Sometimes you just need it

and this was one of these sorts of days....
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Due to unforseen

economic downturn we will not be recognising your outstanding performance in the past year. We will however rate you at the same standard as the workmates in your team who have been underperforming for months. You are a valued member of staff, but while we take home our bonuses, you will recieve nothing in return for your efforts.

Dont take it personally.

... yeah right.....

I like being comfortable

and I'm excellent at sticking with the familiar. So when this potential job opportunity arrived looking rather inconspicuous in my email, I got excited for about 3 seconds, and then immediately jumped into the doubts. The what ifs, the who knows, the can I's..

In truth, as yet, I don't even know if i am qualified for the position. Its my dream position - the dream position that 2 years ago, I thought that my current job might be able to set me up for, and move me into. Except that our management structures changed - twice. And my stepping stones sank quite dramatically to the bottom of the career ladder.

I'm no further advanced than I was 2 long years ago. Except that now we live in a better home, in a better neighbourhood. We have a beautiful toddler, Matt has a job he enjoys. And financially, really, we're quite well off. So really, to say I, or we rather, haven't advanced, is a lie. Career wise, I'm stuck where I started. But Life wise, we've moved a long way forward.

So despite knowing that I like familiar, and that Change is and can be a great, empowering thing, I think I'll stick to what i know. After all, its just a job. My family, that is my life. And at the moment, we're doing just fine. And this guy - he doesn't know what hes talking about.

It feels a lot like rejection

even though its not even personal. And that's the thing that annoys me the most about it all. ITS NOT PERSONAL. But to me, it is.

I worked so hard last year. I really did. I made sure I was always on top of everything, had every thing covered, all the "what ifs" covered. I had documentation. I had my team leaders support after a very rocky transition. I had EVERYTHING COVERED.

And I still got a 3.

I rated myself at a 4.
My Team Leader - before even reading my part of the review - rated me at a 4
Some random stranger out there, who has never met me - decided that I was only worth a 3.

It hurts. It really really hurts. And I'm so angry about it. I worked so hard for that 4. The difference between those two numbers

a 3 - 4%. a 4 - 5.5%

I deserve that 5.5%. And I'm going to fight for it because I EARNED it.

I spent an entire week

flat on my back in agony. The day my back pain finally let up - I came down with Tonsillitis which I'm now fighting off.

Its been a super long week of boredom and pain for me. The good news is, I should be clear to go back to work on Monday. The bad news, I should be clear to go back to work on Monday KNOWING Bianca wont be there to make me smile, and to make things more bearable...

The company has undergone some massive changes over the past few months. Just another one to deal with now. I have stability in knowing my job wont be going anywhere, but seriously? Its stressful going to work each day not knowing whats going to happen, who is going to lose their jobs, or what changes are going to come into effect.

I like to know whats coming, and i HATE surprises.

I dont cope all that well

with pain. Of any type. So last night, when i had a shower and my previously bearable yet painful back pain kicked it up a notch and I couldn't breathe anymore, i might have panicked.

I have never felt pain like i did in my back last night. It was spasming across my back, cutting into my lungs so i couldn't breathe. The most terrifying thing is gasping for air and getting nowhere. By the time the ambulance arrived I swear to God i was already half unconscious from pain and lack of oxygen, and then they wanted me to get up, and WALK to the bed. Thank GOD for the little green tube. I did the dash with that thing i tell you. They refilled it half way to the hospital because it wasn't working anymore and i started screaming.

I have a week off work. And the most incredible pain in my back still. But the spasm has stopped. And i can breathe.

But I do like my super strong pain killers.