Due to unforseen chaos and laziness

I think my house imploded. It might have happened around the time I went for a nap with Lucy this afternoon, or the aforementioned disaster might have already been there and I (the responsible adult) had my "blinkers" on.

I gotta tell you, this doesn't happen often. Thursday is my cleaning day. And I'm usually religious about it, I scrub EVERYTHING on a Thursday. All the beds get turned down, sheets get changed, floors get scrubbed and vacuumed. I even sterilise the sponges on a Thursday. RELIGIOUS i tell you.

So how yesterday managed to skip by on the radar I'm just not quite sure.

Today was a complete write off due to extreme and utter laziness.

I did start the cleaning thing yesterday. I really did. But i noticed that as soon as I put something away, Lucy pulled something out in the same spot, 10 fold. I put away one puzzle piece, she dumps every puzzle she owns on that exact spot. I put away a couple of her books left in the lounge from bed time the night before, she pulled EVERY BOOK SHE OWNED out of her room, and, you guessed it, dumped them in the lounge room (just a little to the left of "puzzle mountain"). We had a family thing to go to last night so when it hit about 2.30 and I was still being chased around the house by Lucy trashing areas i had just cleaned, I gave up.

I'm not sure as a mummy I am allowed to give up. But I did. Not my proudest moment, but at least by the time we got home last night, the lounge and the kitchen were clean. The rest of the house? Don't even ask.

On to today. After yesterday's "stresses", I decided to spend the whole day hanging out with my daughter. So that's what I've done all day.

So not only have i not cleaned up the messes from yesterday, but I've now contributed to them, AND, made not attempt to make them smaller.

Details Details.

Now I just gotta figure out what to say when my husband comes home from work and sees the fruits of my labour.

Maybe he'll assume I'm sick and buy me flowers.

Or he might just kill me himself. Time will tell!




Lucy's Playroom, (Imploded I say!)

This Is Not One Of Those Charming Moments

Lucy "Stinky Mummy"
Me " Whats stinky darling"
Lucy "Finger"
Me "Why is your finger stinky?"
Lucu *lifts dress, bends over and points to bum* "in Der"

OH. MI. GOD.

The child is not wearing a nappy, said child is wearing pull-ups in an ever exhausting attempt at toilet training. One bath and half a litre of antiseptic/antibaterial handwash later, and mummy is still dying on the inside.

Child? Back to leggo and dolls.

*Considering a therapy fund, not for child, for mummy.*

Our Family Gatherings

are a little weird. The reason for this, is my grandparents were missionaries. They spent over half of their lives in Papua New guinea, which is not what makes our family weird. But you know, along the way they met A LOT of people. And all these people have consequently become "family", to them, at least.

I don't know if its wrong, but i really dislike the family gatherings with the ring ins. Christmas day, we arrived at my grandparents house for Christmas lunch, to find 2 random friends of my nan and pop DEMANDING (no they did NOT ask) that my dad drive them to the airport. So consequently the entire lunch went cold, and we were rather upset at the intrusion on what, is intrinsically, a family event.

When my mum questioned my nan as to why they expected my dad would drive them, she was told "they're family".

Well I'm sorry. But these people are not family. My entire life I've had to sit back with my mouth shut while people treat other people who have No relation whatsoever to my family BETTER than they treat my family. The number of times, I've heard people introduced as Roy and Dawn's grandchildren, who ARE NOT, is immeasurable.

Its not so much that i care for myself, but i know what that was like growing up. And I don't want it to happen to Lucy. Because it made me feel like I was never good enough, because i was JUST a blood relative. I hadn't earned my place in the family line. Unlike these others, who had been through various different things with my grandparents. They were introduced as family, we were not mentioned. Over and Over its happened. And I worry for Lucy. I don't ever want her to think that she is not as important, if not more important, because she didn't "earn" her place.

But with every family event being run over by uninvited guests, its already happening.

The Survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

I stopped all contact with someone who used to be incredibly important to me.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?

I spent a lot of time in the imaginary world of dora the explorer with my daughter

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Another child

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 11 - Lucy's first Birthday

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My daughter

9. What was your biggest failure?
Possibly the many mistakes i've already made in regard to Lucy. But i'm a parent and i'm trying so its ok.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kind of, if you count a miscarriage. Oh and a liver that didn't want to function for a couple of months.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The laptop

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband, supportive and amazing

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
My ex best friends

14. Where did most of your money go?
Petrol, Food, Rent... that pretty much covers it!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Lucy turning one, and Christmas, and being pregnant.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I have no idea

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? A little bit sadder
b) thinner or fatter? fatter, much fatter :(
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Excercise

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Hospital time

20. How Did you Spend New Years Eve?
At home with my daughter and hubbby, playing games and watching movies.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
All over again with my hubby

22. How many one-night stands?
None!

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I loved Good News Week

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I dont hate them, but i certainly dont like them, or tolerate them, even a little bit

25. What was the best book you read?
19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lily Allen

27. What did you want and get?
A laptop

28. What did you want and not get?
Our baby

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn't really see many, so i reserve my vote

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 23 and we went out for dinner and kept it quiet

31.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Still being pregnant with our lil girl

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Whatever fits and doesn't need to be ironed

33. What kept you sane?
my daughter, my husband and my family

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
none really

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
This freaking war on Iraq.. move out people

36. Who did you miss?
Lots of people

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I can't pick!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Never say “Well this year HAS to be better” out loud. EVER.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Life, oh life, oh life...

Since I'm already a bad mother

I fed darling daughter a timtam. Actually, we gave her 2.

The end result. One very happy. chocolaty toddler.





And another dose of motherly guilt.

I'm sure I would have been a smash hit

but I'll never know, varying degrees of illness and terrible weather kept the teeny tiny Willow from gracing our presence on Friday night. Which is understandable, It's been feeling like typhoon season this weekend. I'm sure some are thrilled. Me..not so much.

And honestly if i have to hear "but we need the rain" again I might just start raining out a little bit of my own frustrations. After all, I dont have a dam in MY backyard, or anywhere near my house in fact. And I sure as eggs dont need the humidity that has been plauging us for the past 3 days. We are lucky, in that we have aircon, We are not so lucky in that we have just recieved a rather exhorbitant electricity bill due to said airconditioning. And thats for 2 months. I'm sweating at the thought of the next one when, as my ever loving father informed me "we hit the HOT months of the year.." say WHAT?!

I'm a big sook, I know. I really hate the heat. And I feel guilty, hanging out in the Aircon at work while Lucy swelters at kindy each day. She's not a big fan of the heat herself, and although the rooms are airconditioned she still spends a good part of the day outside. (I'm a bad mummmy, when its THIS hot we stick to the aircon, lots of drawing and painting to be done in my house at the moment.)

We went to a baptism last night, which apart from visits to other airconditioned establishments, is the only time we've left the safety of our temerature controlled home. And boy did we swelter. It was such a beautiful service, but HOT. No fans and No Airconditioning and No Breeze. I'm pretty sure it was raining on me.


I think the point i'm trying to make as I ramble on aimlessly is ITS. TOO. HOT. FOR. ME. TO. FUNCTION. And since the rain is co-contributing to my intolerance of the heat, I'm sorry to all but. NO. WE. DONT. NEED. THE. RAIN.

I'm not bitter. Just sweaty.

Tomorrow we will see

if I really can juggle a toddler and a little baby.

I'm babysitting for the ever so tiny and ever so cute Willow Rachel Dunlop and I have to say I'm so excited.

But I'm a little bit nervous too. Its going to be the first time that i've flown solo with a very independent and interested toddler AND a baby.

So bring on the learning curve. If worst comes to worse, i'll stick them in the car and drive around for 10 hours.

Or maybe not, but still, its a backup plan!

This sweet child of mine

is asserting her independence. In a big way. Its 11.30am and my little ray of sunshine woke up at 5am. But being Lucy and being the ripe ol age of 21 months, she's decided that being incredibly tired, and cranky is something she can simply "play through". I put her to bed 20 minutes ago, and she has since been appearing the in hallway, pillow, blankie and puppy in hand looking very sleepy. But will she stay in bed??? Not a chance. I just checked on her and found this...






I think i'll leave her there and move her after she's asleep.

How can she drive me so crazy, but be so sweet as well!


11.45 update,

The little miss "I'm not tired" conked out pretty quick.



I do love her. xoxox

They may just look like shoes

but not to me...

Point 1, I am notorious for hating shoe shopping. I loathe it. I LOVE to shop, but i really can't stand shoes.

Point 2, I am terrible at fitting shoes. I can't fit shoes for Lucy to save myself. I can never get it right, and now as habit always take my mum with me to help.

So bearing this in mind, I found myself at Strathpine shopping centre last night with a somewhat grizzly toddler and my mum, hunting through the shops for a pair of sandles. Just sandles mind you, for kindy, not patent leather, not white shiny shoes with butterflys and flowers embossed on them. Just some cheap, comfy, easy to move in sandles for Lucy to wear to kindy. Not so hard right? WRONG... oh so very very wrong!!

7 Shoe stores and 2 hours later, we found them.

They will probably only fit her for about a month, they aren't the most attractive shoes but by the time we came across them i was ready to wrap her feet in towels and send her to kindy like that.

So they just look like shoes.

But to me... They are GOLD, and i dread the next trip in a month or so when her little feeties have outgrown these ones. OH, and if she loses these shoes, I'm going back to the towel option.

Today we did it

and finally bought a computer. Well a laptop to be precise. We have been talking about it and thinking about it and procrastinating (well i have been) about it for months, years even. Well we've finally had enough of having no internet access at home, and its hard when you want to do reports or work stuff at home when you dont have a computer.

So we fixed it.

And this is my first post from our new toy.

Its not the most expensive, or the fanciest, but its ours, and i love it.

This last few weeks we've been making it our mission to fix the economy. Between the laptop, all the stuff for Lucy's room and the new TV we bought a couple of weeks ago... surely the country should be fine by now!

If everything is perfect

why do i keep losing my babies? I really hoped that I would get some answers yesterday. But every single test they ran was perfect, not a single thing wrong with me, Matt or with the baby. So why does this keep happening. I know that each curette you have increases your chances of miscarriage. But why does this keep happening if there is nothing wrong with any of us?

I really wanted to be reassured, to hear that they isolated the issue and can fix it, bed rest, take hormones, do this, eat that. ANYTHING. Instead... perfect....we don't know.... might never happen again....might happen another 10 times. Sorry about your loss, better luck next time.

I hate the uncertainty. And i really worry about trying again. I'm so desperate for another baby now, I really really really want to have another baby. But I really really really wanted the last baby too. Our little girl. I wanted her. I loved her.

But that's not enough.

I feel like its been forever

but its only been 5 years. I can't believe its only been 5 years. When i met Matt I had sworn off guys 6 months earlier. I was tired of always being the one invested in the relationship, of having my heart broken, of guys wanting one thing but saying another. In short, I was hurt and rejected and in pieces. So I decided that IF God had a man out there for me, he would find me. I made a commitment to myself that I would stop looking for a relationship, and that even if the opportunity presented its-self to me, that I would guard my heart and make sure that it was something I wanted to pursue.

I should add here that I had never ever ever chased a guy before, not actively, and I had never disregarded any one's feelings while chasing a relationship.

And then my best friend at the time, introduced me to this amazing, charming, sweet man. And i instantly knew that If i wanted to try and get to know this man better, I would have to chase him. And i would have to be selfish. Because my best friend was interested in him too.

And a week later, we started dating. But we met, for the very first time, on the 11th January 2004. And even then, I started to love him.

Matt you are the most incredible man I have ever met.We've been through so much together, and despite all the ways I have tried to sabotage our relationship, our friendship and our marriage over the years, you have never once stopped telling me its OK, and that we could do it. You never once stopped loving me, doubted me or gave up on me. You are my miracle. And I couldn't have survived these past few years without you. I love you with all of my heart, and all of my soul. You are one of a kind.You make every day a new day and you make me laugh, you are amazing.

The meaning of Trust

"Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing"

I trust everyone until I have a reason not to. And if you lose my trust you never just get it back again. Trust is earned, through actions, not words. Its something that you have to work towards, something that takes time, and effort. Its not a right. And its not something I can choose. I can't choose to trust you once you betray me. I can choose to forgive you, and I can choose to tread more carefully. Only fools forgive and forget. A wise person forgives and is more careful and cautious next time around. Once bitten and twice shy.

So never expect me to choose to trust you. I might choose to forgive you, but i will never choose to trust you. That is something that will happen If you prove yourself again.

"It is your choice to trust me again, trust is always a choice"

No, it is not a choice. Not for me.

She shared

her cold with me, so generous my girl. So now I'm sick too. I dont feel quite as sorry for myself as i do for Lucy but you know, im still feeling pretty sorry. :)

I dont cope with being sick all that well. Probably becuase every single time i get sick i get migranes to accompany which is really, well, delightful. I love feeling like my ears are going to bleed and my head might fall off at any given second. I love this feeling even more when i happen to be charging around after a toddler or staring at a computer screen all day trying to keep it together.

Sometimes i just wish my mind and my body would co-operate.

I DONT WANT TO BE SICK.....
I DONT WANT TO BE SICK.....
I DONT WANT TO BE SICK.....

I can barely stand it

when Lucy gets sick. My poor princess has caught something, a little cold or something equally lovely. But i just feel so sorry for her. There really is nothing that can be done other than the standard fluids, panadol and rest, but as a mother that makes me feel painfully inadequate!

So instead I get on here and vent it out to make myself less stressed so that in 5 minutes when the next inevitable crying eruption happens i can at least reassure myself that "this will pass".

Sad hey.

And on that Sad note i realised today that i didn't take a SINGLE PHOTO of Christmas.

WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I! =s