Shock and Awe

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing" - Agatha Christie

Life has been tough. When I wrote this post, I never, in a million years expected to get the reactions that I did. You, were Supportive, loving and kind. Many of you, both in the comments, and in private emails to me, called me inspirational (again?!), and Brave. The word respect was used, quite a few times as well.


To say I'm amazed, is not adequate. Thank you for your support, for not judging me for my weakness's, for my inadequacies, my failings and shortcomings. Of course, with the good, always comes the bad.

I'm fast learning that having a blog that people actually read, and comment on, means I need to realise that there are people who aren't going to agree with me. There are always going to be people who don’t think the same way as I do, whether it be about how I raise my daughter, what I think and feel about religion, and God, or, how I have approached, and discussed Ariana.

It astounds me that in the land of the internets, there are some who feel they have the right to leave words of negativity, of hate and other bitter vitriol in the comments section in the blog of a person who is, just like everyone else, trying.

I often wonder, if these same people who are leaving awful, hurtful and often just sickening comments here would have the same belief in their convictions if they were face to face with me, a normal, grieving mother. Would they still want to call me a slut. Would they tell me I should have just killed myself instead of dragging a good man down with me? Would they tell me, to my face, unflinchingly, that I disgust them, and that my daughter, the one unlucky enough to survive, should be taken from me immediately, lest I do her irreparable damage also?

Those are just a couple, of the final tally of 7 comments that made my heart ache, and my head spin. That people who have never.laid.eyes.on.me could have such an open hatred of me, really made me wonder.

I don't doubt myself. I don't regret what I wrote. Sure, I regret that I had reason to write the post, and I regret that the material for the post ever existed. But I don't regret my decision to write it. This is my space. And this is what I do. I don't always convey it in a way that is lyrical, beautiful, or well written or invitational to be read. But It's still my space, and I still get to be the one to decide what I write. I won't be stopping that anytime too soon and certainly not because a series of "anon" commenter’s feel the need to take a post of the lowest point in my life, and then rip me to shreds over it.

I have, the most incredible support network. There are people in my life today, who just six months ago, I had never laid eyes on. There are people sending me things, daily, to get us through. Cards, balloons and other trinkets arrive via mail almost every week. We have friends. We have family. And I am so grateful for every single one of you all. Thankyou for your support!

 I need to recognise that not everyone agrees with me. But those who don't, need to recognise that I will write what I like. I will not be cowed and I will not begin to question myself, because you display an utter lack of self control. I will not let you decide what it is ok for me to write about. I have beautiful people around me to support me, to help me and to care for me.

I am blessed, and I am loved.

It is you I feel sorry for.

Even after everything else, after losing children, after self destructing, after EVERY.SINGLE.OTHER.THING. It is you, that I pity. Hiding behind your anonymous comments does not make you brave, and it does not make you clever or witty. It makes you a coward.

I pity you.


And, for the record - I'm an awesome mother to this little princess.