Sunday, February 1, 2009

Its practically the middle of the night

and my alarm is set for 5am. I know full well i should be asleep. But grief has a way of stopping you doing what you need to.

I've been trying to sleep since 9pm. Its not going so well.

My thoughts are full of Sammy. And his family.

Tamara King 's thoughts a filled with Sammy and cant sleep. 30 minutes ago -

Tammy Fraser at 10:37pm February 1
mine too... but i have to try... i gotta be strong for my family so i gotta try and get some sleep... hope you can get some rest soon too

I've been trying to make myself available to Tammy for most of the day. Just trying to be around, in case she comes online and wants to talk, or needs anything. I have contact numbers for her, but grief is private, and I sent her a text this morning. I dont want her to have to worry about anything other than her family at this point. So mostly, I'm just trying to be a quiet presence.

Except i'm not so quiet. I'm actually quite a wreck. Like i said in an earlier post, I haven't ever experienced this for myself, but i keep coming back to that hollow, empty feeling i carry around with me after each and every miscarriage. No doubt the family's pain is different, but that pain, the pain i recognise, i wouldn't wish on anyone.

My heart is litterally breaking for Tammy and her family. I met Tammy when i started working in Childcare, she was my assistant director, and my Group Leader. Everything i know about children, i learnt from her. She taught me so much, and while we didnt always get along, there was a quiet respect between us.

We've kept in touch, just this past 6 months from when she looked me up on facebook and added me as a friend. From then I learnt all about her Children, and that she was expecting another baby, another boy, in the next couple of months.

I'm so honoured to have been invited to the Baptism last weekend. To have been a part of a ceremony honouring and celebrating Sammy with all her family and close friends, is humbling.

All i want right now is to support her. To help her. To make her hurt less, to go back to that night, and say "dont put him to bed, hold him a little longer, kiss him once more, tell him you love him just one more time", to somehow prevent this tragedy from happening.

What is done is done, I can't change anything. I can't go back in time. I can't say anything to make it better. I'm helpless in this awful situation that no parent ever should have to face. I can't bare the hurt, the pain.

I can't understand the void. To be a mother of 3 beautiful boys, and then to have one of those boys just taken from you.

I dont understand any of this. I'm writing to try and take the edge off. To remove some of the frustration, to maybe get my head to a point where i can stop thinking about this long enough to get some sleep.

This post is completely disjointed. It will make no sense when i read it back in the light of a new day. But for now, its what i'm feeling, and thinking. Its all i can think about. it doesn't have to make sense because its come from my heart more than its coming from my head.

There is a new kind of reality now, and its one that teaches us to love deeply, cherish our children and hold tight to every moment before it is taken from us.

I just wish this lesson did come at the expense of one very special, very loved baby boy named Sammy.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I saw you linked to me and decided to stop by for a visit.

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I can't remember who said it, but I've heard it said that when you have a child, it is like having your heart walking around outside your body. And there is no greater grief. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Tam King said...

Hey Mary,

Thanks, i love your blog, i stop by there often. It is true, their can be no greater pain than losing a child. Thankyou for your prayers i'll be sure to pass them on to the family. xo