I think I slept

with one eye open last night, just waiting for Lucy to arrive.

And she never did. Woohoo the kid stayed in her bed all night - thankgod because the lack of sleep thing was really starting to kill me! I still had to go through at 4am when she started calling me wanting a drink but hell, that I can handle!

In other news, Matt goes back to work tomorrow. To say we're both sad about this is an understatement! I'm really going to miss having him around all the time. It's also sort of sad because Matt going back to work signifies that we really are moving on with our lives, moving forwards without Ariana. That is a bit hard for me to deal with today, while we've been gradually moving forward for 5 weeks now, Matt going back to work is a giant step in that direction. And It's daunting for me. I already have some days where I don't think about her. I feel guilty for that but it is the truth. Like i've said before, being a family of three has been normal for so long that there are days, she just slips my mind. I wish I could say she was on my mind all the time, and sometimes I think that might make me feel better about myself. Perhaps less guilty.

But other times, I just think that might make it hurt more. And I don't know that I want to feel that hurt more regularly, just to fit in with my pre-concieved ideas of how I "should" be feeling while i grieve.

I don't know. Some days. I just don't know.