Friday, December 18, 2009

Today I am just

over it. I'm exhausted. Not mentally or emotionally, although I'm pretty sure that's catching up too, but I'm actually, physically exhausted.

I managed to hurt my neck 5 days ago now, and It's still hurting me. While I'm upright, its barely an issue, but, that all changes as soon as I lie down. And I'm funny, I like to sleep laying down.

I can't see a physio because they won't touch me because I'm "high risk", and I need a letter from my obstetrician to say It's OK. Except HE, has dared to get a life and gone on holidays for two weeks, and I can't see him until Monday. The other obstetrician didn't feel "comfortable" in referring me so I'm back to heat packs and panadol. Not helpful.

But tonight, really, I'm just sick of everything. I'm sick of counting how many times Bean kicks me every two hours of the day to make sure his/her movements haven't changed. I'm sick of looking into the nursery I should be SO EXCITED to be putting together, and seeing boxes and storage crates that i can't bring myself to move, just in case....

At this point, Bean is the proud owner of a box of newborn nappies, that won't fit for months, about ten summer jumpsuits, and one blanket. We have a cradle, a pram and a rocker. We also have a cot, purely because its the one we used for Lucy.

That's it. We have nothing ready for this baby, and what we do have is all crammed into the junk room, waiting for me to go in there and set it up. Get it ready for the baby. I feel robbed that I can't get excited about setting up the nursery. I'm angry that picking baby names isn't exciting, because we have to keep thinking that we might use it at his/her funeral. I feel like my pregnancy has been stolen from me. I don't get to do the fun stuff, because we don't know what's going to happen today. I never knew the future with Lucy, I was scared, apprehensive and worried, when I had no reason to be. Now i feel like that all the time, and It's worse because there is a reason.

I try not to feel sorry for myself with all that's going on. I've been trying to stay positive, Bean is still with us, and I'm not giving up on him/her. But I think the lack of sleep, and everything else, is just getting to me. Because tonight, I just want to sit on the lounge and cry. I"m cranky. I'm emotional and I'm sure I'm going to say something I regret if I dare open my mouth and actually have a conversation with anyone. Which is why I'm infinitely happy to be home alone at the moment.

I'm just so tired. Tired and emotional for me is not a happy outcome.

I hope I manage to doze off before Matt gets home or I might find myself divorced by morning because I'm so bloody angry. And It's not even at him.