Saturday, May 1, 2010

I have a new place to hang!!

I outgrew blogger. Or rather, blogger gave me the cranky-pants, so I bailed.

Find me at

All comments are over there too :) It's worth the visit, I promise :)

I took a few days,

to decide how I would respond to this:

It wasn't that the "anonymous" writer inferred that I have too much self pity. It wasn't that they suggested I talk too much, Say too much, Judge too much and have somehow missed really living. It wasn't even the part where I am too forward, too blunt and as a result deserved the lynching I got in response to my comment on facebook.

It was the part where "anonymous" decided that assumption is a terrible thing.

I disagree.

In some cases, assumption can be a terrible thing. I believe that if you assume your next door neighbour has gone missing because her husband murdered her, without any valid reason for such an assumption, then yes, that IS terrible.

But assuming a child may, or may not be in a dangerous situation, based on what you have seen, heard and and experienced yourself? That is not dangerous. That is a little something we so elegantly call "gut instinct". How many times have you been told "if it doesn't feel right, It's probably not.". Or, If it seems to good to be true, it probably is". Or, If you don't feel comfortable in a situation, leave it, immediately," "Don't talk to strangers".

Every one of those statements is based on an assumption. You can't know, that the scary man over there who keeps looking at you with an odd look on his face, will be the one to follow you home and rape you. But you feel awkward, so you leave the situation, with a friend. Instead of walking, you get a cab. You take steps to protect yourself

I assumed nothing. I didn't assume the child was being abused. I didn't assume that the woman was regularly screaming in the face of her six week old daughter. I stated a simple fact. That I could hear, the lady next door screaming at her kids. Because, shocker! I could! And yes, it upset me to hear her going off her tree, screaming at a new baby, using language that I don't even use directed at that child. Even if Ariana was not meant to be that baby's age, it would upset me.

Apparently, I was not the only person who was worried for those children, because about half an hour later, the police showed up. I didn't call them. I didn't assume that that child was in danger at that particular time. I did however, voice my displeasure at the situation, and voice how incredulous I was that someone who has a child felt that screaming at a baby was justifiable. I'm sorry, It's not. I never said she was not having a bad day. I said she was screaming. Why she was screaming is not pertinent to the fact I was trying to put forward that said "screaming at a baby is unacceptable". Even if you are having the worst day of your life, It is unacceptable. That one person could not see that, that one person felt that screaming at a baby was OK, if you are having a bad day, rattled me.

Children are the most precious beings on this planet. They deserve love, and respect. And who knows, maybe that mother felt bad for yelling. I can't know, I won't presume to know she doesn't. But the point I was making, was that in that second it was wrong. And what pissed me off, was that people, including anonymous, keep saying it was not.

"To Error is a human feature".

Thank you anonymous, for pointing out the obvious, but I would like to point out that it is not an excuse. Would you be horrified if the Paedophile who was being convicted pulled out that line? I would be. I would tell him to take responsibility for his actions, to admit he was wrong, that he hurt someone! Hiding behind such a cliche' is immature. And that's all I'm going to say to address that particular point.

After all of this blew up on facebook, I deleted the person who was so certain that screaming at a baby was OK. I couldn't reconcile that with the person who has a child, and decided that the difference in opinion, was enough for me to terminate the link. Of course, this evidently made her cranky, I believe she saw it as a cop-out of the disagreement, and posted this

"......glad you deleted me coz I was about to do the same to you because frankly you need a more positive attitude...most of your comments are negative!"

To that I say, You are the only one. The only one, as yet who has said to me that most of my comments are negative. I have a single profile status with 30 commenter's saying that they love my status updates, they like to hear whats been happening with our family, how we're dealing with losing Ariana, and how our latest pregnancy is progressing. If you can't handle a little reality in your life, a little bit of something that is not sunshine and rainbows, then I fear for you should something truly terrible (God Forbid), ever happen.

I hope, I don't have to come back to this topic again, although "anonymous" is likely to strike back, as we've seen previously.

Anonymous, If you want to be taken seriously, I recommend leaving a name. (Post as anonymous if you want, write your name somewhere in the comments), otherwise, I'm likely to continue believing you and and this scum are one and the same.

*find my response to the latest anonymous at

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

All hell broke loose.

My neighbour is crazy. No two ways about it. She's locally known as the "shrew" due to her constantly screaming at her daughter, and husband. The good news is she recently had a baby. The bad news is today I heard her screaming AT the baby.

It really upset me to hear someone yelling at a tiny baby like that. Swearing at a six week old child is completely unacceptable to me!  Well, I posted as my status on Facebook

"can hear her neighbour yelling at her kids, one of which is exactly the age Ariana should be. Lovely".

That was it. You would think I just declared world war three. I was going to  put the 47 comments here - yep, 47 comments. I even copied them since I deleted the thread - it was upsetting me and frankly it was making me want to yell at some people to wake up to themselves. Did you know there are people in this world who will openly JUSTIFY yelling and screaming and swearing at a baby "because they aren't coping?". Even after I pointed out that the child she was swearing at was SIX weeks old!

In my world children are protected from such atrocities. They are not sworn at by their parents. They are not abused. And when they are I sure as hell don't stand up for the parent!

I am so angry. Before I was upset, mainly at the neighbour. Now I am so angry that some people will protect an adult without so much as a second thought for the children. I'm a bad neighbour? Fine. I don't care about her, or myself. I care about the kids.

Unlike others.

It's taken my entire life,

but I think my name suits me.

The name Tamara means "Palm Tree" in Hebrew. Seriously? Palm Tree? Not "Mighty Warrier" or "Strength" or "Compassion" or any of those awesome things a name can mean. Just Palm Tree. I've always sniggered at the meaning of my name, always felt a bit condescending about it. Like it was just silly. I've often thought my parents clearly didn't do their research before they named me.

However. Palm trees, as I've recently learned, a pretty great. They are flexible, they don't snap at the first hard wind that comes through. They grow tall and and straight, as if they have something to aim for, a goal to achieve. A palm tree will often withstand the heaviest things nature throws at it - Cyclones, Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes - they still stand.

In the (almost) five years since Matt and I got married we have had some pretty brutal stuff thrown at us. There have been good times, but there have been a lot of sad times as well. Very very sad times. Somehow though, we've stood together. We've stayed upright, fought through and leant on each other when we needed to. We've supported each other, and we've come through it all. Every.Single.Thing.

Nothing has beaten us.

We spent last night in the ED. I started spotting again, and had some pretty vicious cramping going on, and so we took off for what really is a routine early pregnancy check up for me. The hospital was amazing. They took me right back, found me a bed immediately and started drawing blood and organising pain relief and a scan. It took them six attempts to get a line in, which had me in tears but once it was over, and Matt was back by my side, I was good to go again.

Our scan showed an excellent lining around the sac, a sac measuring 5weeks 4 days and what could have been a fetal pole but was too tiny to tell for certain. My beta's were 11000 which they tell me is perfect for gestational size and everything else looked great. I have to be re-scanned in ten days to check for viability, heartbeat and positioning but the doctors seem positive.

The cramping has subsided (although every twinge and Im likely to panic!), and I feel much better this morning although my hands where they blew out the veins are rendered almost useless through pain. The spotting is once again almost non existant.

I hate the first three months of pregnancy. I wish I could just skip into trimester two, where things are more secure, not so volatile!

Meantime, I have a mantra. It goes "Palm Tree, Palm Tree, Palm Tree". Believe it or not - It's helping!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Veiled Insults

The most insulting thing i think anyone ever said to me when Ariana was dying was "pray harder".

Really? Pray harder? We Have been praying!! From the day we found out she existed we prayed she would live, that she would be our healthy baby. We prayed desperately that it was a nightmare, that our child was not terminally Ill. We prayed our family would survive the pain, we prayed Lucy would not loose her innocence. We prayed. Hard. Everyday. It was all we could do.

When that person said pray harder their ignorance was completley exposed. They made it seem like our lack of faith caused it. That if we had been to church regularly that God wouldn't have picked us to experience the highs and lows of Ariana.

Its taken me four months to come up with a response.

"God does amazing things. He answers every prayer. I believe that, honestly. Sometimes though, prayers aren't answered the way we want. Praying repetitively for one thing won't change God's mind, his plan is set. Sure, pray. Cry out, ask for healing. But i don't believe we can beg until God changes his mind. Don't imply it's my fault, or that of my husband. We didn't cause it. God healed our daughter, she has a heavenly body. She is healed. In Gods time. On his terms. And we are ok with that. We asked God for healing, don't say she didn't get it."

-- Post From My iPhone

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Barefoot and Pregnant.

The amazing reality in where a simple pregnancy test can lead me from here on a direct climb to here almost belies belief.

In fact, I'm still not certain I really believe it.

I dreamt today that I was pregnant, and when I had the baby, after many hours in labour, there was but a whisp of smoke, and then it was gone, leaving me lying on the bed with nothing but the faint residue of ash, and no understanding of what had just happened.

How appropriate that I dream of ash, in relation to a baby of mine. My first baby is at childcare today, playing in the mud puddles, and painting with her friends. My second baby sits on the shelf in the lounge room - ash.

Still, this pregnancy has given me the positive. The much needed 'thing' to focus on. And I am grateful.

Peace, Clarity, all of it. Right now, lies in the fusion of a few cells deep in my body. An ultrasound couldn't tell you right now if those cells hold promise, or heartache. But for me, for us, they hold every single positive thought or feeling we manage to conjur up.

The way in which

I 'do' pregnant worries me. I get tired, big sore boobs, a headache, and constipated. That goes on for nine months - or however long I manage to stay pregnant. I had two weeks of feeling seasick with Ariana, but only when I was on a bus, train or in a car. For most of the time I am fine. I wouldn't know morning sickness if it hit me over the head.

People say that I'm lucky not to get sick. Really? I have practically no physical signs that a baby is maybe going to arrive in our world, and when it does go bad and people say 'did your symptoms stop or go away', I get to say 'they were never there to begin with.' which invariably leads to the raised eyebrows and the 'oh, I see.'

There is actually nothing to prove that bad pregnancy syptoms Are due to a healthy thriving baby. Noone can explain why some people get sick and others don't. Some theorize that the pregnancy hormones cause the body to super sensitive to foods that may be dangerous, or not worth digestion, because the immune system becomes repressed during a pregnancy to prevent the body attacking the fetus as it would a 'virus' or other invasion. This makes sense to me. So for whatever reason I just don't get sick. But just like every other person I look to symptoms to tell me the state of my pregnancies. Crazy huh.

This morning when I woke up I was ecstatic. I have been symptom free this pregnancy. That on top of the spotting I was having had me secretly worried it was all over. Then yesterday I noticed I was Exhausted. A good sign. Then today, I'm still exhausted and my boobs are K.I.L.L.I.N.G me! Plus it appears the constipation is kicking in.

The spotting stopped a few days ago now, and with the sudden onset of symtoms, just maybe 'offspring' will make it!

All I know for certain right now is that I am tired. I need a nap!

-- Post From My iPhone