Wednesday, February 24, 2010

They may not be God

but doctors sure can work miracles.

Ellery is home! She gave her parents a nasty nasty scare, but they didn't have to be admitted, and as of last night she was back home, safe in her own bed, and improving once again. Thankyou to every one of you who have prayed for her, and thanks to those of you who emailed me demanding an update!

In other news, Once again, yesterday I tried to clean out Ariana's room. Once again, it did not go so well. I was doing ok, studiously ignoring the baby items in the corner of the room until i came across the jumpsuit. "The Jumpsuit" is the twin of the jumpsuit we bought for Ariana to be cremated in. We wanted her to wear things we bought her, to have things of hers with her. It may seem silly but it was so important to me that we bought her things, just like we have been doing for Lucy for nearly three years. It was the only time I was going to get to go shopping for her, and so, just seven days after my emergency C-section Matt and I went shopping. It sounds absurd doesn't it. Even I think it does. But then planning a memorial service, for ones newborn daughter must have been the most absurd part of it all.

Anyway, I was doing ok, for about three minutes until i found this jumpsuit. Seeing it just floored me. It was a preemie suit, and it was still about three sizes too big for Ariana. BYhut it was hers. And that was the most important detail. The fit didn't matter. The suit we bought came in a twin pack. There was a pink one, and a white one with little bunnies on it. She wore the pink suit, and we kept the white one for her memory box. We also bought her a bunny rug, a little beanie, and some little tiny white socks. I took photos of them all. Those few items remain so special to me.

I decided that I could spend the afternoon doing nothing, wasting time on facebook, or I could sit in that room, trying to clean it out, bawling my eyes out for God knows how long and achieve nothing more than I would achieve on facebook. I chose facebook.

Fifteen minutes later - Mel to the rescue. Choosing facebook was wise, she asked what i was doing, I told her, and here she was, stealing me away to give me a better afternoon than facebook or tears. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her!

The door to Ariana's room remains firmly closed. I really, truly, can't bring myself to go in there. I want to, I want to tidy it up, throw out the crap, and box up all her things, keep them tidy, and safe. I want to open the window, vacuum the carpet, and be able to leave the door open.

But for now, it's staying closed. Neither Matt nor I can deal with it. And it's not a safe place for Lucy to be going with things all stacked up and towering over her head. So we wait.

One day, I will deal with that room. Maybe once I deal with the emotions that come with going in there.


Catherine Clements said...

I can not even begin to understand how hard it must be to walk into that room, let alone pack things up. I wish so much that things had turned out differently. Nobody who knew, or knew of, Ariana will ever, ever forget her.

Just as there is no real sense of time in heaven (and I do believe that those who go before us wait for us just around the corner in heaven), no time limit can be imposed on people who are grieving. It has been such a short time since Ariana left you. You are bravely getting out of bed in the mornings, caring for Lucy, looking after your relationship with Matt and desperately missing Ariana. And that is enough. It is more than enough. It is far more than most other people could do in your situation. You are one of the strongest women I know.

Ariana will always be your daughter. She will be woven into the tapestry of your family life and you will carry her memory with you until you catch up with her around the corner. It is completely understandable that you are not ready to pack up her belongings. They, along with your memories, are all you have to go on with.

You're doing an awesome job, Tam. That room can stay just as it is for as long as you want it to. xxx

Mum2five said...

You know I'm here to do whatever I can honey, for all of you! And I will continue to do this till the end of time =)

If an when you get to the stage that you would like to explore and tidy Ariana's room, let me know and we'll take Lucy out for a day if you need some time. If not and you need company there instead, all you need to do is say the word....

I'm the one that's blessed to have a friend like you dearest.... Never forget that (and don't argue with me hehe)

love ya lots xo