Ever feel like the light at the end of the tunnel

is the headlamp of an incomming train? Sometimes it just feels like we can't get a break.

Lucy has improved. I managed to dodge a visit to the hospital, but she is still complaining of sore ears and a sore throat. I can't tell if she just wants another visit to the doctor, (she really likes the doctor - of course she does, she doesn't have to pay the bill!), or if i should be taking myself and her back down there yet again. For now i've pretty much put it down to "wait and see", if she starts complaining more than once a day, and gets lethargic or something else looks amiss then we'll go back to panic stations.

She is now a whopping 4kgs under weight. Her appetite has improved marginally, but honestly, i'm still worried. We're booked in for another Pead appointment in October, but if she loses more weight before that then we'll get another one earlier. Meantime she's eating whatever i can get into her at whatever time of day. The other night she had 1 lettuce leaf and 1 chicken nugget for dinner. That was it. Last night she had a few mouthfulls of pasta. And on Monday night, she had three spoonfulls of mashed potato and a banana.

I don't want to hear that she will eat when she's hungry. Because she never is. At any time of the day. Just another thing to worry about.

Sleep wise, we're getting better. Slowly. We've managed to cut the midnight screaming matches down to only a few times a night, and not as long and drawn out. Now all i have to do is go into her room and rub her back till she calms down. Before i was pacing the halls with her while she screamed like she was in agony. Small steps, but last night i got a solid 8 hours sleep in the first time in a month. Talk about exciting!

Matt seems to have recovered from his bout with Tonsilitis relatively quickly, except now he has some other lurgy. And one of his drivers at work has a suspected case of swine flu. The chance of Matt getting that are practically none, but still. Swine Flu.

And so we come up to me again. As yet, I'm healthy! No sign of any of the ickines that Lucy and Matt have been breeding. Still crazily sleep deprived although last nights stint sure did help things, but no sore throat, not so much a migraine.

So if i'm perfectly healthy, WHY after 6 months of trying, am I still not pregnant?

How come when you desperately dont want to fall pregnant, when your on the pill, AND using condoms, you can fall pregnant, but when you look at your husband, the man you love and decide as a couple that your ready and willing, to try and have another baby, Your body betrays you.

I have spent a fortune on home pregnancy tests. Because i'm too scared, to terrified to wait until im due to have a period to find out if i'm pregnant or not. So i buy the tests. And i start testing a week before i'm due. So that its not so crushing to find out that, no, another month has gone by, and still i'm not pregnant.

I'm used to falling pregnant easily. I'm used to being able to think about being pregnant and finding out i am. So why now?

I really want my light at the end of the tunnel. And i want it not to be another train.