have had 3 buggy related incidents in the past week (alright i admit, one was a gecko..), and i'm not handling it all that well thankyou very much..



I was minding my own business, cleaning the playroom when i notice an enormous grasshopper HANGING from the blind!! It was very still, and very dead looking. I summoned up the courage to go and remove it, very gently, (don't want to break off a leg or anything), and it suddenly came alive and landed on ME! Much screaming and jumping was done, and much hysterical laughing from Lucy. I was a shaky quivery mess for a good half hour and refused to step foot in that playroom again for the rest of the day. (I still don't know where it went).



Fast forward to the next evening, and again, I'm minding my own business, laying in my bed trying to get to sleep when i feel something move. On my arm. Which is in my bed. (do you sense I'm not OK with this!?) I grabbed my mobile to light up my arm and saw the most massive cricket that ever did ?walk? the planet, heading up my arm to my face. I flicked it across the room, and dumped some washing on top. Clean washing. Next morning, all memories of the nasty cricket gone from my head, i pick up a shirt and put it on. "wait, something doesn't feel right, its scratchy...what the hell is that...*lift up bottom of shirt* HOLY CRAP ARGHHHHHH!!!!. And more laughing from Lucy.......


By this point in time, I'm CONVINCED the buggy kingdom has my poster up in its villages saying "attack this person for crimes against bugs (I've been known to dislike them prior to my nightmare week..)

THEN THE GECKO ATTACKED ME. I swear to God, it lunged at me, off the kitchen bench and went right down the front of my shirt.. where it.. got its TAIL. STUCK. IN. MY. BRA. Picture it if you dare. Me dancing around the kitchen screaming, one very unhappy gecko writhing about in my cleavage trying to get its tail free, and Matt calling in a very bored voice from the lounge "what now?!" Eventually it freed its self, i danced around trying not to step on it, still flapping my shirt around somewhere in the vicinity of my eyeballs while the neighbours tried to decide if I was in fact insane.

I rest my case. Bugs hate me.