Thursday, February 4, 2010

We are blessed,

to have the friends we do. I've always been of the opinion that having a few good, quality friends, is far better than having a lot of half arsed shallow uninterested friends. Those are the people I don't have the patience for, the people who, unless it directly concerns them, aren't able to express an interest in what is important to us, for whatever reason. I also believe in having friends as a couple, his friends are mine and vice versa.

Losing a child has a way of really showing you who your friends are. The people who come the memorial service, despite hating the thought of even stepping foot in the door. The people who take entire days off, to just sit in quiet support, offering to do anything down the smallest most inconsequential details, the people who protect, stick up for and defend you when your at your lowest, and don't have the energy to do it yourself, even though the fight is an important one.

I've talked before about how Matt hates his job, how he doesn't want to go back there, and how I worry about his emotional state of health in that environment, where he doesn't feel supported or heard. Its frustrating enough to be ignored, treated badly, and made a scapegoat. Its a serious concern when your also grieving, and trying to make sense of what is such a unique situation. I really worry about him going there. I worry he will get depressed, and feel trapped into a situation that makes him feel inadequate, hurt or lonely. I don't fear for my own emotional well being as much as I fear for Matt's. He bottles things up, tries to keep them to himself. He doesn't want to concern me, to upset me, and he thinks that by unloading on me, he'll unintentionally cause more distress to me, than he would if he kept it to himself. Part of that is my fault, because I get, passionate about things. I get so angry when I hear that his boss has again ignored him. When I hear that he's trying to hold Matt over a barrel, or to hold him responsible for something that has nothing to do with him. I get angry. I know I do, and maybe that's why sometimes Matt won't tell me about his whole day, about the things that happened that made him angry or upset, Those things, he tells Mel.

The only reason, I can keep calm myself, about Matt going back to work in a little over a week, is Mel. She is incredible. I don't know where she gets her energy,her strength or her compassion from, but somehow, with her and her very patient husband, we'll manage to get by the days and months from desperate grief, and loss, into normal life again. We have a lot of friends who have supported us, loved us, and helped us. But Mel, and her husband are a different kind of people. I don't really know how to put it into words, but I know I can be reasonably confident, that Matt will manage going back to work OK, because she will be there if he needs to break down, yell, cry or just get angry, she'll be there. And she'll still be there when he's finished being angry, or sad, or stupidly happy. She won't find it all too much, and need to run, or to back away. We can rely on her, I hope Matt never needs her there in that capacity, but realistically, at some point, It's likely to happen.

Putting so much faith in people can be scary. People are after all human, they have their own lives, their own failings and their own limits to what they can handle. It's a fine line between leaning on someone when you need too, and relying on them to make everything better, all the time. Nobody can make any of this better. Losing Ariana can't be made better. But it can be made bearable. All our friends have done that for us, they've made it bearable, for us to keep breathing, every breath, and to keep living, one day at a time, as well as we can.

Mel and her family haven't been in our lives for long, not even a year. But somehow, in such a short space of time they have intertwined in our hearts so deeply, that we can't imagine living our daily lives without them in it. Their compassion, understanding and love has made every day less of a struggle, even when our hearts were breaking. They have their own lives, they have pain, they have struggles but through it all, they make time for us, to be us, as we are in that moment. It's the greatest gift we could ever hope to receive, and we both cherish it. One day, maybe, we can be half as amazing to them, as they have been to us.

1 comment:

Mel said...

Way to go dear. Make me cry lol. Good tears that is. Love ya both heaps honey xo