Thursday, February 26, 2009
I was minding my own business, cleaning the playroom when i notice an enormous grasshopper HANGING from the blind!! It was very still, and very dead looking. I summoned up the courage to go and remove it, very gently, (don't want to break off a leg or anything), and it suddenly came alive and landed on ME! Much screaming and jumping was done, and much hysterical laughing from Lucy. I was a shaky quivery mess for a good half hour and refused to step foot in that playroom again for the rest of the day. (I still don't know where it went).
Fast forward to the next evening, and again, I'm minding my own business, laying in my bed trying to get to sleep when i feel something move. On my arm. Which is in my bed. (do you sense I'm not OK with this!?) I grabbed my mobile to light up my arm and saw the most massive cricket that ever did ?walk? the planet, heading up my arm to my face. I flicked it across the room, and dumped some washing on top. Clean washing. Next morning, all memories of the nasty cricket gone from my head, i pick up a shirt and put it on. "wait, something doesn't feel right, its scratchy...what the hell is that...*lift up bottom of shirt* HOLY CRAP ARGHHHHHH!!!!. And more laughing from Lucy.......
By this point in time, I'm CONVINCED the buggy kingdom has my poster up in its villages saying "attack this person for crimes against bugs (I've been known to dislike them prior to my nightmare week..)
THEN THE GECKO ATTACKED ME. I swear to God, it lunged at me, off the kitchen bench and went right down the front of my shirt.. where it.. got its TAIL. STUCK. IN. MY. BRA. Picture it if you dare. Me dancing around the kitchen screaming, one very unhappy gecko writhing about in my cleavage trying to get its tail free, and Matt calling in a very bored voice from the lounge "what now?!" Eventually it freed its self, i danced around trying not to step on it, still flapping my shirt around somewhere in the vicinity of my eyeballs while the neighbours tried to decide if I was in fact insane.
I rest my case. Bugs hate me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I agonised over the decision, I worried I would cause pain, and heartache, that it would be the wrong thing to send, Or that I don't have the right to intrude.
Turns out, its all OK. The angels arrived safely, and were very well received. For this first time, in a few weeks, I feel like I've done something productive to HELP instead of just saying I'm sorry, instead of that quiet presence i feel like I've achieved something for someone else.
And that makes me happy.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I think that's alright, I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to have a tough time every now and then. Today, it all just kind of fell on top of me.
Lucy was tired and cranky pretty much for the entire day. All day she has been demanding and irrational which, with me in my current flue *i want to die* state, just didn't gel that well.
And then i got to thinking about our lost babies again, and about the baby that we should have been welcoming into the world on or around the 15th April....
And I think, that's where my day went to hell. I miss my baby. Seeing Bec with Tilly is hard, we were exactly 10 weeks apart in our pregnancies. She has her baby, i have a vacant space, and extra weight gain from being an emotional wreck yet again.
I don't mean to moan. I guess, really, today has just been a REALLY. BAD. DAY. Tomorrow will be better. That's one thing I've learned. One bad day, eventually balances out with a good one.
*oh my other parcel arrived today! Into the post tomorrow to arrive hopefully by Monday, only a day later than i hoped! My one sparkle for the day*
Thursday, February 19, 2009
ANYHOW... I'm not sure which one it is that has arrived, but I do love them both equally. :) I'm just waiting on the second one to arrive, and then i can post it out to its rightful owner. I do hope I can get them there by Sunday, even if i have to drop them off myself.... I'm a little nervous about how they will be received, I'm new to this sort of thing, and a little worried that i might overstep a boundary. I'm trying to help, so I hope they will be liked, loved even.
In other news, i was talking to my hubby (read amazing and wonderful) about OUR lost babies, and I mentioned to him that although after each baby we lost, people we so lovely and sent flowers and meals, I feel like I missed out, because i have nothing tangible of them.
I only have 1 ultrasound photo of our last little bub, and for the others, I have nothing. My beautiful friend Bec bought me a Lion when i was in hospital after our first loss, and she just called it "the be brave lion". I treasure that lion to this day, and also the puppy Matt got me just after our second loss. But other than that, i have nothing. I was too distraught after the first miscarriage to ask for the scan photos, and for the others, i didn't even want to think about it, I was too deeply mired in grief and denial. Yet here i find myself, a few years down the road, after the birth of my amazing daughter, and very much wishing i had something tangible to hold onto as a reminder of them. They may not have been with me for long, but they were still a part of me, of us, and I'm really regretting not having anything special as a token, or symbol of the babies we so desperately loved and lost.
Because I'm a "googler" ( I google EVERYTHING) I looked it up, and was surprised to find an entire community of people just like me. And they had so many ideas, a lot of them, really, we couldn't use because they required footprints or hand prints of the baby, we lost ours far to early for this to be possible. One person had a suggestion that really stood out to me, she suggested that i get a charm necklace, 1 charm for each baby, including Lucy. I fell in love with this idea.
And It's exactly what i want to do. Matt's been looking out for special baby type charms for me for a couple of weeks now, and i've been searching online. I found some, and he found some, and tonight, we might go and buy one or two (they are expensive I've discovered). I don't mind buying them one at a time, after all, we lost our babies, one at a time, but I would really like to have all 5 charms by April 15. The due date for our "squirt" as she was affectionately known for the 10 short weeks she was with us.
As much as I know I'm going to love this necklace, knowing that i have a way to remember my precious babies, I hope i never have to add another charm to it again. I would prefer to never have had to google "remembering a lost baby"...
Its a hard thing to come to terms with. But I know I'm going to love having my babies close to my heart, in a obvious form. And who knows, i may not wear the necklace all the time, but I'll treasure it. And when Lucy and hopefully her sister or brother are older, I'll show them the necklace, and tell them about their siblings, gone from our lives, but remembered in our heart forever more. xo
Monday, February 16, 2009
Having said that, sometimes, the hardest thing to do, is to let go of someone you love. For whatever reason, good or bad, letting go, can be the hardest thing ever.
Supporting a Grieving friend 101. Someone told me that nobody has ever fully completed the course. I wish, so very much, that nobody ever had to start that course.
Below is something i found tonight online. For some reason, when tragedy strikes, I search. I google other peoples stories, I look for inspirational poems, pictures, anything that might help to make sense of whats happening. It never truly works. But, still, I post them.
So here is tonight's offering. I think its beautiful. xo
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I would like to send a letter to heaven
and address it to the one I love
My child has left this world,
to be with the Lord above.
I would tell him that I love him,
and that I miss his loving touch.
I would say we're lost without him
and we miss him, oh, so much
I would ask if he could visit,
if we promised not to cry.
Maybe one more time to see him,
We forgot to say "Goodbye"
We will try to control our emotions,
we truly feel we could
So please, we need a visit,
we promise we'll be good.
It is so hard, we miss him
Oh Lord, this feeling is the worst
We know you gave him to us,
Yes, we know you had him first.
But you called him prematurely,
I'm sorry I question your will
I know you have your reasons,
But Lord, I miss him still
If you'd only make an exception,
Please consider what we plea,
Its so hard accepting
Our Son, we'll never see
Oh baby I write you this letter
with all the love there is to be had
Because its not just me who's hurting
There's your brothers, and your dad.
We need so much to see you,
then we'll try and let you rest
But if not in this world baby,
Then we'll see you in the next
So I'm sending a letter to heaven,
And pray you hear my plea
But if the answer is not what I'm asking
Lord, come and rescue me.
(Written by Paula Osipovitch)
It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief
since "Men don't cry" and "Men are strong"
No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls, and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They will always ask, if she's alright
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask
"my friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
He dries her eyes and comforts her
but "stays strong" for her sake
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
To try and be so brave
When he lost his baby too.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I can see myself spending a LOT of money on these beautiful angels..
Friday, February 13, 2009
I generally don't hang around shopping centres. I've never been one of those people who joins the "Mums and Bubs, coffee and cake" days. I pretty much feel soo awkward and out of place at these kinds of shindigs that i politely decline and run like hell.
But today i found out, that the best thing to do when its raining and your toddler is climbing the walls, and your patience levels, is to hit a shopping centre. But there are a couple of important points to remember.
1. Ensure that you never arrive before 2.30pm on a weekday. Better to never arrive at all on a weekend, (or a Thursday night!!) these places get a tad.. well.. dangerous lets say. Arriving before 2.30 on a weekday means that all the aforementioned "mums and bubs.. " clubs are still in residence, with their sometimes loud and raucous toddlers. It also means that people haven't left to go and collect their school children yet. (Read..dangerous) Come 2.30, the place clears RIGHT OUT, and along with it, the kids off the playground.
2. Bribe... ahem.. BARGAIN with your child. 2 more shops, and then we can play on the playground. Or in my case, OK, 10 minutes at the playground, and then we go to 3 shops, get maccas for dinner (shut up, i had a lot to buy....), and then, because the place is practically deserted you can run off all your crazy "raining all day want to go skydiving" type energy for the next hour ALONE on the playground.
That's right. We spent 1.15 minutes at the indoor playground, me sitting on my big backside doing much of nothing, Lucy running herself into the ground without having to worry about the "big" kids beating her up, knocking her over, or causing me to mutter under my breath about inconsiderate parents who don't discipline their bratty children.
....Oh sorry, tangent there..
In the end, she shared with about 3 children, all of whom stayed out of her way, were quite pleasant to be around, and who left not long after arriving much to my delight (hey i said they were pleasant, i didn't say i LIKED them...)
Lucy had the most wonderful play, ran off all her excess energy and crashed into bed right on time. And I, rested my aching feet and looked at all my beautiful pink purchases for Tilly, and yellow and white ones for Jen.
Perfectly lovely ending to what started as a very VERY miserable wet day at home.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
A beautiful photo collage in the reception. A guest book with over 150 names. "You are my sunshine" playing in the background. A very tiny, white coffin with one very beautiful flower bouquet on top. A filled church. 131 Helium Balloons.
This was how we said goodbye to Samuel Paul Fraser, aged 4 months.
2 proud older brothers, not quite grasping the gravity of the day, except to announce, We love our Sammy.
I could not contain the emotions running through me. I was crying before i stepped foot in the church. I don't think anything can ever prepare you for attending the funeral of such a young child. I have so much admiration, and love, for Tammy and Simon. This couple, have not only lost their much wanted, much cherished baby boy, but during a time of such heartache, they have had to continue on for their other 2 beautiful boys. They have had to try, like any family, to keep the children as a first priority, while I'm sure their hearts are breaking.
"Jesus Loves Me This I Know..." Another poignant moment, more tears from group gathered to farewell an angel.
At the end of the service, 131 balloons were released. One for every day of Sammy's life. I think, for many people, letting go of those balloons, was harder than ever expected. To physically let go of something so tangible, gave many of us, the smallest glimpse at what this brave family were feeling, and having to do. Watching them float up into the sky on the breeze, was the hardest moment for me. Knowing that soon, they would disappear from sight, leaving just a memory, like Sammy, was devastating.
I could never say it was a good funeral. No funeral can ever, be good. Especially not, when its for such a young baby. But it was beautiful. It was moving. It touched peoples hearts, as Sammy did.
So for a very sad day, a goodbye to such a lovely baby boy, it was heartbreaking, and it was final. Sammy has been sent to heaven with a goodbyes from so many people who loved him so much. Now its left to us to all pick up the pieces, and help the family heal, and move forward, slowly and surely, to a time, where they can look back on Sammy's time, and smile.
So today is a day of sadness and celebration.
This morning we say a final goodbye to Sammy, with his grieving family and heartbroken mummy. That the world is empty without his smiling face is an understatement.
This afternoon we welcome Matilda, and go and meet her. A brand new baby in this scary, hurting world.
I'm already an emotional wreck, and the funeral doesn't start for a couple of hours yet.
What do you say to someone who's just lost their reason for living..
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Its far to messy when, a few hours later, it returns to scream "bad mummy" at me. Its far too traumatic to wipe her little butt after yet another explosive "incident'.
I have learnt, that no matter how big and brown Lucy's eyes may be at the time, THAT chocolate ice-cream will never again, be consumed in this house. It hurts her, and us, too much, apparently.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Is office works.
I'm a tad addicted to stationery. The most exciting thing you can do for me is give me money and send me to office works to go crazy.
I. LOVE. THIS. STORE.
And now, So does Lucy.
Matt went to office works last weekend while I was at work. While he looked at all the pretty post it notes for me, Lucy got to work.
Now the fact that she got the sequence right, to me, is pretty impressive. Not quite as impressive as the tantrum she threw when, after daddy took her photo, she had to put them all away.
At least now I know what to do with Lucy when it rains and we want to get out of the house.
Office Works here we COME!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Its much tidier now, and although its not up to my usual standard due to my ridiculous migrane that i've been sporting all day, it now looks like a family of people live here, as opposed to a family of rather disgusting zoo animals.
My reason for not cleaning today? (Apart from the the headache that i swear i thought was going to kill me), is that after all this sadness with Sammmy, and the funeral being in a few short days, today, i felt like playing with Lucy.
I have playdoh under my nails, Paint on my leg and im sure we coloured in an entire Dora book and watched FAR TOO MUCH Hi5 and Dora on the TV today. And I don't care. Today, I did whatever Lucy wanted me to do, when she wanted it. (within reason!)
Every day i have with Lucy is precious to me. I went through so much pain and heartache to have her, and to know that someone has lost their light, reminds me to treasure mine so much more.
So although my heart still breaks for little Sammy and his family, I treasure my Miss Lucy, so much more than i enjoy a clean house, or the dishes all being washed.
So today was just about the two of us. And really, when you prioritise, the paint in the carpet is just a reminder of what a lovely, relaxed loving day we shared. I will look at that VERY pink stain, and remember. And smile.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
So imagine my shock and surprise when i had my performance review today and found out that A. My boss loves me (this was previously debatable), and B. That i totally rocked out on my performance review and earned myself an awesome (read good sized) pay rise.. WHOOP!
My boss and i have had a few teething issues since she took over last year. But Ive learnt a lot while she's been in the role, and now.. I'm looking good to take over the world..
Well, perhaps not the world.
But one day baby, a little close to home... I'll be running that show..
For now, i'm just very proud of myself. :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I've been trying to sleep since 9pm. Its not going so well.
My thoughts are full of Sammy. And his family.
Tamara King 's thoughts a filled with Sammy and cant sleep. 30 minutes ago -
Tammy Fraser at 10:37pm February 1
mine too... but i have to try... i gotta be strong for my family so i gotta try and get some sleep... hope you can get some rest soon too
I've been trying to make myself available to Tammy for most of the day. Just trying to be around, in case she comes online and wants to talk, or needs anything. I have contact numbers for her, but grief is private, and I sent her a text this morning. I dont want her to have to worry about anything other than her family at this point. So mostly, I'm just trying to be a quiet presence.
Except i'm not so quiet. I'm actually quite a wreck. Like i said in an earlier post, I haven't ever experienced this for myself, but i keep coming back to that hollow, empty feeling i carry around with me after each and every miscarriage. No doubt the family's pain is different, but that pain, the pain i recognise, i wouldn't wish on anyone.
My heart is litterally breaking for Tammy and her family. I met Tammy when i started working in Childcare, she was my assistant director, and my Group Leader. Everything i know about children, i learnt from her. She taught me so much, and while we didnt always get along, there was a quiet respect between us.
We've kept in touch, just this past 6 months from when she looked me up on facebook and added me as a friend. From then I learnt all about her Children, and that she was expecting another baby, another boy, in the next couple of months.
I'm so honoured to have been invited to the Baptism last weekend. To have been a part of a ceremony honouring and celebrating Sammy with all her family and close friends, is humbling.
All i want right now is to support her. To help her. To make her hurt less, to go back to that night, and say "dont put him to bed, hold him a little longer, kiss him once more, tell him you love him just one more time", to somehow prevent this tragedy from happening.
What is done is done, I can't change anything. I can't go back in time. I can't say anything to make it better. I'm helpless in this awful situation that no parent ever should have to face. I can't bare the hurt, the pain.
I can't understand the void. To be a mother of 3 beautiful boys, and then to have one of those boys just taken from you.
I dont understand any of this. I'm writing to try and take the edge off. To remove some of the frustration, to maybe get my head to a point where i can stop thinking about this long enough to get some sleep.
This post is completely disjointed. It will make no sense when i read it back in the light of a new day. But for now, its what i'm feeling, and thinking. Its all i can think about. it doesn't have to make sense because its come from my heart more than its coming from my head.
There is a new kind of reality now, and its one that teaches us to love deeply, cherish our children and hold tight to every moment before it is taken from us.
I just wish this lesson did come at the expense of one very special, very loved baby boy named Sammy.
Last Sunday, we went to a baptism. In fact i complained about how hot it was at the baptism, but like i said in my earlier post, despite the heat it was a beautiful service. Little Sammy Fraser, 4 months was baptised and there was much excitement over this promising little mans future. He was beautiful, and little, and Loved. So very loved, as evidenced by all the people who turned out to witness such a special, and blessed event.
Sometime between Friday night and early this morning, Sammy passed away.
I have no answers. I don't know why Sammy was taken, I don't even know if he was Ill. But I know his family are destroyed in their grief of losing him.
I've been through 4 miscarriages. Horrible, testing, devastating times. But I've never known the agony and heartache of losing a baby after holding them inside, as a part of your body and heart for 9 months. Of going through labour, and then having your little baby in your arms, to watch them slip away, such a short time later.
I have no doubt that its a different kind of pain, A kind I'm not accustomed to dealing with, to feeling.
I feel so helpless, and so sad. So very sad. For this family, and for what they are going through.
For his baptism last week, we bought him a gift. We bought Sammy a little zebra, for him to look at, a touch n feel book, and a children's bible. We also got him a card.
On the card I wrote " Dear Sammy, Congratulations on your special day. We hope your life brings love, laughter, peace and happiness. Love Tam, Matt & Lucy"
I agonised over that card, i didn't know what to write on it, I didn't want to write the wrong thing. I wanted to to be RIGHT. To be fitting of such a special event. In the end i figured that the effort would perhaps mean more than the card its-self, and that essentially, It's just a card.
At least I can know, that for his 4 short months with his family, his days were indeed filled with Love, Laughter, Peace and Happiness.
And despite his short life, That is more than enough
I have now been told is suspected that Sammy passed away from SIDS. Such a terrible, devestating loss.
Four months is never long enough, never for any parent.
Cherished and Loved for Ever
Samuel Fraser, 4 short months you were with your Family but you'll always be in our hearts and minds.
Love to you forever.
The world is too sad a place to be in today.