have things gotten around here lately!!
Wow, reading back over my last few entries, its all somber, and scary and dark, and while I'm not apologetic for that, it just seems, depressing.
I'm not depressed. Not now anyway. I think I was a bit at the beginning. It just hurt to think that the baby we tried 8 months to conceive, the baby that we managed to hold onto for 18 weeks, was then given a death sentence diagnosis, at what we thought was essentially going to be such a routine scan.
We've got another scan this afternoon, and already the nerves are kicking in hard and fast. People keep telling me God doesn't give you more than you can handle but you know, that might be the case, but we'd like it easy anyway!
Challenges suck. I'm not a fan of being challenged like this. Its hard to keep your family together when you just want to fall apart.
I feel horribly guilty for what this is all doing to Lucy. She doesn't understand. We haven't told her anything is wrong with the baby, she knows there is a baby and she's so excited. But all the scans, the hospital check ups and meetings mean that she's left behind a lot of the time, because if i walk into an appointment and hear the worst, I don't want to have to hold it together for her sake. I want to be able to focus, and cry, and ask questions and make decisions. Not a place for a two year old to be. Which leaves her at home. With grandma. Or at childcare. Or with my sister. Or my dad. All her favourite people - right after mummy and daddy.
I know she misses us, I miss her too. But I don't know what we can do about it. At least now we're having scans twice a week, not every two days, which means one less appointment, and we're trying to spend weekends loving on her so so much. But at the same time. She's 2! She has tantrums. She wants what she can't have. She wants to say No. To assert her independence. And we want her to do what we ask her to do. We want her to tidy up after herself. To go and play outside instead of asking to watch TV all day. To go and amuse herself while we get dinner cooking.
Its all so freaking exhausting at the moment. There has to be a "middle ground". I just can't quite find it.