Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Applogies to my wonderful husband, im feeling a tad sheepish now. xo
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I accept that i work only 4 days out of 7 and am therefore home more often than Matt, and need to cover more of the domestic cleaning chores. I do get that, its always been that way, and I've always done it. I just wish, that every now and then, it wasn't completely futile.
Thursday is my cleaning day and I spend the whole day cleaning the house. My list looks like this
- Clean Lucy's room - change her sheets, dust her shelves and vacuum her carpet
- Clean our room - fold the washing, put away, change our sheets, make our bed and Vacuum the carpet.
- Clean study - file away documents, wipe down computer desks,Vacuum carpet and put away lost toys from Lucy's room / playroom
- Clean toilet and mop floor
- Clean bathroom, bath, tiles, shower, basin and mop floor. Put out fresh towels, and bathmat
- Clean lounge room, put all Lucy's toys away in playroom or her room, DVDs back in cases and on the shelves, clean junk off coffee table and buffet unit, Vacuum lounge and hallway areas.
- Clean kitchen, clean off appliances and put away, wash dishes, unload dishwasher, wipe benches and cupboards down, clean sink, sweep and mop tiles.
-Clean Dining area - remove junk from bench area, wipe down bench and table, take out recycling, sweep and mop floor
- Playroom - shake out rug, sweep floor, put all toys away, mop floor
-Laundry - do the washing, dry the washing, put away the washing
-Bins - Wash and disinfect
-Clean out and re-stock fridge
- Write grocery list
-Bang head against wall and cry a little because in a few hours Matt will be home, and my house will be trashed again.
While I'm doing this,( cleaning not head banging!) Lucy is playing quietly, maybe watching some Dora. If i turn on the music, then she dances along behind me "helping"
Its not that challenging to clean the house with Lucy up and active. Its something she's always seen me do, and so now, she helps me out. Once its all done, then we can play. We always have lunch together, and read a story before she goes down for a nap. Then she goes to sleep, and i continue cleaning.
I don't get a break on a Thursday. I'm at it all day before Matt comes home and then we go out for dinner at the shops and have a wander around and get groceries. Im not at work, but I'm certainly not at home sitting around enjoying my day off work.
Routine right? In one day, i achieve A LOT, so that when the weekend comes, the house is tidy, and everything is neat and ready to go so we can relax - right?
WRONG. So very wrong. I manage to get my part done. Every single week, i clean the house spotless. I collapse into bed (on clean sheets mind you!) exhausted and happy because its done, and i don't have to do it again for a few more days.
Until the next night when Matt comes home, and leaves stuff all over the house. And glasses on the coffee table. Towels on the bathroom floor. Food in the kitchen. And bag in the lounge room. And clothes in the hallway. Shoes in the doorway.
Then he asks what i want him to do on Saturday while I'm at work and he's at home with Lucy.
Last week i gave him a list.
-Do the washing
-Fold and put away the washing
-Pick up a few things from COLES
- Get a haircut (this was up to him)
- Tidy the study.
That was it. All he had to do, in an entire day, apart from watching Lucy, was that.
He folded one basket of washing, (that i had done on the Thursday) out of 4.
He left it all on top of the drawers.
He didn't even START the washing, its still waiting for him
Admittedly he tidied the study.
I went to coles after work.
Apparently, its because 'he's looking after Lucy".
Ya' know what - I also, "look after Lucy" so one of things is being said.
A. I don't look after her properly, which is why I can get the house so clean - I'm clearly neglecting her.
B. I am just a super freak, and my husband (who i love and adore) is normal.
C. My husband, has no idea just how much i DO do around here, and until i stop doing it won't quite get the point.
D. I am an uber bitch and need to get a grip.
Personally, I'm going with letter C. So today, I'm cleaning the house.
And next week. I'm going on strike.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
and then i had her in my arms, and everything seemed OK. We had our gorgeous baby girl. Sure i was tired, and feeling a bit detached, but really, after 19 hours of labour, 48 hours of no sleep and no food in almost as long, who could blame me right?
We took our precious girl home. At home, we muddled through the first few days, working hard to get Lucy to recognise night time for sleeping and day time for waking. It took a week, but we did it. Together.
And then they turned off my happy hormones. I don't know who "THEY" are exactly, but I know that one second i was holding my tiny week old daughter, and the next i put her in the bassinet and walked away practically hysterical.
In an instant, all that i had achieved, all the love that i felt for this tiny being evaporated into thin air. And i was horrified. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe that this had happened to me so quick. Or that it had happened to me in general. I had wanted her so badly, tried so hard, cried so many tears on the road to holding my beautiful baby. And now, i couldn't even look at her.
Depression kicked in mighty fast. And i had NO idea what to do about it. Or that what i was feeling was depression. I was the dark shadow in a room of love and sunshine. I faked my way through the first 6 months. I knew i would never hurt my baby. But it scared me to know that while i would never hurt her, i could feel so detached, and so separated. When i was still pregnant with Lucy i heard this awful story on Oprah about a man who was depressed and killed his twin daughters. They interviewed him and he said that he couldn't even remember doing it, but that he remembered coming out of this trance like state and seeing, with his own eyes, how devastatingly his mind and body had betrayed him, and his beautiful family
I WAS TERRIFIED that it would happen to me.
Only recently, it occured to me, that i had suffered from Post Natal Depression. I looked it up in books a few times when Lucy was tiny, but really, I didn't recognise the symptoms as things i was displaying. I wasn't sleeping all day, i didn't lose my appetite, i wasn't moody or showing signs of weight loss or gain. I thought that this was my problem when I first started to feel strange with Lucy. I looked it up, and discounted it.
This is probably the hardest entry I've ever written in my life. My own husband has no idea, that i EVER felt like this, nor that i went through it. I love my daughter. Lucy is the light of my life, and i honestly believe, that I'm past the depression. Every now and then, i have a bad day, like everyone. But I'm no longer depressed.
I feel like i cheated Lucy. My own inability to love her as i should have, my inability to seek help for my emotional detachment from her, has left me regretting much of her early days, because i simply didn't enjoy it in the way i feel i should and could have.
Today, we are a happy, loving family. Lucy is a well adjusted 2 year old, and I'm truly happy again. But its taken me 2 years to realise that when we have our next baby, I will need to have a counsellor on hand. I'm not prepared to spend another 2 years feeling distanced from someone i love and treasure so deeply. And my next step - is to tell my husband.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
My relaxing holiday just go so much more stressful, and messier.
Happy Easter to you and yours. I pray its been a safe, happy and joyful one. xo
Sunday, April 12, 2009
First Minutes of 2 - taken at 11.00am 11th April 2009
It looks the same. But it feels, oh so different.
Friday, April 10, 2009
My baby is growing up. And while tomorrow, we celebrate her, in my heart, ill be mourning her sister, who should have come to join her in just 4 short days.
A day of utter happiness, tinged with such a deep sadness.
My baby is 2.
My baby is gone.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Swimming - the water was COLD!
We had a wonderful trip. And we still have over a week before its back to the daily grind! :)