Thursday, March 11, 2010

I have a confession to make,

one that I've already made to my husband.

I don't open the back door. I really don't. I'll open it ten minutes before he and Lucy come home, so it looks like it's been open all day. But It hasn't. I don't open the back door.

Why?

Because our next door neighbour is pregnant. I believe, she is due sometime next week. Ariana was due next week. On the 19th in fact. We've come down to 8 days until our precious girl was due to arrive in the world.

I was part of an online birth club. The ladies are wonderful, beautiful women. They are also all having their babies at the moment. Lots of newborns, and birth announcements appearing on my facebok page. To my credit (trust me it is!), i've been making sure to congratulate them all on their new arrivals, to be excited with them. I've looked at all the photos, grinned at the tiny outfits, marvelled at the tiny fingers and toes with them, for them. They supported me, I don't want to be bitter about their special babies.

But the lady next door? I don't even know her name. I know nothing about her. And I'm so jealous OF her that I can't even open the back door. I actually get angry when I see her! It seems cruel that she should live next door - that someone who is Exactly as pregnant as I was lives right next door.

I couldn't make this stuff up! But I really wish I was!!

I told Matt last night that I was feeling like that. A big step for me, I don't usually tell him that sort of stuff, I just tell myself to get over it. I told him last night. Bawled like a baby for ages. I didn't feel any better after I told him, this morning I still can't open the back door. But now I don't have to pretend. I guess that's a good feeling.

Stupid backdoor. Matt asked me if maybe we should move. I can't move because she is pregnant!!

5 comments:

Titanium said...

Oh yes, you can.

Move, that is. It seems so unjust, so unfair.

I dunno- I'm not a professional advice giver, for sure. But I'm in your corner. And I'm sorry, Tam.

Titanium said...

This Friday, I am posting something- addressing something I rarely allow myself to think about, much less talk about.

I want you to know that your honesty, your tenacious grip on life DOES inspire others. What you've taken from these Life Stories and offered to the universe with open heart and hands MATTERS.

Thank you. For being You.

Mum2five said...

Come live at our place lmao.... There you are problem solved! Gee I'm good at this =) luv ya xo

gorillabuns said...

if i have to hear that one more person is pregnant, i'm going to vomit.

wishing i was vomitting for the right reasons.

so sorry.

Diane H said...

dont move...
I am sure there are some special memories where you are...
just keep the door shut...

I found you via Sheyes blog...it will be 8 years this year since i lost my son...