Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Bean

Dear Bean,

23 weeks ago, I got out of bed, went for a shower and realised my boobs were sore. 23 weeks ago, I waited for your daddy to get into the shower, before digging out the last pregnancy test, and then taking it. 23 weeks ago, we finally, after 6 months of trying with ovulation kits, got our "pregnant" response. 23 weeks ago, i gave the pregnancy test (lid on of course!), to your big sister and told her to give the "special pen" to daddy when he got out of the shower.

The look on your daddy's face was amazing. I'll never forget it. He climbed straight back into bed with us and just cuddled us and laughed. I laughed too. I couldn't believe it finally had happened. Your sister Lucy just thought we were nuts, but we like to laugh in this house, so she joined in.

We've known about you for 23 weeks. But you've been there for 26. As selfish as it seems, I got my pregnancy to enjoy. I never got to enjoy being pregnant with your big sister. I was too scared of what might happen to ever sit back and really enjoy the time I spent with her before she arrived. But once she was born I realised what I had missed out on, and I wanted to experience that pregnancy where I could be just happy to be pregnant. To be carrying a baby inside me, while he or she grows and develops.

The first few weeks just flew by Bean. We didn't tell many people you were there, but those we did tell have been praying for you from the start. You have a lot of people on your team, more, maybe, than most people have in their entire lives. People from all over the world have been praying for you since the day we found out you were there. I think that's a very good thing, because with out those prayers, who knows what might have been. I'm quite sure however that you, my Bean, would not be kicking me in the ribs as i write to you.

The first time we thought we might lose you, was very early in the pregnancy. Just two weeks after we found out about you in fact. I spent a little bit of time in the hospital and we got to see you on an ultrasound. Truthfully, there was not much to see. You were just so tiny you looked like a shadow on the screen, but there, plain as day was your flickering heartbeat showing us you were in fact, hanging in there. At that point, I thought I'd never been so relieved! The doctor made me have all sorts of blood tests to keep an eye on you over the next three week, as well as referring me to have another ultrasound a little bit later, to make sure you were growing big and strong.

We had a lot of scares with you early on. By the time you had been growing for just 16 weeks, we had seen you on an ultrasound 7 times. Most mummy's and daddy's only get to see their baby on a screen twice by that time! But once things were OK after that scan at 16 weeks, we figured we'd made it and could relax. This is when we told your big sister all about you, that you were growing in Mummy's tummy, and that one day, in a long time, Mummy and Daddy would go to the hospital and bring home a baby. Your sister loves you very much, but she would very much like you to be a girl. Don't worry though, I'm sure we can show her all the fun things she can do with a little brother, if you turn out to be a boy. And I know she will be so proud of you, no matter if your a boy, or a girl.

I'm guessing your a cheeky baby Bean, because wow you keep us on our toes. Just two weeks later we had the scariest ultrasound yet. The doctors told us you were very sick, so sick that you might not live. He told us lots of big words, said things that didn't make much sense at the time, and tried to nicely tell us you would be going to heaven, probably very soon. We were so upset. It didn't seem fair that our baby had to face even more hurdles, after we had just started to relax and think things were OK again. Daddy was very angry at the doctor for trying to push us into making a decision that we didn't want to make. Mummy was just too upset to do anything but cry. We both love you so much and couldn't imagine having to send you to Heaven with Jesus and the angels.

We told the doctor that we would come back another day and see him again, that we were too upset to make any decisions that day and that we would go home and think about everything. The whole time we were at the doctors you were kicking and jumping and tumbling about inside my tummy, which made it even harder to believe you could be so sick. The doctors had told us that you would go to heaven, probably before 24 weeks, because you were too sick to keep going for more than a couple of weeks.

Your daddy and I talked for a very long time about you, and we decided that since you came from God, it was up to God to decide what would happen next. We told the doctors a couple of days later that we didn't want to do anything that might hurt you, like some of the tests they wanted to do could. We decided to come to the hospital every couple of days and just watch you and see what you were doing. The doctors told us lots of times that you wouldn't make it, that you were too sick. We told them to just keep watching, that we understood that you might go to heaven but we just wanted to watch and wait.

And then you started to get better.

At every ultrasound, you were looking much the same, no sicker, but no better. But you move and dance and jump so much, which the doctors kept saying was a great sign. That if you suddenly got too sick you would stop moving to conserve your energy. You never stoped moving. Even during the ultrasounds you were dancing away, making it hard for the doctors to measure and check you each time. And then one day, at one scan, you suddenly seemed to be getting better. The fluid around your heart had moved away, and was disappearing. Your blood flow around your tiny body started regulating.

Of course, the only scan you Daddy has ever missed, since we found out about you, was the one where we got the GOOD news that things looked to be getting better. Your a miracle Bean, because not a single doctor could explain how that could be happening.

And then you reached your next milestone. Together, with Daddy and your sister Lucy, we laughed as we realised you'd made it to 24 weeks. All the doctors said you'd be in heaven by now, some even acted like we were cruel for not letting you go earlier, for choosing to wait and watch. How different it was at the next scan, because now that you've reached that magic milestone, all the doctors want to help you get better!

Today, as I'm writing to you, You've been inside me for 26 weeks. The doctors think that because your heart is now enlarged, you might be getting a little sicker again, however at the ultrasound we had yesterday, apart from your heart you have never looked better. God is looking after you my Bean, which is fantastic because as much as I love you, and your Daddy and your Sister love you, we can't make you better. I'd give anything to be able to make you healthy, to help you grow and stay inside for another 14 weeks until your finished cooking, but whats safest and best for you, might be to bring you into the world early, so the doctors can start you on medicine that will make you all better.

The medicine might scare you a little bit. Because you will still be so little when your born, they have given me some medicine to help you grow stronger, faster. Yesterday they gave mummy a needle, which didn't hurt too bad until much later on. The needle had steroids in it to help your lungs grow faster, and I think you really really like the steroids because you haven't stoped jumping about since I got them. And the good news, Mummy gets more steroids today! So get ready Bean, its going to be like a party of fun for you.

The medicine the doctors have to give you will be in needles as well. I'm sorry in advance sweetheart that you will be poked, prodded and no doubt hurt right after you arrive in this world. It will be very scary for you and you will be very very small. But Daddy will be with you, the whole time I promise. Mummy will have to stay in another part of the hospital for a little while, but as soon as the doctors say It's OK, I'm going to come and be with you as well. It's not fair that you have to go through all this, when your so tiny and new. You should be spending your first minutes in my arms, meeting me and getting to know your new world, not having tubes taped to you, and needles going in and out. It's going to make mummy and daddy very sad to see you like that, and your big sister Lucy might not come visit you for a little while, because she might get scared. Once the doctors say its OK though, you can meet Lucy, and your grandma's and your grandpa, and maybe some other special people who love you so much, even though your not in the world yet.

Bean your going be meeting mummy and daddy much much earlier than I ever dared believe, but don't be scared. There are lots of doctors all ready to help you, and even though it will hurt a little bit sometimes, and there will be lots of tests, it will all be worth it when you get to come home with us, and be part of our family, and part of our home. Its important you stay strong and fight, because we're not giving up on you, ever. If God wants you to go to heaven and be with the angels, then that's what will happen, but I promise your not going without a fight.

I can't wait to meet you Bean, to see if you are a boy, like everyone think, or if your going to surprise us all and be a girl! I can't wait to see what your face looks like, in real colour, not just on a computer screen. And I can't wait for you to meet your Daddy, and your big sister. Most of all though, I can't wait to have you in my arms, healthy, and ready to live out your life with us, your family.

I love you my Bean, stay strong for just a few more weeks sweetheart. You've done so well, and I'm so proud of you. Just a few more weeks Bean. Please.

Love Mummy xo


Lisa Rettke said...

Oh that is beautiful, I think I will cry when I meet bean. I hope you keep this blog and read it to him/her when he/she is old enough to understand. We love you so much and pray for his blessings for ur family. Bean is much loved! Love you xo

THE HART'S said...

that is so beautiful Tam, it made me teary, Bean is truly a miracle, and he or she is very blessed with a wonderful home and family who love and care for him or her so much:) I know in my heart that Bean will be just fine..have faith and hang in there, can't wait to see him or her:) xxx

Brooke Farmer said...

Big fat tears rolling down my cheeks.