Something is wrong with my little girl

and they want us to wait until next November to figure out whats going on. I think not.

My darling daughter is all over the place at the moment. She wont eat, at all, last week she went 3 days on a half a banana and a cruskit with cream cheese. She isn't sleeping at night and now she's getting this horrible burn like rash all over her face when she DOES eat something. And its hurting her, she keeps putting her hands over her mouth and saying" oww mummy".

I feel awful for her. So i did what any good parent would do and took her to the doctor. He weighed her and found that she has lost MORE weight in the past 2 weeks. She now she is officially 2.5 k under weight and her growth has stalled. He gave me a wrinkled up " this is concerning" look and immediately refered her to a paediatrician at the hospital.

I thought this was good news! See a specialist and figure out whats wrong, Right?

WRONG. The first available appointment is 26 November 2009. They want me to wait a YEAR for an appointment because my baby wont eat and is losing weight, not to mention this scary rash....

I feel so totally helpless. We are looking into private practices but financially its going to be a blow - we have no private health insurance and minimal savings. But for her, we'd do anything. But even that's a waiting game. Nobody can see her immediately, everyone is booked solid.

I've lost 4 babies, I'll be damned if I'm going to let my only daughter slip away because of some stupid hospital bureaucrats.

My heart was breaking

and i didn't even cry.

Meet Willow Rachel Dunlop, the newest addition to the Borg/Dunlop family. She is perfect. Born at 12.28am on the 26th October weighing a tiny 3.25kilograms and only 50 cms long.

Perfect.

And my heart was breaking for what i would again miss out on.

But i love her.

Do you grow out of things

or just get bored of them? Right after the miscarriage i wanted nothing more than to go out dance and pretend i was fine. I was happy to drink and dance the night away, happy to pretend i was like everyone else.

Now i think i'm growing out of it. Or perhaps i'm just moving on, because suddenly the idea of going out really doesn't appeal to me. I want to stay home with Matt and Lucy and watch TV. I want to be in my home, i want to clean my house, read a book, paint, play with playdoh, i want to in a word normal. I want my life to go back to the way it used to be. Back when i could be happy for someone who's pregnant, even excited. Now i smile at them, and blink back the tears. I just want my life to be normal again.

That word - NORMAL, why do i feel like my life will never be that way again.

Its not the best photo,

but these days when Lucy so much as suspects we're going to take a photo of her she heads for the hills. I'm sure she thinks we all have nothing better to do than try and get that ever elusive "great" photo. Right now I'm just grateful to have someone to take photos of.

I'm slowly recovering. I can talk about it, talking helps me. I can handle being around my pregnant friend at work. Yet i struggle to be around other pregnant people. My close friend Bec, we were 10 weeks apart and so excited to be pregnant together. It's harder to handle than i expected. I keep measuring her pregnancy on where i should have been. That's hard.

It's Vanessa's baby shower today. I've elected not to attend. I know she will understand why, and I'll get her a present and visit her in the hospital after she has the baby, but right now, I'm now willing to fall apart in front of a room full of people i work with .That's not something i need.

Or am ready to accept.

sometimes

i think I'm OK.

It hasn't been long but every now and then i have a moment and i think "I'm OK".

Then something happens and i realise I'm not OK. Someone says something and i realise, I'm far from OK.

A girl i know just had her baby. I took that well. I said i was happy for her because i am. I said I'd pray for her because i will, he is 6 weeks early and in special care. But that was OK, she's been pregnant for a long time, i can handle that.

Another girl i know just had her ultrasound. Twins. That i didn't handle. I went into my lounge room. TWINS! All i could think while I lay there crying was I can't even have one.. why does she get two? Rationally speaking i know its irrelevant, I know that I'm happy for her, and I know that there are heightened risks with multiple pregnancies. I also know, rationally that I'm not angry or upset with her but with myself. With my body letting me down, again and again and again.

Rationale goes out the window when your grieving. I can't be rational, all i can be is passionate, hurt and upset.

Sometimes i think I'm OK. Other times i wonder if I'll ever be OK again. I wonder why this one seems SO much harder than the last ones. I guess because this one was planned. We tried to get pregnant, we thought about it, we talked about it and we made a decision to have a baby.

Sometimes, i just want to give it all up.