Tuesday, July 7, 2009


You know how the world keeps turning after you lose a baby? And how it seems so incredibly unfair, that while your heart is literally breaking into pieces, while your world is shattered, life continues on? Do you know that feeling? I don't mean through a friend, or a relative, I mean do YOU, PERSONALLY KNOW, the anguish, the heartache and the mind numbing pain?

Life is shit. It really is. And the most absurd cruelty of all is that even when you think, for a few seconds, that your OK, that maybe today, you can get out of bed and walk to the bathroom before the tears start to fall, you cant. Because every step you take reminds you of the beautiful amazing person your life is missing. Do you know that pain?

Because i know you don't.

So please, If i mention to you that my arms feel empty without my baby, who by all rights, right now should be 2 months old, Don't tell me of people who are worse off.

I don't want to hear that your sister has had 5 miscarriages and 2 still births. Its a tragedy for her, of course it is, but if I'm reaching out to you, its for comfort, or support. Telling me more devastating news, as though my dead baby is a competition piece, for you to create the "best" story will only make me hate you.

And the more I hate you, the more I will hate myself.

And don't you understand that I already hate myself for this? For my body's complete and utter inability to do what is such a natural, normal thing?

I hate myself for my weaknesses.

I hate you for making them trivial.

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