Sunday, March 7, 2010

Used and tossed away

well the title pretty much sums it up. To say that I'm not completley crushed is a lie. I am crushed.

How is it that I'm not invited? How is it, that after knowing you seperately, for over ten years, and as a couple since you met each other, That I didn't warrant an invitation. That I knew nothing, until i logged onto facebook and actively SEARCHED to find out.

How can you have wanted me at her birth. But not her dedication.

We counted you among our closest friends. You called me, in the middle of the night, for weeks, for help. I listened to every.single.complaint you have had about your life, your family, your work. Everything you've ever said. I spend days at your husbands bedside when he was in hospital. Depite the things we've had to deal with, I thought you were better. Stronger. Smarter. And kinder.

I know where I stand now. I guess I should have seen it coming.

You know who you are. You probably don't give a shit. I see that now. I just wish I had seen it earlier. I wish I had not invested so much time, so much love, and so much effort. I wish I didn't have to explain it to Lucy. She's had enough this year, don't you think. Despite every attempt I have made to not judge you, to let you be you, to deal with OUR losing a child in the way you needed to, You haven't been there. Not in the way we needed you to be. And that was ok. Because everyone deals with things differently. We didn't hold you in judgement for that. We let you be distant, because we didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

But this. This is a slap in the face. And frankly, I'm too exhausted, to broken, and to hurt to fight for it.

I'm done.

3 comments:

Mum2five said...

Stay strong hon.... You know where we are... Ring and yell at me if you need to. Bugger people like that. Love ya lots xo

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel about the issue of others that you expect to be there...aren't. My own sister chose to no contact us or come to our services with both our losses in 2009....I feel we can not change people. They are who they are. The choices they make they have to live with and I must keep going on being me. It's hard and it sucks....but nothing we can do about it.

We have suffered more then what we should have had to, we should never have to bury own babies....so we shouldn't waste our time in worrying about other people who are so inconsiderate!

Take care and hugs to you and your family! And our babies I am sure are playing together in heaven!
Shawna

Titanium said...

I'm sorry, Tam. This one just resounds with universal anguish; there is nothing I can add or offer- just know that your pain is heard.