and you're meant to be a mother, but for whatever reason you're not, It hurts. It hurts to look at all the people who have their children with them. The family picnics, the happy families in the park.
Being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world for me. I ADORE my daughter. I love her with every single piece of me, and i love all of her. Right down to the occasional toddler tantrums, and the dirty nappies, I love her. She is special. And she is mine.
We've lost 4 babies. That's a lot of lost promises, and lot of lost futures, and a lot of lost love. Its also a lot of tears, particularly on a day like mothers day, when the entire concept (beyond the commercialised gift buying) it to CELEBRATE your mum. I got to celebrate my mum. But I wasn't celebrated. And that was hard to take.
This is my third mothers day. And I'm excited. Not for the presents, or the well wishes, or the idea of getting a "special" day. I'm excited because i have Lucy, who loves me. I have a child to love. I have a reason, to be celebrated on such a day.
To the should-be mothers out there, the ones who have lost their children whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or illness, you're in my heart. Because although i have Lucy to celebrate me this year, i too, know the ache, of being a "should-have-been" mother.
And It's hard to take.