Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I reserve the right to change my choice

to "uber bitch". I seem to have forgotten when i wrote this that i vowed, to change my ways.

Applogies to my wonderful husband, im feeling a tad sheepish now. xo

Monday, April 27, 2009

to me, there is nothing more exciting

than the sound of dishes being washed in the kitchen, when I'm in a whole different room.

*sigh* Its a start i guess. xo

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Tag Team Parenting

is a fantastic theory. So is "fair division of labour" and doing everything "50/50". Somehow, in my house - it doesn't happen.

I accept that i work only 4 days out of 7 and am therefore home more often than Matt, and need to cover more of the domestic cleaning chores. I do get that, its always been that way, and I've always done it. I just wish, that every now and then, it wasn't completely futile.

Thursday is my cleaning day and I spend the whole day cleaning the house. My list looks like this

- Clean Lucy's room - change her sheets, dust her shelves and vacuum her carpet
- Clean our room - fold the washing, put away, change our sheets, make our bed and Vacuum the carpet.
- Clean study - file away documents, wipe down computer desks,Vacuum carpet and put away lost toys from Lucy's room / playroom
- Clean toilet and mop floor
- Clean bathroom, bath, tiles, shower, basin and mop floor. Put out fresh towels, and bathmat
- Clean lounge room, put all Lucy's toys away in playroom or her room, DVDs back in cases and on the shelves, clean junk off coffee table and buffet unit, Vacuum lounge and hallway areas.
- Clean kitchen, clean off appliances and put away, wash dishes, unload dishwasher, wipe benches and cupboards down, clean sink, sweep and mop tiles.
-Clean Dining area - remove junk from bench area, wipe down bench and table, take out recycling, sweep and mop floor
- Playroom - shake out rug, sweep floor, put all toys away, mop floor
-Laundry - do the washing, dry the washing, put away the washing
-Bins - Wash and disinfect
-Clean out and re-stock fridge
- Write grocery list
-Bang head against wall and cry a little because in a few hours Matt will be home, and my house will be trashed again.

While I'm doing this,( cleaning not head banging!) Lucy is playing quietly, maybe watching some Dora. If i turn on the music, then she dances along behind me "helping"

Its not that challenging to clean the house with Lucy up and active. Its something she's always seen me do, and so now, she helps me out. Once its all done, then we can play. We always have lunch together, and read a story before she goes down for a nap. Then she goes to sleep, and i continue cleaning.

I don't get a break on a Thursday. I'm at it all day before Matt comes home and then we go out for dinner at the shops and have a wander around and get groceries. Im not at work, but I'm certainly not at home sitting around enjoying my day off work.

Routine right? In one day, i achieve A LOT, so that when the weekend comes, the house is tidy, and everything is neat and ready to go so we can relax - right?

WRONG. So very wrong. I manage to get my part done. Every single week, i clean the house spotless. I collapse into bed (on clean sheets mind you!) exhausted and happy because its done, and i don't have to do it again for a few more days.

Until the next night when Matt comes home, and leaves stuff all over the house. And glasses on the coffee table. Towels on the bathroom floor. Food in the kitchen. And bag in the lounge room. And clothes in the hallway. Shoes in the doorway.

Then he asks what i want him to do on Saturday while I'm at work and he's at home with Lucy.

Last week i gave him a list.

-Do the washing
-Fold and put away the washing
-Pick up a few things from COLES
- Get a haircut (this was up to him)
- Tidy the study.

That was it. All he had to do, in an entire day, apart from watching Lucy, was that.

He folded one basket of washing, (that i had done on the Thursday) out of 4.
He left it all on top of the drawers.
He didn't even START the washing, its still waiting for him
Admittedly he tidied the study.
I went to coles after work.

Apparently, its because 'he's looking after Lucy".

Ya' know what - I also, "look after Lucy" so one of things is being said.

A. I don't look after her properly, which is why I can get the house so clean - I'm clearly neglecting her.
B. I am just a super freak, and my husband (who i love and adore) is normal.
C. My husband, has no idea just how much i DO do around here, and until i stop doing it won't quite get the point.
D. I am an uber bitch and need to get a grip.

Personally, I'm going with letter C. So today, I'm cleaning the house.

And next week. I'm going on strike.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My daughter lights up my life

and has done from the moment she was born into this world. I tried so hard to have her, we lost 3 beautiful babies in our quest to have her. By the time i was pregnant with Lucy i just figured that it wouldn't happen, that I'd lose her too. Up until i was 30 weeks pregnant I was waiting for her to die. I was negative, hurting, and completely terrified. I looked at pregnant people around me, the ones who were glowing, and happy, and was jealous. I. WAS. SO. SCARED.

and then i had her in my arms, and everything seemed OK. We had our gorgeous baby girl. Sure i was tired, and feeling a bit detached, but really, after 19 hours of labour, 48 hours of no sleep and no food in almost as long, who could blame me right?

We took our precious girl home. At home, we muddled through the first few days, working hard to get Lucy to recognise night time for sleeping and day time for waking. It took a week, but we did it. Together.

And then they turned off my happy hormones. I don't know who "THEY" are exactly, but I know that one second i was holding my tiny week old daughter, and the next i put her in the bassinet and walked away practically hysterical.

In an instant, all that i had achieved, all the love that i felt for this tiny being evaporated into thin air. And i was horrified. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe that this had happened to me so quick. Or that it had happened to me in general. I had wanted her so badly, tried so hard, cried so many tears on the road to holding my beautiful baby. And now, i couldn't even look at her.

Depression kicked in mighty fast. And i had NO idea what to do about it. Or that what i was feeling was depression. I was the dark shadow in a room of love and sunshine. I faked my way through the first 6 months. I knew i would never hurt my baby. But it scared me to know that while i would never hurt her, i could feel so detached, and so separated. When i was still pregnant with Lucy i heard this awful story on Oprah about a man who was depressed and killed his twin daughters. They interviewed him and he said that he couldn't even remember doing it, but that he remembered coming out of this trance like state and seeing, with his own eyes, how devastatingly his mind and body had betrayed him, and his beautiful family

I WAS TERRIFIED that it would happen to me.

Only recently, it occured to me, that i had suffered from Post Natal Depression. I looked it up in books a few times when Lucy was tiny, but really, I didn't recognise the symptoms as things i was displaying. I wasn't sleeping all day, i didn't lose my appetite, i wasn't moody or showing signs of weight loss or gain. I thought that this was my problem when I first started to feel strange with Lucy. I looked it up, and discounted it.

This is probably the hardest entry I've ever written in my life. My own husband has no idea, that i EVER felt like this, nor that i went through it. I love my daughter. Lucy is the light of my life, and i honestly believe, that I'm past the depression. Every now and then, i have a bad day, like everyone. But I'm no longer depressed.

I feel like i cheated Lucy. My own inability to love her as i should have, my inability to seek help for my emotional detachment from her, has left me regretting much of her early days, because i simply didn't enjoy it in the way i feel i should and could have.

Today, we are a happy, loving family. Lucy is a well adjusted 2 year old, and I'm truly happy again. But its taken me 2 years to realise that when we have our next baby, I will need to have a counsellor on hand. I'm not prepared to spend another 2 years feeling distanced from someone i love and treasure so deeply. And my next step - is to tell my husband.

Friday, April 17, 2009

We tried to make it easier

but really, coming onto the day your baby is due to come into this world, knowing that the baby will never have that chance can't be any easier despite trying to make it that way. Wednesday was a very sad day for us. We spent the day together, running errands, and just being with each other, but it was still a very sad day.

We released Balloons at 5pm (that was about the time i knew I'd lost her despite the doctors not confirming it until 11pm that night - 6.5 months ago so we figured it was fitting).

A green one for Sammy

And 4 big beautiful balloons for our precious babies.

They looked quite, interesting, floating down the beach. A couple got stuck briefly in trees, which Lucy thought was hilarious. It was in no way perfect, but it was something, and today, just like yesterday, and the day before, I'm clinging to the somethings, because otherwise, there is just nothing.

Monday, April 13, 2009

the bunny has been

the toddler is in a chocolate induced stupor and the mummy would REALLY like to go back to bed. Unfortunately the mess from the stuporfied toddler's 2nd birthday remains strewn around the house like a hurricane hit toyworld, and now its all mixed up with chocolate and various different easter related trinkets.

My relaxing holiday just go so much more stressful, and messier.

Happy Easter to you and yours. I pray its been a safe, happy and joyful one. xo

Sunday, April 12, 2009

An angel turned 2, and an angel slipped away.

Pray for this family, for surely, their hearts are breaking.


1 and 2 really dont look very different,

maybe its in my heart that i can see the difference, as opposed to in the photos. It doesn't look different. But it feels different.

Last Minutes Of 1 - taken at 11.58pm, 10th April 2009

First Minutes of 2 - taken at 11.00am 11th April 2009

It looks the same. But it feels, oh so different.

Friday, April 10, 2009

2 seems so much quicker

than 1 ever did. Maybe it can be put down to sheer and utter exhaustion in the first few weeks of having Lucy that made 1 seem to take forever to come around. But 2? 2 has come quickly. Far too quickly.

My baby is growing up. And while tomorrow, we celebrate her, in my heart, ill be mourning her sister, who should have come to join her in just 4 short days.

A day of utter happiness, tinged with such a deep sadness.

My baby is 2.
My baby is gone.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Holidays are generally pretty awesome

and generally VERY nessecary. We needed and earned our break this week, and it was so good to get away and do something different as a family. Of course, me being me, i always forget something, and this time i left Lucy's bedrail in Gladstone, 500Ks away from her bed. Not my proudest moment! But in the meantime, here are a few snaps from our big adventure.
Our gorgeous cabin - it was amazing. Ensuite, bathroom, double shower, chandeliar, 3 Air conditioners, Plasma TV's.. incredible.. NOT what we paid for, but they gave us a free upgrade. So great.
Lucy's "special" bowling shoes, hilarious! They were far too big, eventually we ditched them and went right back to her sandles for her own safety's sake!

Swimming - the water was COLD!

We had a wonderful trip. And we still have over a week before its back to the daily grind! :)