Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It doesn't take much

for the old fears to come flooding back. Although when I say fears, that implies that the fears I have, I had once before. Which isn't entirely correct. I've posted here before about my battle with undiagnosed post natal depression after i had Lucy. I never saw a counsellor, I was never medicated, I never really realised what was wrong with me, until It was over. And then It seemed pointless to worry about it.

But at some stage, I need to accept the fact that very soon, in a few short months, I'll be having another baby. And I have to be ready to face the fact that, for me at least, another bout of post natal depression is very likely. Not because I'm pre-disposed to it, but because I never took steps to talk it through with anyone. At all. Ever. My husband, doesn't even know. I do keep meaning to tell him, but Its an awkward conversation, and somehow i just keep glossing by it.

I never hurt my daughter. I WOULD never hurt my daughter, but the incessant fear that I might possibly, in the very recess's of my mind, contemplate it one day, scared the shit out of me. It still does. I love that she's two because it means she's so much more independent. Having a totally dependent child, home alone for hours at a time, is a VERY daunting thing to me. It really really scares me.

I've already promised myself, that I will, at my first antenatal appointment talk to the midwives about what I felt, what I went through and any concerns I have. I fully intend to tick the "risk of PPD" box on the form.

But what scares me is that despite being proactive about it now, it still might not be enough. I hate the thought of going through it again. But there is no fool proof way to stop it. I just have to make sure, I have support from the get go.

I will get that support. I just want that to be enough, and I want the fear that it might not be, to go away.

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