Saturday, April 17, 2010

Missing In Action,

well, sort of.

I am still here. Mostly.

This week has been chaos. I can't believe how totally unprepared I was for going back to work. I did the job for two weeks and I am already two weeks behind in paperwork. And we have accreditation in two months. Head office are breathing down our necks, and I am already struggling!

Of course, there is a reason. There is always a reason. It has been three and a half long years since I last wrote a program. And I have never, ever, written a program for a pre-school age group. Plus a breakdown of communication and quite litterally being unable to even take my full lunch breaks becuase of the chaos, and I find myself dragging work home to finish! If it's this bad in two weeks, imagine if I did go full time in this caper!

Which is incredibly unlikely.

Because of this.


You saw it here first.

That is in fact a positive pregnancy test. Now if you will all pick your jaws up off the floor in an orderly fashion, I will explain.

First of all, yes it is my test. No it is not a joke. Yes, according to that stick, I am pregnant.

I suppose it comes from all that sex I was having. Except funny story, I went back to work, and was exhausted. We had sex one time (this cycle), - and I'm up the duff. Just personally, I blame my iPhone. According to it, I wasn't ovulating, or even fertile when we did the deed. Of course according to my Iphone, I also had a period at the same time I fell pregnant. I think, somehow, it duplicated an entry, and voila, I thought I was so "totally safe, not even worth worrying about, lets do this.".

Ahem. It would appear I was not as correct about that as I would have liked to have been.

So, at this point. I'm like maybe, if I'm lucky, 5 weeks pregnant. I don't know what to make of it. I'm scared, I've been spotting since I tested. We all know I do not do pregnant "well". But my dear friend Hope said to keep testing, and if the line keeps getting darker then the hormones at least are getting stronger. I think this is decent logic, so I am about to order a pack of 25 pregnancy tests online. I've become a pee stick coveter. I covet pee sticks. I will get more pee sticks.

Seriously though? I have debated backwards and forwards about telling anyone. I'm scared. I don't want to lose another baby, especially since we still don't have those damn autopsy results. Matt is of the opinion that since we do not know if our "offspring"(as in the little turtle from Nemo!), as he or she has been dubbed is going to stick, that we should keep it to ourselves. I however, want to tell everyone.

Not because I'm excited to be pregnant. I haven't hit that emotion yet. But because I'm deathly afraid of dealing with another loss without the support of friends and family.

I get that where a happy, bubbly person used to be is now me. And I get that dealing with all my baby drama must get depressing, and annoying. But really? If this does go bad? I'm going to need you all. And if it goes good, I'm still going to need you all.

So for now, I am waiting. I am hoping that the spotting will stop. As there has been no cramping, or clotting I think, maybe, it might be ok. But this is familiar to me. And I don't like it. I might go to the doctor early next week, and get my levels tested. And maybe get reffered for a scan at 9 weeks, like we always do, if we get that far.

While I don't know if this pregnancy is going to stick - I know I feel a peace about it. It may sound terrible, but I am now of the opinion that we've faced the worst we could imagine. We're due for some happiness. And who know's, maybe this is the baby that we've been trying to bring home for two years now.

I really, really pray it is.


Sonya Graham said...

omg Tam and Matt tears are streaming down my face over the happiness i'm feeling for you guys, sending much good health vibes your way and you will (as always) be in my prayers :D

Congratulations!!!! xoxoxox

Mum2Five said...

Hehehe i was wondering how long this post would take!!! Quicker than I thought I must admit ( I thought you'd wait another month before you spilled on here).

I can now say CONGRATULATIONS publicly (it's been driving me nuts)!!!!

Love to you all and you know where we are xo

Ree said...

Congratulations Tam. I know its not 'exciting' yet because its all so very scary, and thats understandable - anyone who has been through what you have been would feel the same way. If you haven't already, head to the Pregnancy after Loss board on BC - the ladies over there are absolutely fantastic and have been through all the same (if not at least similar) emotions as you are going through right now. It won't take away the fear you might be feeling, but it certainly helps to know you're not alone.

Lisa Rettke said...

I am scared and excited for you. I will begin my crazy daily prayer for you again. I promise we will be there for you no matter the outcome. Big hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! Lurker blog reader here. I agree that it is time for you and some serious good fortune. P.S. your blog is really hard for me to read, it comes out as a black background and purple font. It hurts my eyes to read it:) Will keep on reading and best wishes from here in Canada!