Monday, January 11, 2010

Its only been a week

but already it feels like a lifetime ago.

People look at me strangely when i go out, because most would still be hanging around the house trying to heal from the C-section. What they forget is I'm healing quickly, because my baby isn't with me.

I sleep all night. I have nobody to wake me up numerous times. My boobs don't hurt, because my milk has all but dried up. My scar barely worries me, because I can rest whenever I want, and take whatever medicines i need to to cover any pain i might get. I can take antibiotics for my infected arm, because i don't have to worry about it crossing my milk. My house is clean because i have no baby to take up all my time. And I can go out and shop, and go to the hairdresser because i have no baby at home.

Some might think I'm callous, but the truth is, this is my life. I miss Ariana so much some times it steals my breath away. Other times I catch myself feeling sad, and for a second or two I'm not sure why. Then I remember that a week ago, my baby girl went to heaven. Other times, I feel like life is just going on like it was before we even knew I was pregnant.

I miss her. I mourn her. But I feel at peace. I'm calm. And I have to go on for Lucy. I don't feel like I should be bogged down in despair. I do feel like other people expect that of me, but I don't feel I have to be like that, because its expected.

I cry for my daughter. I cry for the missed possibilities, the missed moments of love we won't see shared between Lucy and Ariana. I feel the emptiness of my body without her every second of every day. I find myself absentmindedly rubbing my tummy, where she used to be. I see her photo's, everything she ever owned, all fits into one memory box. Its amazing that in four days she could have so many little bits and pieces, that mean so much to us. She is around me every second of the day, in memories and in my heart.

I have to live my life, I have no choice. When our hearts and worlds stopped, the greater world, outside our family continued on. Time keeps passing us by. Days go past. Ariana would have been 11 days old today. But in our photos, in our lives, she will only ever be 4 days old. And that's OK, we can catch up on the rest in heaven with her.

I like to think that Ariana is being so loved, and kept so busy and content in heaven that by the time i get there, for her, it will have felt like a blink of an eye. That she won't have had time to even think about missing us because she's been too busy being loved, safe in the arms of Jesus.

And when you think about it like that, really, does it matter if I'm going shopping a week after my baby passed away?

1 comment:

Kristy said...

There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.