Sunday, February 14, 2010

I think I slept

with one eye open last night, just waiting for Lucy to arrive.

And she never did. Woohoo the kid stayed in her bed all night - thankgod because the lack of sleep thing was really starting to kill me! I still had to go through at 4am when she started calling me wanting a drink but hell, that I can handle!

In other news, Matt goes back to work tomorrow. To say we're both sad about this is an understatement! I'm really going to miss having him around all the time. It's also sort of sad because Matt going back to work signifies that we really are moving on with our lives, moving forwards without Ariana. That is a bit hard for me to deal with today, while we've been gradually moving forward for 5 weeks now, Matt going back to work is a giant step in that direction. And It's daunting for me. I already have some days where I don't think about her. I feel guilty for that but it is the truth. Like i've said before, being a family of three has been normal for so long that there are days, she just slips my mind. I wish I could say she was on my mind all the time, and sometimes I think that might make me feel better about myself. Perhaps less guilty.

But other times, I just think that might make it hurt more. And I don't know that I want to feel that hurt more regularly, just to fit in with my pre-concieved ideas of how I "should" be feeling while i grieve.

I don't know. Some days. I just don't know.

2 comments:

Mum2five said...

Scrap the pre-concieved ideas, everyone is different. Just because Ariana isn't at the forefront of your mind all the time does not mean in anyway that you've forgotten her even for a second. If she was the only thing you ever thought about then it would be impossible for you to do what you promised.... Keep living!!! Come over for lunch tomorrow, oh buggit it all of next week =) it might just make the transition a bit easier for both of you! You know where I am xo

Titanium said...

There's no instruction manual for how to re-assemble life. You are writing this chapter, moment by moment, as you go.

My heart is with you.