Saturday, May 30, 2009

With an oink oink here...

Swine flu is upon us. The dreaded lurgy has reached our shores, and although Lucy has by no means come into contact with "swine flu", at this point in time i sure do think it would be nice if she had it.

Don't get me wrong! I don't want my daughter to be sick, possibly dying. But the fact is that she IS sick. Still. She's been sick for 2 weeks now, we've seen 3 doctors who have all told us its Viral. Except that shes not getting better. She has progressively gotten worse, and still we're told its Viral. The good thing about Swine Flu is that its FAMOUS! It has a name, and doctors are currently snowed under diagnosing it. I just wish they'd put some of that effort they are expending diagnosing swine flu, into diagnosing Lucy.

I understand that she's only 2, and we don't want to put her on antibiotics if we don't have to. But surely, after 2 weeks without improvement, we can rule out a mere virus?

I'm so tired of her being sick. My usually happy, healthy toddler has disappeared. And I really think that if your job is to diagnose medical illness's, then you should listen to parents and actually DO IT.

If she's not better or at least improving in the next couple of days I'm taking her to the hospital. I'm done with letting doctors make her suffer. If I was as sick as she is, I'd take a cold and flu tablet at the very least, Lucy gets told to sleep and drink water.

Yeah, I don't think It's good enough any more.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Sometimes I forget

that not everyone who has a blog is as honest as me. For me, its my life, and I blog openly and honestly about it. But sometimes I forget that other people don't do that.

I don't by any stretch of the imagination blog about EVERYTHING that happens in my life. I really don't. Its more just my thoughts, and thing that have been happening in my life. I would never blog about the more personal struggles myself and Matt have had through our relationship. THAT is private. Other things about my family are private. Things about my friends are private. I dont blog that. There are boundaries.

Still, it's crushing for me to learn that someone who's blog i read on a regualar basis, seems to blog a fair bit of only one single part of her life, as oposed to all of it. I only learned the truth about her by default, when her link to her page went weird and let me access things i should NEVER have been able to see linked into her page. But the fact is, that it did happen. And now I know, that this life that i've been reading about, is more fiction than fact.

I have emailed the person regarding this, if anything, just to say be careful, playing with fire often causes more than the burns you can see on the outside.

I'm not hurt, just a little disapointed. Its been a sobering reminder.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

When it rains, It Pours

really is a useless saying to hear. Except that I've been hearing it for HOURS NOW. Remember that rain I was talking about. The rain of the Pouring, Bucketing down variety? Well it flooded the house. The entire downstairs was ankle deep and floating. My sister had to go out today and spend 450 dollars replacing all her lost makeup, hair dryer & straightener, her Heater and other lovely things that apparently MUD and WATER do not go all that well with. (Plus side? Single handedly fixing the economy!)

The carpets are still squelchy, even after 5 goings-over with a super sucker carpet dryer thing, and fans for 24 hours. The problem? The water has leached RIGHT DOWN into to concrete foundations (apparently they weren't sealed back god-knows-when) and so each time the carpet seems to be drying, it sucks up water from WAAAY DOWN DEEP and they get all wet and smelly and squelchy again. Long term, they need to be replaced.

As might a lot of audiovisual equipment from the home theatre, and a few walls and bits that are looking a bit swollen.

If it never rains again, on my house -IT.WILL.BE.TOO.SOON.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Its been raining here

for 2 entire days. That might not sound like much but when i say it's been raining i actually mean type rain for TWO WHOLE DAYS.

Its a lovely day today - if your a duck. Or a fish. If you happen to be a land dwelling creature without webbed feet and a need to leave the relative dryness of your house, then you are essentially, screwed.

Three major roads out of my suburb were closed this morning due to flooding. 2 Other major roads aren't looking good for the return trip this afternoon.

I like the rain. I like listening to it while I'm lying in my bed, I like watching it with Lucy, I've even been known to jump in the occasional puddle just because I can.

But i HATE driving in the rain. I hate the crazies that come out to play when the roads get a little wet. And i hate working when its raining. Wet weather is only good for SLEEPING in. Which is what I'd rather be doing today.

Its meant to rain until Sunday.

Did I mention that today is Wednesday?


Monday, May 18, 2009

Making the change

from Fat to thin (or thinner!) AND from Lizards to Building Futures.

Perhaps i should explain.

I'm fat. Its really quite simple, I'm overweight and I know it. I know why I'm fat. I'm an emotional eater. When something gets me upset i hit the food BIG TIME.

It would be safe to assume that my miscarriages make me emotional. I've had four of them. So in a space of 3.5 years, 4 miscarriages means A LOT of chocolate consumed, and a fair whack of chips and coke to wash it down. It also means that in 3.5 years I've gained about 50 kilos extra. A LOT of weight that I should not be carrying around! Granted about 20 of those 50 kilos are from my pregnancy with Lucy. But i still should have lost that weight by now. And I still haven't.

So I'm doing something about it. Hopefully, in a few months, I'll be feeling thinner!

SECONDLY, the change from Lizards to Building Futures.

Lucy has a new kindy. We pulled her out of her old one due to a few BIG ISSUES. (Big issues can be knows as, Illegal funds transfer of money out of our account, Leaving Lucy in Winter clothes on a 32 degree day, Letting Lucy rub sunscreen in her eyes and not bothering to wash them out resulting in swollen eyes, and infection setting in, and a few other wonderful events.) While i can accept, having worked in childcare, that sometimes things do go wrong, and sometimes people make mistakes, what I CAN'T accept is that my daughter is no longer someone Else's priority. That she is being left to her own devices for massive portions of the day, despite us paying a high sum of money to the centre to ensure she gets the best care available.

So *waving* Goodbye Lizards Childcare and *waving* Hello Building Futures Montessori.

The Montessori method, is something i believe in for childcare. And i KNOW my Lucy will thrive there. And better still, she will be a priority for the staff.

She deserves nothing less.

Monday, May 11, 2009

And all of those 2 little ducks came back they aren't ducks. "They" are my husband Matt and my daughter Lucy, who found themselves back in Brisbane airport somewhere around 7 pm last night. At which gate I'm not entirely sure, because i was waiting at gate 24, and they were quite assuredly not there. I know this because after looking at the "landed" sign on the arrivals board for a good 15 minutes not a single.person.came.out.

And i looked like a moron.

I did find them eventually, and it was VERY exciting to see them again. Lucy looks so, well, different! In a week she has changed more than i would have ever expected. A week is a very long time when you're 2. Its an even longer time when you're the mummy of a 2 year old who is 500 kilometres away from you for the first time ever.

I did miss them. I enjoyed my time off, but my family is everything to me, and I'm very happy they are home.

Now if you'll excuse me, i have to go and clean the house.


Saturday, May 9, 2009

When mothers day comes

and you're meant to be a mother, but for whatever reason you're not, It hurts. It hurts to look at all the people who have their children with them. The family picnics, the happy families in the park.

Being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world for me. I ADORE my daughter. I love her with every single piece of me, and i love all of her. Right down to the occasional toddler tantrums, and the dirty nappies, I love her. She is special. And she is mine.

We've lost 4 babies. That's a lot of lost promises, and lot of lost futures, and a lot of lost love. Its also a lot of tears, particularly on a day like mothers day, when the entire concept (beyond the commercialised gift buying) it to CELEBRATE your mum. I got to celebrate my mum. But I wasn't celebrated. And that was hard to take.

This is my third mothers day. And I'm excited. Not for the presents, or the well wishes, or the idea of getting a "special" day. I'm excited because i have Lucy, who loves me. I have a child to love. I have a reason, to be celebrated on such a day.

To the should-be mothers out there, the ones who have lost their children whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or illness, you're in my heart. Because although i have Lucy to celebrate me this year, i too, know the ache, of being a "should-have-been" mother.

And It's hard to take.


Friday, May 8, 2009

you know when someone does something

that just totally humbles you? And sometimes, makes you cry?

I've had 3 moments like that in the past 6 months.

#1. My dearest, most loved friends, Lisa and Dan told me they were having a baby. Before they told anyone else, they told me, not 24 hours after they found out.

#2. My dearest, most loved friends, Lisa and Dan asked me to be there with them, when their beautiful baby girl is born in July.

#3. Another very dear friend has mentioned to me that she would like me and Matt to become, eventually, godparents to her daughter Willow (who is 6 months old and possibly one of the cutest babies on the planet!)

The past 6 months has been ALL. ABOUT. BABIES for everyone i know and love. And you know what, its exciting! Despite all the sadness that i've had to endure, with the loss of our babies, i am SO EXCITED about everyone elses.

I wont lie, there is always a tinge of jealousy, but one day, it will be my turn. For now, im just so incredibly honoured by my amazing friends that they love me, and respect me, and care enough about me, to invite me into these amazing times in their lives. And i love each and every one of them for it.


And i think to myself

what a wonderful WEEEEEEEK!!! (Sorry, just slaughtered a song there, i know its meant to be "world"). ahem.

I have had, a great week. Apart from a little hiccup at work at the beginning of the week where i had a migraine and my left wrist was so sore from RSI that i could barely type. Details Details.

Being home alone is great. I'm glad i don't live alone, or id probably never get out of bed apart from going to work. Its just to easy to be comfy and relaxed. I have nothing to do and its GREAT! I just woke up and hey presto the house is still spotless, as its been all week. I don't have to make anyone a snack. I don't have to change any nappies. I don't have to play with blocks or playdoh or even go outside if i don't want to. (In case you were wondering - I don't want to)

I still miss my family. But this week off thing is so incredible. Now i get why Matt likes travelling around for work, despite his protesting to the contrary.

Today i have a super exciting day of reading and sleeping ahead of me. I bought a new book last night, and can't wait to get stuck into it.

So off i go.

"what a wonderful weeeeek! " *cough cough*

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Some people sound sincerely shocked

when i tell them I'm not lonely. And its true. I'm not dying of loneliness. I'm not walking around the house wondering what to do with myself. I'm not crying myself to sleep. And I'm not seeking out others to keep me from being alone with my thoughts for a week.

I like myself. And I like my company. I've always been pretty good at amusing myself, and I'm never one to be bored at home. I like being at home! I'm a pure-bred home body.

Sure I miss my husband. I miss going to sleep with his arms around me, keeping me warm. I miss him kissing me goodnight, and I miss him waving goodbye with Lucy as i go to work in the morning.

I miss Lucy. Its the only time I've ever been away from Lucy, apart from short over night stints while Mum and Dad have had her. I miss her laughing at me, i miss her cuddles. I miss her telling me that she loves me.

I miss my family. But i know they are happy. And safe, and having a wonderful time.

Loneliness happens when you lose something from your life, something that leaves a gap, a hole in your heart. My heart is as full as it's always been. I'm not lonely. I'm happy and contented.

I'm just home alone. There is a difference.