Thursday, April 8, 2010

So, Easter,

yeah, that's THIS post. It's the post I've been avoiding, dodging if you will. I don't want to face it, talk about it, or deal with it. Even though it's come and gone, I still don't want to actually acknowledge the fact that we had a BIG.DAY. Without our daughter, without our child, who easter should have been all about this year. Of course it was all about Lucy as well, but it should have been the big FIRST for Ariana.

The first without her.

The day did not go well. Not for me anyway. If I'm honest with myself, I hated it. Every measly second. Even while my smile was pasted on my face, even while i ran, chasing Lucy on the Easter egg hunt, even while we oohed and aahed over the easter bunnies gifts, and those from family and friends, I hated it.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I was so sad on a day that is supposed to be filled with joy. I hate that by mid afternoon I was in tears, desperately trying to be happy for my daughter. I hate that by that night I needed a drink.

I never need a drink. Needing a drink worries me, It's not how I deal with things. It's why I came home from hospital without pain meds, without sleeping tables, without drugs to alter, or enhance my mood. It's because I know I can get addicted. Easily.

Even in the "dead baby haze", I knew enough about myself to refuse offers of tablets to get me through. I knew I needed to face things head on. Yet, that night, I turned to alcohol.

I feel like I let myself down. Like I failed, myself and my family. Especially my daughters, both of them.

Easter was awful. I hope I never have another "special" day as miserable as that one ended up being.

For everyone's sake.


Ree said...

Unfortunately, you will have more special days where you'll feel like this chick. And when you have those special days when you don't feel like this, you'll feel guilty for feeling happy or not sad because you feel as though you're betraying Ariana for feeling so happy when she's not there. Thats the one thing I can promise, but it does get easier over time.

There's a saying that I particularly like "Time heals all wounds but steady daily routine makes a good bandage". Hang in there.

Catherine Clements said...

You have not let anyone down. You have not failed anyone. I cannot stress that enough.

You fought valiantly for months for Ariana. And somehow you managed, and are still managing, to care for Lucy. In many ways, you supported your extended family through that time even though you really needed an army of people to care for YOU.

I know that you have some regrets about things that have happened in the past, but the measure of your character is in how you reacted when the chips were really down. The truth is that when you had a sick baby and you had to step up to the plate, you didn't just step up. You showed your true colours and hit a home run. When the going really got tough, you swung that bat and really got going. That is the only Tam that matters to me. That is the only Tam that should matter to anyone.

You must never beat yourself up about the bad days. You are doing the best you can, and it's better than I or most other people could do in the same circumstances. You are doing such a good job with Lucy. You are finding your way, even though a lot of the time it doesn't feel that way. You are doing the best you can, and it is enough.

Anonymous said...

you definitely cant be faulted for needing a drink every now and again to get you through, its when you need that drink to get you by daily ( we wen't through that, remember?) Among you awesome and stable friends, i'd like to say i'm available to chat both day and night. and i don't go gossiping and spreading it about (no thats not a go at anyone...)
You'll get by, and you're not expected to get up, dust yourself off and be all happy and healed, that stuff you went through is tough, and needs a hell of a lot of time. Much more time than you're giving yourself Tam. Don't analyse, don't judge, you have both good and bad days, they'll come... just breathe and take them as they come