Thursday, October 22, 2009

I've moved into Hell.

Yesterday, I was a normal, pregnant lady. Sure we had a few complications, but I was, essentially, pregnant, and normal. Like all the other pregnant women out there.

Today, I'm a wreck.

I want to be a normal pregnant lady again.

It feels like a dream. I feel like, It's not really happening. I don't know if that's a coping mechanism, but I don't know if I like it. I wish i felt numb. Because that would mean i was feeling something - anything. All I feel is disbelief, denial and regret. I just cannot believe it.

In one second, I think, I'm OK. I think to myself, there is no time to waste, we need to get this baby treated - call the hospital, do the amnio, do the transfusion. In the next second I'm thinking, maybe it will get better on its own. And then, in the next second I'm crying and praying that this isn't happening. I'm not ok. I'm about as not-ok as i can ever imagine being.

I'm so confused. As far as I can tell, there is only one, ONE thing, that this baby might have, that can still result in a perfect, normal, happy baby being born at full term. And that's Parvovirus B19. IF that's what Bean is suffering with, then a blood transfusion, in 90% of cases will fix him/her right up, and all will be right with the world once more.

However. That virus accounts for only ONE of SIX serious things we've been told can be causing the anemia.

I'm terrified. I want my baby, I want my baby so much. But I want my baby to be healthy, to be whole. I want my baby to live life, not to just exist in it. The thought of my baby being blind, deaf, with significant brain malformations terrifies me. I'm not strong enough to do this!

I'm not strong enough for all this. A person can only take so much, and I'm over my limit. I just want it over, all of it. If our baby wont live then please God, end it now. Because i swear, I'm half a step from a nervous breakdown and I just can't keep doing this. I can't.

1 comment:

Jacks Mom said...

Wow I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, Tam *many hugs*

I hope everything with little Beano turns out great and he or she is born and lives healthy!