sometimes

i think I'm OK.

It hasn't been long but every now and then i have a moment and i think "I'm OK".

Then something happens and i realise I'm not OK. Someone says something and i realise, I'm far from OK.

A girl i know just had her baby. I took that well. I said i was happy for her because i am. I said I'd pray for her because i will, he is 6 weeks early and in special care. But that was OK, she's been pregnant for a long time, i can handle that.

Another girl i know just had her ultrasound. Twins. That i didn't handle. I went into my lounge room. TWINS! All i could think while I lay there crying was I can't even have one.. why does she get two? Rationally speaking i know its irrelevant, I know that I'm happy for her, and I know that there are heightened risks with multiple pregnancies. I also know, rationally that I'm not angry or upset with her but with myself. With my body letting me down, again and again and again.

Rationale goes out the window when your grieving. I can't be rational, all i can be is passionate, hurt and upset.

Sometimes i think I'm OK. Other times i wonder if I'll ever be OK again. I wonder why this one seems SO much harder than the last ones. I guess because this one was planned. We tried to get pregnant, we thought about it, we talked about it and we made a decision to have a baby.

Sometimes, i just want to give it all up.