have a new meaning for me since we lost Ariana.
When Matt and I decided to remove her life support, we asked everyone to come to the hospital to hold her and say goodbye. I spoke with the midwives, and asked them to organise with the NICU to move her into a private room. We wanted the privacy, to be able to cry and laugh and say goodbye, without worrying about upsetting other families who were visiting their sick children.
I also asked the midwives to make sure that all the staff who would be dealing with my care knew what was about to happen, to make sure they knew Matt would be staying the night with me (against hospital policy but he stayed almost every night anyway!), and just to make sure they went gentle with us.
I didn't notice it at first. Everyone who came into the room after Ariana was gone, was very very quiet. I expected that. They all said how sorry they were, and made sure to spend as little amount of time as possible. The door that they kept leaving open, now stayed closed. The curtains stayed closed. If i used the buzzer someone was there, almost immediately.
I thought the midwives had been very thorough in telling people. They hadn't. They hadn't said anything. The butterfly told the story.
Apparently, after we all went down to the NICU to say goodbye to our precious girl, they put a butterfly sticker on our door. The sticker tell's everyone that our baby has passed away, and that they should be careful, and compassionate with the people on the other side of the door. Our room was virtually soundproofed. We didn't have to hear babies crying. We didn't have to hear the hustle of the maternity ward. We weren't woken up for breakfast, they let us sleep. Everyone treated us like we were royalty, following our lead, being so kind, so careful and so lovely.
All because of a butterfly.
The NICU sent us a condolence card. I didn't expect it, but when i opened it, and saw the butterfly on the front of the card, I just smiled. Their amazing treatment of us, from day one to the end of our daughters short life, was recognised in a butterfly.
Butterflies dont stay long, but while they are here, they make me happy. They make me smile. And they help me remember my daughter. They encouraged compassion, love and kindness.
Who knew a butterfly could do so much?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Who did I annoy
so badly, that I deserve to get a rotten, painful, nightmare of a period AND Gastro..
seriously. What.The.Hell...
seriously. What.The.Hell...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
It's about to get all yucky,
up in here, so if you don't want to hear about "whatsbeenhappeninginmyladybusiness".......then go away.
Evidently, because I am super special, and super lucky, I get to have TWO periods this month. Admittedly the first one was more of a "think I am, could it be, maybe not, oh well its over now" type affair.
This one has been more of a "dear god in heaven above stop this now because i think i am going to die" type affair. And that was only on day one. Periods, for me, are like sex after having a baby. Incredibly painful. The first couple are brutal.
I woke up this morning, at 2am, feverish and feeling like my appendix had burst. I was in agony. I was scared and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Then it occured to me. Aunt Flow, the old bitch was back. At least then I was awake enough to know that though I felt like I was going to die, it was a pretty unlikely outcome.
Emotionally, I expected this to be harder. But despite the yuk factor, the pain factor (and the potential for dying), I am actually glad to have a period. It means my body is regulating. Things are settling back into routine, the hormones are gone. Most importantly it means i can start keeping track of my cycle again. As soon as we get the Ok to try again, we're going to, which means I need to know when I'm ovulating. This will make that much easier.
I never, in a million years, thought I'd be happy for a period. As long as I'm hopped up on pain medication, I actually can be happy about this! I'm sure that will change, likely as soon as i start doing pregnancy tests - But right now - I'm almost, (not quite but almost) grateful.
Evidently, because I am super special, and super lucky, I get to have TWO periods this month. Admittedly the first one was more of a "think I am, could it be, maybe not, oh well its over now" type affair.
This one has been more of a "dear god in heaven above stop this now because i think i am going to die" type affair. And that was only on day one. Periods, for me, are like sex after having a baby. Incredibly painful. The first couple are brutal.
I woke up this morning, at 2am, feverish and feeling like my appendix had burst. I was in agony. I was scared and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Then it occured to me. Aunt Flow, the old bitch was back. At least then I was awake enough to know that though I felt like I was going to die, it was a pretty unlikely outcome.
Emotionally, I expected this to be harder. But despite the yuk factor, the pain factor (and the potential for dying), I am actually glad to have a period. It means my body is regulating. Things are settling back into routine, the hormones are gone. Most importantly it means i can start keeping track of my cycle again. As soon as we get the Ok to try again, we're going to, which means I need to know when I'm ovulating. This will make that much easier.
I never, in a million years, thought I'd be happy for a period. As long as I'm hopped up on pain medication, I actually can be happy about this! I'm sure that will change, likely as soon as i start doing pregnancy tests - But right now - I'm almost, (not quite but almost) grateful.
They may not be God
but doctors sure can work miracles.
Ellery is home! She gave her parents a nasty nasty scare, but they didn't have to be admitted, and as of last night she was back home, safe in her own bed, and improving once again. Thankyou to every one of you who have prayed for her, and thanks to those of you who emailed me demanding an update!
In other news, Once again, yesterday I tried to clean out Ariana's room. Once again, it did not go so well. I was doing ok, studiously ignoring the baby items in the corner of the room until i came across the jumpsuit. "The Jumpsuit" is the twin of the jumpsuit we bought for Ariana to be cremated in. We wanted her to wear things we bought her, to have things of hers with her. It may seem silly but it was so important to me that we bought her things, just like we have been doing for Lucy for nearly three years. It was the only time I was going to get to go shopping for her, and so, just seven days after my emergency C-section Matt and I went shopping. It sounds absurd doesn't it. Even I think it does. But then planning a memorial service, for ones newborn daughter must have been the most absurd part of it all.
Anyway, I was doing ok, for about three minutes until i found this jumpsuit. Seeing it just floored me. It was a preemie suit, and it was still about three sizes too big for Ariana. BYhut it was hers. And that was the most important detail. The fit didn't matter. The suit we bought came in a twin pack. There was a pink one, and a white one with little bunnies on it. She wore the pink suit, and we kept the white one for her memory box. We also bought her a bunny rug, a little beanie, and some little tiny white socks. I took photos of them all. Those few items remain so special to me.
I decided that I could spend the afternoon doing nothing, wasting time on facebook, or I could sit in that room, trying to clean it out, bawling my eyes out for God knows how long and achieve nothing more than I would achieve on facebook. I chose facebook.
Fifteen minutes later - Mel to the rescue. Choosing facebook was wise, she asked what i was doing, I told her, and here she was, stealing me away to give me a better afternoon than facebook or tears. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her!
The door to Ariana's room remains firmly closed. I really, truly, can't bring myself to go in there. I want to, I want to tidy it up, throw out the crap, and box up all her things, keep them tidy, and safe. I want to open the window, vacuum the carpet, and be able to leave the door open.
But for now, it's staying closed. Neither Matt nor I can deal with it. And it's not a safe place for Lucy to be going with things all stacked up and towering over her head. So we wait.
One day, I will deal with that room. Maybe once I deal with the emotions that come with going in there.
Ellery is home! She gave her parents a nasty nasty scare, but they didn't have to be admitted, and as of last night she was back home, safe in her own bed, and improving once again. Thankyou to every one of you who have prayed for her, and thanks to those of you who emailed me demanding an update!
In other news, Once again, yesterday I tried to clean out Ariana's room. Once again, it did not go so well. I was doing ok, studiously ignoring the baby items in the corner of the room until i came across the jumpsuit. "The Jumpsuit" is the twin of the jumpsuit we bought for Ariana to be cremated in. We wanted her to wear things we bought her, to have things of hers with her. It may seem silly but it was so important to me that we bought her things, just like we have been doing for Lucy for nearly three years. It was the only time I was going to get to go shopping for her, and so, just seven days after my emergency C-section Matt and I went shopping. It sounds absurd doesn't it. Even I think it does. But then planning a memorial service, for ones newborn daughter must have been the most absurd part of it all.
Anyway, I was doing ok, for about three minutes until i found this jumpsuit. Seeing it just floored me. It was a preemie suit, and it was still about three sizes too big for Ariana. BYhut it was hers. And that was the most important detail. The fit didn't matter. The suit we bought came in a twin pack. There was a pink one, and a white one with little bunnies on it. She wore the pink suit, and we kept the white one for her memory box. We also bought her a bunny rug, a little beanie, and some little tiny white socks. I took photos of them all. Those few items remain so special to me.
I decided that I could spend the afternoon doing nothing, wasting time on facebook, or I could sit in that room, trying to clean it out, bawling my eyes out for God knows how long and achieve nothing more than I would achieve on facebook. I chose facebook.
Fifteen minutes later - Mel to the rescue. Choosing facebook was wise, she asked what i was doing, I told her, and here she was, stealing me away to give me a better afternoon than facebook or tears. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her!
The door to Ariana's room remains firmly closed. I really, truly, can't bring myself to go in there. I want to, I want to tidy it up, throw out the crap, and box up all her things, keep them tidy, and safe. I want to open the window, vacuum the carpet, and be able to leave the door open.
But for now, it's staying closed. Neither Matt nor I can deal with it. And it's not a safe place for Lucy to be going with things all stacked up and towering over her head. So we wait.
One day, I will deal with that room. Maybe once I deal with the emotions that come with going in there.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This Is Ellery.
She is a miracle. A real, honest to God miracle. Given a 5% chance at survival when she was born at 33 weeks gestation with Hydrops.
She had a rough start to life. She had to fight hard, as did her family, and friends. Everyone was pulling for her, trying to help her, to save her.
She fought, and got stronger, and eventually came home, on oxygen and other treatments. But home! Where every baby should be. Home with her big brother Wyatt.
Isn't he adorable! Probably the best big brother there is!
Ellery kept improving, dealing with multiple setbacks, but her fighting spirit (and that of her mummy and daddy!) have always shone through.
Having her home, and healthy, was the dream, the prayer and the wish of every person who ever came across this beautiful little princess.
Today, Ellery the beautiful miracle baby, has celebrated her first birthday, and is moving forwards in leaps and bounds.
She will always have a weakness in her lungs, both from her prematurity, and from the obstacles she has faced in her short, amazing life. Just an hour ago, she was rushed to hospital, suffering RSV, Pneumonia, and uncontrollable fevers. Ellery needs your prayers.
This gorgeous little girl is so strong, and has fought so hard, now she needs our help. Please, tell every person you know, about Ellery. Ask them to pray. Ask them to donate to the March of Dimes. Ask them to spread her story.
Ellery is too special, and too loved, to have this beat her.
Links to her pages are below.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Being unemployed
has its perks. Like allowing me to wallow in bed recovering from the best weekend I've had in oh - forever?!
Friday night I decided Mel had had enough crappy in her life, and needed some fun, as did I. So we hit the pub for a night of cocktails, live music and much needed laughs. We both managed to sober up enough to be functioning parents again come Saturday morning but it was an awesome night.
Saturday morning we took Lucy to "Go Wild". Those who don't know what it is, it's an indoor play centre - and it's quite huge. The church we attend (on a not-too-often-should-get-there-more-but-something-always-seems-to-happen-when-we-try-to-type-basis) hires the place out for two hours once every couple of months. They open an hour early for us, so for the first hour its reasonably calm and quiet, and then its open to the general public at normal time, but we get discounted rates. It's really quite fabulous. So we went there for a bit over an hour, and let Lucy run and play and slide and just be crazy with the other kids.
We went shopping, got donuts and got her haircut and headed home for a much needed sleep. Saturday afternoon we went and picked up Matt's gadgety-doodad thing for the computer and then headed to the park with Mel and Jas, and the gang. Who knew a toddler who would climb tables and bookcases at home would spend fifteen minutes avoiding the climbing equipment and sand?! Bailey came round and the kids had a blast together.
Sunday, Sunday, the day of rest. Or not! Sunday morning we went to Sue's place, picked up some stuff she had for Lucy, and for Seth, and left with half a car of new things to fit into our house. Lucy LOVES Sue's house, she never leaves empty handed.
Back home for a sleep and then yesterday we went to the beautiful Gracee Joy Fraser's afternoon tea and baptism. We had stacks of fun, but gosh, by 8.30 last night sleep was so badly needed!
Today my neck is seriously sore, my head hurts and I feel hungover (after no alcohol), but I get to spend the day recovering. And I dont' have to worry about work.
So yes, un-employed deffinately has its advantages!
Friday night I decided Mel had had enough crappy in her life, and needed some fun, as did I. So we hit the pub for a night of cocktails, live music and much needed laughs. We both managed to sober up enough to be functioning parents again come Saturday morning but it was an awesome night.
Saturday morning we took Lucy to "Go Wild". Those who don't know what it is, it's an indoor play centre - and it's quite huge. The church we attend (on a not-too-often-should-get-there-more-but-something-always-seems-to-happen-when-we-try-to-type-basis) hires the place out for two hours once every couple of months. They open an hour early for us, so for the first hour its reasonably calm and quiet, and then its open to the general public at normal time, but we get discounted rates. It's really quite fabulous. So we went there for a bit over an hour, and let Lucy run and play and slide and just be crazy with the other kids.
We went shopping, got donuts and got her haircut and headed home for a much needed sleep. Saturday afternoon we went and picked up Matt's gadgety-doodad thing for the computer and then headed to the park with Mel and Jas, and the gang. Who knew a toddler who would climb tables and bookcases at home would spend fifteen minutes avoiding the climbing equipment and sand?! Bailey came round and the kids had a blast together.
Sunday, Sunday, the day of rest. Or not! Sunday morning we went to Sue's place, picked up some stuff she had for Lucy, and for Seth, and left with half a car of new things to fit into our house. Lucy LOVES Sue's house, she never leaves empty handed.
Back home for a sleep and then yesterday we went to the beautiful Gracee Joy Fraser's afternoon tea and baptism. We had stacks of fun, but gosh, by 8.30 last night sleep was so badly needed!
Today my neck is seriously sore, my head hurts and I feel hungover (after no alcohol), but I get to spend the day recovering. And I dont' have to worry about work.
So yes, un-employed deffinately has its advantages!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Evidently,
I was not quite clear enough, in my "powerful" post.
The image shown, is not my arm! I don't, nor have I ever, been a "cutter".
The photo is linked to the link below the photo, It's a facebook group, called "To Write Love on Her arm". The basic premise is that Love can heal, and conquer. That every persons story is unique, and important. I thought the image of the word "Love" written over the scars, the physical signs of torrment and pain, was powefully moving. Which is why I posted it. Please don't worry about me, I promise I am just fine.
The image shown, is not my arm! I don't, nor have I ever, been a "cutter".
The photo is linked to the link below the photo, It's a facebook group, called "To Write Love on Her arm". The basic premise is that Love can heal, and conquer. That every persons story is unique, and important. I thought the image of the word "Love" written over the scars, the physical signs of torrment and pain, was powefully moving. Which is why I posted it. Please don't worry about me, I promise I am just fine.
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