Wednesday, December 30, 2009

For the first time,

since this nightmare with Bean started, I actually thought to myself, "it would have been easier to terminate". And then I cried.

I can't believe I thought that. I can't believe I even let that thought into my head, about my precious miracle baby, who has been fighting SO hard, and overcoming SO many issues.

We had another scan today. Last weeks scan was fabulous. Bean was looking great, nice and strong, practice breathing, the blood flow was normal, the fluid levels were great, we even dared think that we might get to go full term. We appeared to be getting our Christmas miracle, and right in time.

This week. Not so good. The amniotic fluid has vanished. I say vanished because that is whats happened to it. Last week there was 11cm/ml (however its measured). This week, 1.2cms. Total. And I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it leaking out. So where the hell has it gone?

We're back to weekly scans, and I'm on bed rest, with strict instructions to drink more water than Ive drunk in my entire life, to try and lift the fluid levels. If they stay at this level, we're looking at bringing Bean into the world at 32 weeks, at the latest.

Meantime the risk of infection is HUGE and every time Bean moves it actually hurts me, because there is no cushioning. And honestly, I'm just heartsick. I know this is not the worst news we could have gotten, but after such a positive scan last week, I just feel sick. After everything else, now we have to deal with this as well.

The list of things we're facing is growing longer, and I really don't know where I'm gong to find the strength for this. I just feel completely defeated.

1 comment:

Cath Clements said...

Please don't beat yourself up about having negative thoughts. You have been through hell, and it's not over yet. You're exhausted and sick with migraines, and you haven't even had the baby yet. It hurts every time the baby moves. It is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting and there is no end in sight. Even the time period until the birth is uncertain. And then there's the birth, and the gamut of tests to go through afterwards. And it is all so isolating because hydrops is so rare. And it's upsetting and disappointing and heart-rending. All you wanted was a healthy baby. And it wasn't too much to ask, especially given the trials you went through to conceive Bean in the first place. Nearly everyone who has a baby gets to have a healthy one. It's not fair, and there are no answers yet. You have been denied what should have been one of the happiest times of your life. I am amazed that you're reasonably cheerful as often as you are. NOBODY could blame you for just wanting to get off the rollercoaster.

You are an amazing woman. Somehow, you have found the strength to keep going day after day. Somehow, you have found the strength to keep caring for Lucy every day and keep things normal for her when what you need most is to have an army of people caring for YOU. Somehow, you have found the strength to keep dealing with Centrelink when what you need most is support from people.

That strength, even though there are days when it's at an all-time low, is what will get you and Bean through this. That and God, who has everything in hand even when we wonder where he's gone. And at those times when you feel you can't go on, your friends and fellow hydrops mums will carry you until you can.