Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I'm no different to anyone else because

there are things in my life that i regret. I'm sure everyone has those moments where they go "ya know..that might have been a dreadful mistake..." I usually don't dwell on the things i regret, usually i figure its a regret so you just either move on or ignore it all together and hope it might disappear into that tiny space behind your subconscious, never to be heard from again.

It never works that well for me though That little space. Maybe I've filled mine up. But i have regrets.

Today i learned that i actually have the capacity to hate. I never in my life have hated. I've been through a lot, I've hurt a lot, cried a lot and messed up a lot. But I've never before had the will to hate. And it stems from those regrets.

I guess the subconscious is never as far away as we want it to be.

I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My heart is literally broken in two. I don't know how much more i can take, I've never been truly depressed before today. I'm always so optimistic, even if I'm down i can think of the "at least, this means, one good thing is" scenarios.

I'm beyond that after this past week and a half. Every single think that could go wrong has. I'm exhausted from trying to think whats going to fall apart next!

I think i need a holiday. A new job, a new town and a new life.

Me and my little ray of sunshine.

Just cause i needed a cuddle

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


by my best friend. It hurts to know that when you trust someone with something that is so private, so hurtful and so intimate that they can in a moment of "emotion" blurt it all out to somebody else. To know that everything i shared, every hurt and every tear has potentially been spread to an outside party kills me.

I cannot fathom how after all the trust, the good times in one minute everything can be destroyed. I've lost faith in my best friend. And i dont understand how in the moment where i was upset, asking how it could have happened she had the nerve to tell me it was because "you know how emotional i am.."

Im so confused, but more than that im so so very angry and disapointed.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Its a good kind of exhausted

because we had the busiest weekend ever. Friday night we had dinner with family and then Matt and i spent a couple of hours painting walls at mum and dads place. Saturday i dragged myself into work for the day and then with a migrane that afternnon we headed to Kangaroo Point for dinner with friends which was lovely. Lucy went crazy playing with the girls, Lillie (nearly 2) and Laila (7 months). Sunday saw us heading to Southbank to catch up with a friend Vanessa and her family. Lucy went swimming (fully clothed - she's too quick for us, we weren't letting her go cause it was freezing!), played at the park with Jenee while daddy and Alister chased them around mummy got BIG cuddles with Willow. She's so precious, only a month old but she still looks all little and squishy.

We got hot chips for lunch and topped it off with a chocoloate icecream that lucy ended up swimming in. We wandered through the markets for a while and then Jenee wanted to get a temporary tatoo. Lucy thought that was the coolest thing ever so she got one too, just a little one on her arm, a tiny lady bug. Today she is deffinately the coolest kid at kindy!

So we had a very busy, exhausting fun weekend. It was lovely to spend time with Lucy just playing and having fun before we get full swing into the packing/unpacking/Christmas run.

We have got to stop moving house in December! :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Drumroll please.....

I have become Mrs Handy. Thats right, you heard it here first, i now know how to measure cut and create a wall and then i also know how to seal up the gaps with plaster, i know how to sand it back and i know how to make the white dust go everywhere and make the whole house look like its been snowing for a month..(aim the fan at the wall your sanding!)

Im rather proud of myself, and my aching muscles prove to me that i am indeed a Mrs Handy.

Now if i could just get that motivation to help me finish packing up the house.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I freaked out totally because

i very nearly lost my job. And 35 others did. After a massive re-shuffle of staffing 35 people were made redundant yesterday morning. What a horrible, stressful time for everyone involved. There were many many tears and some devestated people.

I feel so badly for those people affected. But i also feel badly for the ones who get to stay, the ones like me, who have to adjust and learn new ways. The change in here today is incredible, its so empty and all the friends are missing. Walking from one side of the office to the other is like walking through a morgue. Its deadline day today, there should be 80+ people in the building today, its deserted.

Its the strangest feeling to know that everything you depend on for your livelihood can be gone in the course of one single meeting.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I relapsed

and i thought i was doing so well. Another friend is pregnant. I hate that i cant be pregnant for another 3 months. I have to wait for more test results. I just want my baby. I hate that i was excited for her but angry because under the excitement was such a burn of jealousy. Im so damn jealous. And i dont know how to stop it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

And so with much celebration and ado...

we disposed of the high chair. Our little princess has decided she doesn't want to sit in it anymore. She is quite adamant about this. Resounding calls of "Nooooooo Mummy Noooooo.." can be heard throughout the neighbourhood when we so much as hint that she might, soon, have to place her little backside on that chair.

For those who don't know, we have been having lots of trouble getting Lucy to eat. So we sat down and decided blow it, if she doesn't want to sit in the chair we will go get her a little table and chair of her own, and she can eat there.

One trip to Ikea later, and we have our table and chairs. We also have a funky Trofast storage system for all her craft junk (we have LOTS of that!) and some funky new plates and cutlery for her to eat off & with respectively. At this point I'll buy her a freaking pony if she eats more than one mouthful of pumpkin at dinner. Throw in some Tupperware like containers and a pair of exhausted parents and taadaa... our dining room has been transformed to yet another domain for Lucy.

There is only 2 room in the house now that dont have her stuff in it, the toilet (give it 2 months before we start toilet training...) and our room. She has tried on numerous occasions to claim ours as her own...... i believe this stops once they move out!?

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Thankyou for your concern

and yes i was a touch dramatic in my last post. I just get so frustrated waiting for people to take me seriously. But to elaborate, Lucy is not about to drop off, she is relatively healthy right now. Its just the waiting, and knowing SOMETHING is wrong, but its going to take months to find out what that drives me insane.

My little girl is precious to me, and as a result i lose it a little. :)

Sorry if i have alarmed anyone!