would tell you that going to the crematorium, a month after you lose your baby won't be easy. And it would tell you, that you might find it upsetting, that you might even cry. Common sense might even tell you to take tissues, in case of tears. You'd think so right?
So how come I was totally shocked that when it came time to talk about what we wanted to put on the memorial plaque, that I. couldn't. do. it.
Its silly, this is by no means, the worst, or hardest thing we've had to do in this past month.
Turning off the life support. That was hard. Walking out of hospital with an aching C-section scar, knowing my daughter was in the morgue. Planning a memorial service. Discussing cremation, talking about where to keep her ashes. Those things were ALL hard. Leaving her, was hard. Saying goodbye, forever, was hard. Dealing with insensitive comments, and my questioning toddler about her sister. Explaining to parents at childcare what happened, because Lucy is talking to their children about her sister in heaven. Hard. Its all so bloody hard all the time.
This is just a plaque. Its simple and sweet. And I completely could not, get out one word about it. I communicated almost entirely by nodding my head, and pointing at what I liked. I knew, in my head what I wanted. But if I had opened my mouth, I felt like I would become hysterical! And I was surprised!
Its only been a month since she was born. Ariana was here one short month ago. And sometimes I forget that it was just a month ago. I forget that I still am healing from surgery. I feel fantastic, but I am still technically in the healing stage. I forget how bruised I am, emotionally, just from everything. I need to be kinder to myself, to let myself feel what I need to feel, when I need to feel it. But I don't know how to do that. I feel like I need to be OK, because life has to go on. The bills don't stop coming in. They still need to be paid. Which means I need a job. I can't be breaking down all the time, because then I can't work. And it cycles around and around in my head..I'm getting worried about not finding a job. I need something, and I need it soon. I need 15 hours a week, that's it. Emotionally, I don't think I'm ready for much more than that.
Argh. Breathe in and out and relax.
I'm better. I am, honestly, Doing better. But sometimes I need to vent, which is why I blog.
Ariana's memorial plaque will read
"Precious Memories of Ariana Rose King
01/01/2010 ~ 05/01/2010
11 weeks too early, Four blessed days of Love
Eternity in Heaven, Our gift from God Above"
It should be ready, and on the Granite book in 6 - 8 weeks, which ironically will not only coincide with her due date, but also the time we're expecting to get Autopsy results back. March is going to be another tough month I suspect.