since this nightmare with Bean started, I actually thought to myself, "it would have been easier to terminate". And then I cried.
I can't believe I thought that. I can't believe I even let that thought into my head, about my precious miracle baby, who has been fighting SO hard, and overcoming SO many issues.
We had another scan today. Last weeks scan was fabulous. Bean was looking great, nice and strong, practice breathing, the blood flow was normal, the fluid levels were great, we even dared think that we might get to go full term. We appeared to be getting our Christmas miracle, and right in time.
This week. Not so good. The amniotic fluid has vanished. I say vanished because that is whats happened to it. Last week there was 11cm/ml (however its measured). This week, 1.2cms. Total. And I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it leaking out. So where the hell has it gone?
We're back to weekly scans, and I'm on bed rest, with strict instructions to drink more water than Ive drunk in my entire life, to try and lift the fluid levels. If they stay at this level, we're looking at bringing Bean into the world at 32 weeks, at the latest.
Meantime the risk of infection is HUGE and every time Bean moves it actually hurts me, because there is no cushioning. And honestly, I'm just heartsick. I know this is not the worst news we could have gotten, but after such a positive scan last week, I just feel sick. After everything else, now we have to deal with this as well.
The list of things we're facing is growing longer, and I really don't know where I'm gong to find the strength for this. I just feel completely defeated.