Tuesday, November 17, 2009

massive waves of guilt

because, lets face it, I've been completely and utterly self absorbed the past few weeks.

One of my closest friends packed up her kids and left her partner. I had no idea. Why? Because I've been totally focused on my life and my family and my issues and its been all me, me, me.

I'm a shitty friend. The shittiest type of all at the moment.

I can't excuse my behaviour, or my total ignorance. I mean really, she packs up her two kids, four months before their wedding, and moved out. I didn't even know they were having problems. I was walking around totally clueless. And damn, don't i feel like the worst, most guilty friend ever. And before anyone tries to tell me maybe i wouldn't have known - If i had BEEN there like i should have, i totally would have known. Because she's one of my best friends. And she tells me that stuff.

I've managed to alienate some of the people who have supported me most in the past four weeks, completely without even realising I've been doing it. And nobody would say anything either, because they are all too sweet, amazing and lovely. And I'm the crummy friend who's just riding along on it.

Another friend said that her life feels trivial compared to mine. NO! I don't want my friends thinking their issues, their worries and problems are less important because of my behaviours and attitude. I used to be the friend people rang in the middle of the night to cry to, to ask for help. I used to be the friend that would drive to the moon and back in the middle of the night, just to hug someone when they needed it. And my friends used to be able to count on me for that. Nowadays, they don't even feel like they can tell me if something in their world has gone to shit, because I'm too busy moaning about myself.



Jan n Martyn said...

There is a season in all our lives. This is one for so many lessons which can grow you in a way that only God knows how. Now forgive yourself and be the true friend you sound like you have always been. Your friends get it I am sure.

jacks mommy said...

I have this habit as well. Sometimes when I go through something I talk my friend to death about it and then I realized he was going through things and not telling me .. maybe because I seemedmore fucked up or maybe like I just wouldn't care. I too felt guilty but just decided I'd lay off the bitching and make a point to ask more questions.

At least you realize what you may be doing wrong and that's good and shows you're not completely self centered. I say forgive yourself and be more open if you can help it!