at the steps of grieving, but the last 48 hours, I have just been so angry. I'm angry with everything. I'm not used to feeling out of control, to feeling like I have no self control.
I'm angry that I'm unemployed. I'm angry that I feel like I'm not contributing to the household in any way whatsoever. I'm angry that I feel pressured into going back to work, despite not feeling ready for it emotionally because of Centrelink. I'm angry that I'm home alone all day, everyday.
Im angry that we STILL don't have Ariana's autopsy results back. That they haven't contacted us for an appointment. I'm angry that I keep dreaming they forgot to do her autopsy, and now that she's been cremated it's too late, and we'll never know why. I'm angry that we still might never know why. I'm angry that everytime i get online, one person in particular asks, everytime, if we've heard anything. I'm angry that they don't understand how morbid it feels for me, to be asking all.the.time if we've got the results. The autopsy results on my dead baby. It hurts me to have to read that question, every.single.day.
I'm angry that when we eventually get the results, we will have to share them with family. I'm angry that not one single part of her life belonged to just us. For just us to remember. There were always others. We never had her to ourselves, for even one second. Not even in death. There was always someone else around.
Most of all, I'm angry that I feel like this. I'm angry with myself, for not coping better. For not knowing what to do about this anger. For not understanding how to redirect it, for not having something to distract me. I'm angry because I know that my anger, and hurt is affecting the people i love. I don't want to do that. I don't want to BE that person anymore! I'm sick of being angry, of being hurt, of being 'the mother who's baby didn't make it". I don't want to be that person anymore.
I want to be the mother of two beautiful, healthy daughters. I want to know why I'm not.
I just want to know why. And i just want to stop being so angry.