Things happen for a reason. God how i hate that saying. However true it is it doesn't stop you wondering WHY. It doesn't stop the pain and it sure as hell doesn't make it feel better.
We lost our baby. 10 weeks in and feeling oh so confident. I even had morning sickness this time. The exhaustion, the morning sickness and those chronic headaches. I thought for SURE this time it would all be ok. This time i could relax and let my body do what my heart longed for. I even started telling people, being excited about it and letting them be excited too.
"Things happen for a reason" thankyou Mr doctor man but how the hell would you know? Is this YOUR FOURTH miscarriage is it?
"Maybe there was something wrong with the baby" So what? Does that make my child, my miracle any less important? And less precious? I wanted this baby so much, sick or healthy, this baby was still MY baby. MY CHILD. How dare you or anyone else tell me that its for the best. This cannot be for the best. It can be only what it is. Heartache.
I look in baby shops knowing i can't walk in and buy the little jumpsuits. I have no right to enter that hallowed ground. I'm not pregnant. I dont have a baby on the way. I have been left out again of the world wide "expecting" group. The group that looks a tiny singlets and booties and rubs their tummies knowingly. The group that can talk about which pram they want to buy. The group that gets to go to ultrasounds confidently KNOWING there will be a heartbeat.
This once i was confident. Yet again my heart breaks for the baby that will never grow up. All the missed opportunities and potential that my babies had. All the love i have for them that they will never experience.
and I dont know if my heart can stand the pain.