of a good day, is when you meet an old friend for coffee at 9.30 in the morning, and don't leave until 4.30 that afternoon.
THAT is a sign of a good day. Apparently, we had a lot to catch up on. And, amazingly, I feel very good about it.
Decompressing was good, I didn't realise how much I needed to vent, to say things that I haven't been saying, to anyone, the things I haven't even been saying to myself.
I've been a mess these past few weeks. I didn't quite realise how much of a mess I had become, until talking to someone who has the training, and life experience to deal with my train wreck! She helped to to get perspective. It showed me that despite how much everyone else has been telling me that It's ok, that what I see, think and feel, is Ok, It really is Ok.
*gasp* Yes people, someone finally go through to me!
Now onwards and upwards to a happier, better me.
It's been a good day.
5 comments:
That's great to hear!
(Long time follower, first time at commenting)
i'm glad to hear all went fun :) x
*like*
good for you babe!! :)
I'm so glad to read this; I've been so worried that you've been pushing yourself to get on with things and been feeling guilty about being angry.
What you have been through over the last year is so awful that I struggle to find adequate words to do it justice. Your suffering and eventual loss was so enormous and so prolonged, and it needs to be acknowledged by everybody who either witnessed it first hand or knew about it. And it came after all of those previous losses you suffered, and all of those people who minimised those losses and the pain you felt. I honestly do not know how you got through it all, let alone managed to find the time for other people. As I said earlier, I know that Angels walk amongst us and I know that you are one.
And all of the feelings you have now are valid. It is okay to say, "This week, I am angry and I can't talk to anyone or support anyone else. I don't want to open my back door. I don't want to leave the house. I have nothing left to give other people. I want to go back to a time before Ariana was sick. I want my two girls. I don't want this life, this life that I never asked for and never wanted, forced upon me. I want things to be the way they were".
I know that things will never be the way they were, and you are stumbling around trying to find the 'new normal'. But it is perfectly natural to be angry about that and to hate the universe for that. You didn't ask for this. It was completely beyond your control. Your anger and grief and search for the 'new normal' should not have a time limit imposed upon it by anybody. NOBODY else truly knows how terrible it was, and NOBODY else has any right to pass judgment or tell you how you should feel now, or when you should go back to work, or when you should open that back door.
Your true friends (myself included, even though we've only met in Cyberspace) love you and accept you regardless of how you are feeling, regardless of how much (if anything) you have in reserve for other people, regardless of where you are on any given day in the grieving process. I know I will never be able to truly comprehend your experience, and because of that I will never truly understand how you feel, but I can say to you that NO MATTER WHAT, I accept you as you are and love the person that you are. I acknowledge your feelings as valid, and it is okay to feel however you happen to feel on any given day. Your friends are your friends NO MATTER WHAT.
A truly Good day, Tam.
I am so very, very happy to know that you are being heard, that someone is physically and tangibly listening, caring, supporting and Being there WITH you.
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