The same, but different.

I woke up this morning and things just felt, different. Incomplete maybe. I woke up in my own bed. Where I went to sleep last night. That was expected, nothing unusual there. But it felt different. Something didn't feel quite right about my world.

I still don't know what this feeling is. I don't know whats happened, if in fact anything has happened. I don't know if something is going to happen, but if something is going to happen, It's going to be big. I can feel it.

I just dont know what it is. Or where it is. Or when it is.

But something is coming. Good or Bad, its coming.

I have a friend

who just had the most beautiful baby. She is tiny, and perfect in every single way. She is much loved and adored. Early in the pregnancy, there were fears they might lose her. But God intervened, and today she is nearly 2 weeks old. A Miracle.

I have another friend, who has, in the last 6 months, lost a baby. She was 8 weeks pregnant, and for some reason, her tiny baby's heart just didn't keep beating.

I have another friend, who attends a small church. This morning she arrived to hear that, now her and her husband are officially, the only married couple in the church, of an age to have children that aren't pregnant. They are also the only couple to have lost not one, but two babies in the past year.

The medical statistics say that something like one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage. This is pretty enormous! It means that between myself and my two friends, if all of us were pregnant at the same time, one of us, statistically, would lose our baby.

Somehow, it happened just like that. My friend had twins about 3 months ago. My other friend, had her daughter in Feb. We were, initially all pregnant at the same time. Jen was 5 weeks pregnant with twins, I was 9.5 weeks pregnant, and Bec was 20 weeks pregnant. All friends, all pregnant. Pretty exciting days. Until 3 days later when our baby didn't have a heartbeat.

I'm not the only one who knows the statistics. Because last week, when i mentioned that we were trying to have another baby again, the comment i got from one incredibly insensitive, stupid person was "Oh we're trying too, imagine if we were pregnant together, between us and so and so that would be three. At least I'd know my baby would make it."

Because, everyone knows, my babies die.

And one in three odds aren't great to start with, but when you know someone who has had multiple miscarriages, your odds suddenly seem brighter.

Mine, however, remain dismal.

God, please, let my next baby live. Please don't take another one from us.

DO. YOU. KNOW?!

You know how the world keeps turning after you lose a baby? And how it seems so incredibly unfair, that while your heart is literally breaking into pieces, while your world is shattered, life continues on? Do you know that feeling? I don't mean through a friend, or a relative, I mean do YOU, PERSONALLY KNOW, the anguish, the heartache and the mind numbing pain?

Life is shit. It really is. And the most absurd cruelty of all is that even when you think, for a few seconds, that your OK, that maybe today, you can get out of bed and walk to the bathroom before the tears start to fall, you cant. Because every step you take reminds you of the beautiful amazing person your life is missing. Do you know that pain?

Because i know you don't.

So please, If i mention to you that my arms feel empty without my baby, who by all rights, right now should be 2 months old, Don't tell me of people who are worse off.

I don't want to hear that your sister has had 5 miscarriages and 2 still births. Its a tragedy for her, of course it is, but if I'm reaching out to you, its for comfort, or support. Telling me more devastating news, as though my dead baby is a competition piece, for you to create the "best" story will only make me hate you.

And the more I hate you, the more I will hate myself.

And don't you understand that I already hate myself for this? For my body's complete and utter inability to do what is such a natural, normal thing?

I hate myself for my weaknesses.

I hate you for making them trivial.

here she is

the beautiful Maddison Jade Rettke at 2 hours old. Born 4.44pm Tuesday 30th June 2009 weighing a teeny 6pound 8 and only 49cms long.

Isn't she perfect?

Waiting for the time to test is hard,

but negative pregnancy tests are harder.

If you'll excuse me, I have some more devestated crying to do.

I should be in bed

but i'm far too lazy busy, checking two days of blogs and emails.

Dont you wish you were me?!

Timing is everything

and it is SO lucky i took a "mummy only" day on Friday. Because on Sunday, Lucy's lurgy came back. We spent 5.5 hours at the hospital with Lucy on Sunday night. Remember she was violently sick a week and a bit ago? Remember we took her to the doctor? Remember that doctor gave us antibiotics? She took the antibiotics. The full course. She finished them on Friday night. All Good. Wonderful, great, happy toddler.

And then Sunday afternoon, disaster struck. She started screaming. Her fever spiked again, she went pale and listless. And we went to hospital.

Diagnosis. Urinary tract infection. Again. Not even 2 full days after completing the course of antibiotics. More antibiotics and the most horrendous catheter insertion i have ever seen performed (picture 20 minutes of hysterical screaming, arching up the bed (4 of us holding her down) and vomiting fits from hysteria) and we headed home utterly exhausted, at 4.00am.

Lucy was asleep before we got out of the car park, Matt and I fell into bed as soon as we got home.

2.5 hours later, my phone rang.

"Lisa's waters just broke, we're coming to get you, labour is starting."

Ever thought God has a sense of humour?!!

So on 2.5 hours sleep, i started the first stint i have ever done of helping someone else have a baby. We made a trip to the hospital to get her checked over, and make sure her waters had fully broken (which they totally had!), and decided to wait on labour to start naturally as opposed to inducing, and to come back 7am Tuesday for inducement if nothing progressed.

By 6pm, the contractions were starting to hurt, not regular or very long, but painful.

We started timing at 9.30pm.

At 12.30 we called the hospital for advice. They said 3 contractions in 10 minutes, 1 minute long.

At 1.30am, they were coming every three minutes, but still only lasting 40 seconds at the most, and i made an executive decision and off to hospital we went.

Baby Maddison Jade Rettke made her entrance into the world after a lot of hard work by her amazing mummy at 4.44pm on 30th June 2009 after 23 very long, very painful hours of labour.

I got home at 11pm last night, and absolutely fell into bed for 14 hours of blissful, unaware sleep.

Thank GOD i had that day of rest on Friday, because I can honestly say i would not have survived being awake for 55 hours straight without having had that day.

Tomorrow Matt and Lucy are coming to meet Maddison. I can honestly say, after having been there through her birth, that i could never be a midwife. But I'm pretty sure I'd do it all again, to meet the worlds newest little person. It was a moment i will NEVER forget.

Oh and Lucy seems to be much better again, we can only hope that this time the antibiotics actually work.