Heartbreak

First I want to say that the downside of having a "public" blog, is that anyone can read it. Sounds kind of obvious doesn't it, but the point is, that whoever reads it, might also find themselves mentioned in it. I do my best to keep friends and families private lives private, and I try not to write anything that might offend or hurt. But even if I don't use people's REAL names, if your reading a story you recognise as your life, and It's in my blog, a fake name won't stop you knowing its all about you. I have to tread carefully, especially today, because what I'm about to write, is hard. It's painful, It's heartbreaking and It's not my story. But this is my blog, and despite it not being MY STORY, its affecting me right now. And that's why I write. To get things clear in my head.

I went to high school with a pretty ordinary bunch of people. Most of us got along, and life was fraught with the dramas of being a hormonal teenager in a regimented, strict, unbending school atmosphere. It was just school. It was normal. A week after I graduated high school, I was asked to interview for a role in a childcare centre as a trainee assistant. I was interviewed, immediately short listed and got a call three days later saying I'd gotten the job, to start on Monday.

I walked into my new job on the Monday, and walked smack bang into two girls I already knew - from School, we were all working together. It was nice to see a friendly face! For a year and a half, the three of us (and a bunch of other new staff) worked closely together at the centre, before one girl decided to move onto a different child care centre.

After that move, we sort of lost touch. We didn't really "hang out" together at school, and once she'd moved on, career wise, there seemed to be nothing left to talk about, so contact stoped.

Then came facebook. She added me, and I caught up on her life. Now married, with a beautiful daughter just two weeks older than Lucy and expecting her second child, due the day after my due date with Bean.

We laughed that our pregnancies were so similar. Same hospital, same sonographers, same doctors, same dates. We said we'd share a room, joked that it would be great to take a "real" shower after the birth of our babies, because we both know each other is great with kids, and could watch both babies at once. It was fun. It was nice to have someone else to be excited with.

The day we found out Bean was sick, was the most stunning day of my life. I literally went into shock. Shaking and crying and hyperventilating, I was horrified. Two days later we had our second, high risk obstetric appointment. Sitting in that waiting room, knowing that possibly today was the day they would tell us our baby was gone, was revolting. It really was. And then through the door, walked this girl and her husband. Her! The girl I went to school with. The girl I worked with for close to two years, The girl i was sharing my pregnancy joys and woes with, The girl who's baby was due just a day after mine, WALKED INTO THE CLINIC, sat down and said - "what are you doing here!!".

I was SO happy to see a friendly face, but SO worried about their baby. Surely we couldn't both be about to lose our precious children! We exchanged phone numbers, promising to keep each other in the loop, and went in for our separate appointments.

At the end of our scan, our Bean was stable. At the end of her scan, her baby's spine looked fine, but was measuring a little small, and she was referred for another scan in two weeks time to check out the baby's heart with a cardiologist - they suspected there was a hole.

Two weeks later, Our Bean was still stable, and their Baby had NO sign of a hole in her heart, and they were referred for another scan two weeks after to check the growth.

Again - Bean was relatively stable, although the blood flow had peaked at scary heights.

Their baby girl. Well I don't know. But I know its not good. I know this because when I messaged her last night, to ask how her most recent scan went - She said she wouldn't say. But she said she wishes us luck, and hopes it works out better for us than it did for them.

It may have happened last week, It may be happening today - but I can say, I'm certain, that this couple have lost their very much wanted baby girl.

I don't know why. I don't know what happened, and I'm not going to chase them down and ask all the questions that are going over and over in my head. I sent a text message back saying I was so sorry things hadn't gone better for them, and if they need anything, to call. But really, I don't expect to ever hear from her again. Not in the near future.

When you lose a baby, It's so HARD to see other happily, blissfully pregnant women. The thing that tied us together, after all these years of knowing each other was our babies. Our pregnancies. Once one of those babies has gone, a pregnancy has ended, the bond isn't there anymore. It just HURTS too much.

She was a part of my life, on and off, for 12 years. That's a long time to know someone, even as a casual friend. I hate that this has happened to them, to their baby. I hate that they are hurting so much. And I hate that, as good as my intentions might be, seeing me, won't help them. It's not fair on them.

Most of all, I just hate that again, someone has to lose a baby. To be a part of the statistic. I hope she knows how much she helped me, just by being in the waiting room that day to keep me sane. Sadly, I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to tell her how much.