There's a Dancing Bean

in my belly, and it tickles. But that's not what I'm posting about!

I had a god moved out and left the world in hell nightmare day at work. Honestly, It started out OK. I was a little apprehensive about going back after last week's shenanigans, but gritted my teeth and showed up.

It was going swimmingly for, oh, about half an hour.

The thing about me is I take my friendships super seriously. I really put one hundred percent into my friends, which is why I choose to have few close friends, as opposed to lots of not-so-close friends or acquaintances. I'm the kind of person who will do just about anything for anyone, and I do it without expecting much back. I do have high expectations of my friends, but no higher than the ones they have of me. And I protect my friends. I stick up for them, and try and stop them from being hurt.

I don't tell them gossip, that i KNOW will hurt them. And if someone talks to me about them, in a derogatory manor, I defend them! I'm not claiming to be a saint, but to the people I care about, I'm fiercely protective.

Its no secret that my body doesn't "do pregnant" all that well. In fact my body pretty much hates "pregnant". Frankly, there isn't much i can do to fix this. I take baby aspirin, and I rest, A LOT. I avoid caffeine and stress, and I try to do a small amount of exercise. But other than that, THERE.IS.NOTHING.I.CAN.DO.

So imagine, my complete and utter shock, and devastation when today, after the week we've just endured, a "friend" came to me and told me that another "friend" accused me of being a hypochondriac.

Yep. That's it. That's the word. Hypochondriac. "a person abnormally concerned about his or her health"

Now, I might be a real dunce here, but do you think, that maybe, after having four babies die. And coming close, twice, to losing this one in 8 short weeks, that I have a reason to worry about my health? To be concerned about what is happening to my body, and to take appropriate steps to lessen my stress levels, to stay well rested and to not carry heavy parcels around?

I could, easily, hurt someone.

I am pissed off. At the very small minded, stupid individual who suggested such a thing, the woman who is so clearly jealous of everything I have, everything that she desperately wants but isn't getting, but also the "friend" who, went out of their way, with a big grin on their face, to tell me, that someone is gossiping about me.

I'm furious with the person, who claiming to care about me, told me something that they knew, would hurt me so deeply, without so much as taking me into another room for privacy. The friend who then spent half the morning trying to convince me not to take it up with anyone "because she might get in trouble for gossiping", and instantly stopped caring about my hurt that she caused, to worry about herself again.

I don't give a flying rats arse if people talk about me. But to accuse me of fabricating my hurts and agonies with pregnancies, is akin to accusing me of lying about the existence of my babies.

Accusing me of that, is unforgivable. And pretending to be my "friend" while you sink that particular knife into my heart, in public, is, in my opinion, worse.

If you don't wanna hear bout my internal plumbing,

then I'd suggest hitting that [x] button in the top right hand of your screen. Yep.. that one up there. See it? Great.

Sooo. After all the optimistic, "I'm pregnant.. yay" style posts, we had a glitch. I don't know why I didn't see it coming, because, well, come on people this is me! There is always a glitch.

Tuesday morning, day four of the headache from hell, and no sleep, I dragged my sorry and ever expanding rear end into work. As soon as I got there, I knew, I just KNEW it was going to be a baaaaad day. (Not just a Bad Day, we can handle those, this was a baaaaaad day).

Sure enough, at about 9.30am, I started bleeding. Did the routine, inform the boss I'm leaving for the day, call hubby and then off up to the hospital to get myself and bean checked out.

Can I just say WOW the difference between going to hospital at 6 weeks pregnant and bleeding, and 14 weeks and bleeding?! I couldn't believe the change in attitudes. I was taken straight into emergency, and given a bed. Considering our waiting lists currently this is a miracle! It sure beat sitting in the corridor. Five minutes later, I've done a urine test and am just getting comfy in my hideous gown when I get referred elsewhere.

Holy smokes, I've been here fifteen minutes, and I'm up to level five (maternity) for tests! (Last time I came in I sat in the waiting room for emergency for 3 hours, was stuck in a hallway for another 2 hours without my husband, ignored for a further 3, and then finally seen to after i kicked up a fuss about waiting for 8 hours, bleeding and cramping, without so much as a blood pressure check).

The usual battery of tests, urine, blood, tummy check, quiz about medical history, medications and the ever dreaded speculum exam, and then off for an ultrasound. The entire process took about 5 hours to complete - including the return of bloods.

Our baby looks happy and healthy. But they noticed this thing, called an amnion, that hasn't fused to the uterus as yet.

After consulting Doctor Google once we got home (because somehow, the maternity doctors had no idea what it could mean), I discovered that commonly the amnion doesn't fuse until week 16. Being that I'm only 14 weeks pregnant, Its little cause for concern.

The problem with Doctor Google, and my complete lack of self control in using this "resource", is that it tells you all the things that you really shouldn't know so early in the game, and it doesn't tell you - "no stop reading now, you don't need to worry about such terrifying possibilities yet." It relies on common sense of the user, which when it comes to the health of my unborn child, All sense is lost.

The failure of the amnion to fuse to the uterus, can cause Amniotic Band Syndrome. This syndrome is where tiny string like pieces of the amniotic sac tear and wrap themselves around the developing baby, resulting in disfigurement, amputation, or death of the baby before, or after the birth.

See. I should have stoped reading.

I have another high resolution ultrasound booked for the 6th of October. I have an early pregnancy clinic visit scheduled (I think more for my mental health than anything else!) for this coming Monday. By the time I'm 18 weeks pregnant, I'll have had 6 ultrasounds of this baby. I don't do anything by half.

I want everything to be OK. And I want to never use Dr Google again. But, It's a self control thing. And as I have just demonstrated, I'm sorely lacking.

So like, have you heard

that I'm like, pregnant?

I still sort of can't really believe it. But seeing as we've sailed into the second trimester, Its looking very likely that in a few short months, we'll have a new baby.

And with that comes the fear. Not the fear of the baby, that bit I can't wait for, but you know, the bit about getting the baby OUT.

I'm not afraid of Labour. I managed labour just fine when i was going through it with Lucy. It was long no doubt, and it hurt like nothing I've ever felt before, but I handled it well, with a small dose few extra large tanks of gas, for support. I don't need people, I just need Gas.

But. Then. Came. The. Birth.

Mary mother of GOD. Without going into details that are sure to give the thickest skinned mother of one hundred children nightmares, I tore. BIG. TIME. And you know that thing they say in the hospital, about how the stitches will dissolve in a couple of weeks, and that you can manage the pain with paracetamol? And the little white lie about feeling much better "down there" in a few days? Apparently, that doesn't count if you've had third degree tearing. Of course, they don't tell you that, they smile, lie and send you home with a very tiny baby, and replica railway tracks across and area of your body that is so close to becoming public property that you wonder why you buy new clothes.

Eeeeeventually................... you heal. I know this. But there is this eetsy little chance that when your busily pushing out the next, and ultimately larger baby, that old wounds will...erm...re-open.

What are the chances of some brilliant scientist creating a much more evolved - less painful way, of women having babies, in the next five and a half months?

Finding myself breathless

because of EVERYTHING that's going on!

First we have doctors appointments. I swear, it feels like hundreds of them! I've been forking out an absolute fortune over recent weeks, I'm nearly 13 weeks pregnant, we found out at 5 weeks, and I've been to the doctor, as of tomorrow 6 times. And that's just for me. Not to mention the 5 different sets of blood tests and BSL's I've been having as well.

We had Lucy at the medical centre on Friday night (life around here is so exciting) with these weird lumps on her legs. Turns out, its viral. So they keep telling me. Also turns out they could take 3 - 6 months to go down. Goody. Hopefully, the cough will go away really soon. I don't know HOW I've managed not to catch it!

Matt has been a saint. The house pretty much is in a perpetual state of "trashed" due to my doctors orders that I'm to rest as much as possible. I do very minimal cleaning, or really, anything around here at the moment, so despite the mess, the hubby has been great at organising dinners, washing up and doing the washing. I know he's exhausted from taking on extra stuff around the house, but if we want a baby, then, that's the way it has to be.

We had a scan last week, it was very exciting to see Bean, however un -cooperative he/she was being.

We've decided we don't want to know the sex this time, but wow, I'm already finding my resolve is weakening. But come the day we get to meet them I'm sure the surprise will be lovely.

So far, i think that's about it from the family side of things. Work is chaotic at the moment, now that I'm having to squeeze my usual four days work into three days. Its good, it means I'm busy. But its bad, it means I'm busy ALL.THE. TIME. Some days, it would be nice to have a relaxed pace.

Now i have a hot date with a shower and my bed, since i can't seem to keep my eyes open past 8pm.

I totally one hundred percent am loving being pregnant.

Turns out i was terrified

but for no reason.

Absolutley one hundred percent pregnant.

Secrets out, and I'm so excited!

Countdown

and no i'm not reffering to that annoying video show on foxtel.

Not quite two days left. I don't know if i'm excited or terrified. Guess we'll find out!